the petals of a wild rose
by kristy87
Summary: GSR How did it all start and how did it develop? A GSR timeline through the first 6 seasons. FINISHED
1. preVegas

**-the petals of a wild rose-**

**-She thought it wouldn't happen but it did. She thought she could handle it but she couldn't. She thought he would forget her but he didn't. She told herself that she wouldn't follow him but one day she will.-

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DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI : (

AN: This is a new WIP and it has nothing to do with any of my other stories...

Thanks to **Myra** for beta reading, you rock!

SUMMARY: _She could ask the petals of a wild rose, could ask it whether he loved her or not or she could just wait for the day to come when he would realize that every rose has its thorn.

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-chapter 1-

She was late. She hated to be late. The good thing of those lectures was that all the students avoided sitting in the first row as a matter of principle and that she preferred sitting exactly there.

She sat down on one of the seats and placed her notepad on the table in front of her. She brushed a curled strand of hair out of her face and crossed her legs, leaning back and trying to ignore the sounds of the students.

Then she saw him walking down the stairs over to the lectern.

Dr. Gil Grissom, _theme of today's lecture: entomology and it's usefulness for criminologists._

He looked so different from how she had imagined him. He was still pretty young, a boyish grin on his lips, a couple of files in his one hand, a preserving glass in the other. His hair was dark gray, she couldn't really identify the color of his eyes but she figured that they were blue.

-

The lecture began and the first students began to doze. Sara couldn't understand them, this theme was pretty interesting otherwise she wouldn't have taken the day off from work to be able to attend his lecture.

Though it was not easy to follow the themes at some points, she was really fascinated by them and not only by them, also by the lecturer.

She usually did not feel attracted to men that were much older than she was, but she definitely had a thing for intelligent men. And in addition to his intelligence he was extremely good looking.

-

After he had shown the last slides he ended the lecture, the moment Sara had waited for the last twenty minutes. That had been when she had decided to go over to him after the lecture to ask him if he could explain one of the themes that he had only shortly mentioned and not further explained.

When he began to gather his files and sheets she took a deep breath and walked over to him.

"Hi." She said softly, feeling somehow nervous, not really knowing why.

"Hi." He smiled friendly.

"I...have a question." _Damn, stop being nervous!_

"Please don't ask why the lecture was that boring." He said slightly desperate.

She couldn't help but grin. "It was actually pretty interesting." Butterflies, she felt them in her whole body. The way he looked at her; the way he had smiled at her.

"Phew. I noticed you were the only one who actually paid attention to what I said and now I got really worried that even you thought that it was boring."

"Those students will only realize what they could have learned when they need it at work." She said and smiled softly. She wondered how long it was ago that a man had made her feel butterflies in her stomach only by looking at her. Never before.

"You're not a student anymore?"

She shook her head. "Nope. I'm working for the SFPD, CSI."

A bright smile flashed over his lips. "You're not looking that old to me."

"I'm old enough." She said and winked at him. "My name is Sara Sidle by the way." She blushed when she realized that she had been flirting with him. This was not her, she usually did not do this, not like this, not with older men, not with men like him...

"Nice to meet you Sara Sidle." They remained in silence for a while.

Sara felt tension building up between them. Her eyes wandered over his body. He had strong arms, strong shoulders, arms that she wanted to be held in, shoulders that she wanted to touch... she bit down on her bottom lip reminding herself that he was somehow her teacher and that she shouldn't have those thoughts about him.

He broke the silence when he cleared his throat and began to come back to the actual theme. "You had a question."

"Oh yeah. Right." She nodded softly. Had he caught her staring at him? The best thing would be to pretend that it hadn't happened at all... "About the maturation intervals of different insects."

"My favorite theme. Maybe we should talk about it somewhere else. Do you know a nice café near the campus?"

Her heart was literally jumping. _Somewhere else_. Not here. Somewhere else, he wanted to talk with her somewhere else...in a café. He wanted to drink a coffee with her, was this the actual subtext of his words? Or was she just misinterpreting it? "I know one. It's about five minutes away from here afoot, through the park."

"That sounds good. Then let's go there." He signalized her that he would follow her.

-

They had ordered coffee and pie. While they waited for it to be served he began to answer her question. After a while Sara caught herself drifting off into daydreams, her eyes always focused on him, she had begun to think about how it would be to be held by his strong arms. And his eyes were really blue. Blue eyes that she could loose herself in so easily, much too easily.

"So that's actually it. It's an easy theme but pretty interesting."

She nodded softly biting down on her bottom lip. She hadn't even listened to half of his words. The shape of his lips had been much more fascinating than some insects.

"How old are you?"

Now he finally ripped her completely out of her thoughts. "Twenty-three." Why did he ask? Was he interested in her? She could feel her heart beating faster and harder in her chest.

"And you already work as a CSI?"

She smiled softly. "I have been a science nerd for all my life."

He grinned. "Those are the best CSIs...well I have to say that, I'm one myself."

Sara smirked. "I read about your work. To be honest I expected you to be older."

He cleared his throat. "May I see this as a compliment or is it criticism?"

"You may choose." _Compliment Compliment Compliment Compliment!_

He chuckled softly. "Well, I guess I already answered your question but I hope you'll stay here and drink a coffee with me anyways."

She had not been misinterpreting anything. A happy feeling ran through her whole body.

At the same time the waitress served the coffee and the raspberry pie. The woman raised an eyebrow, she knew Sara and probably wondered who Dr. Grissom was. Next time Sara would not be able to drink her coffee in the privacy that she preferred but would have to answer all the woman's snoopy questions.

"It's an honor to me." Sara said with a sweet smile on her lips then she took a sip of her coffee, feeling his eyes on her. It sent showers of sensations down her spine. He was looking at her...

"Have you lived here all your life?"

"Nope. I was born and raised in Tomales Bay, my parents owned a Bed and Breakfast there. Then I spent a couple of years in Boston..."

"Harvard?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Then I moved to San Francisco. While I was in graduate school I began to work for the SF coroners office, that was the hour of birth for my interest in forensics."

"For the benefit of the crime labs of the country." He said and smiled softly at her. "You're an intelligent woman."

She felt the blood rushing into her cheeks. She would be as red as a tomato soon, she hated that she tended to blush so easily. Changing the theme was the only thing she could do. "Are you originally from Vegas?"

"I was born near Los Angeles. My mother still lives there."

"Also California. Though I can't really figure you as a classical beach boy." The picture of him with a surfboard under his arm made her laugh inwardly.

"The only thing I ever did at the beach was searching for dead animals that I could dissect... I should add that I was between six and thirteen while doing so." He said smiling softly.

Sara chuckled. "Once a geek always a geek."

It was already late afternoon when they left the café and Dr. Grissom did not seem to be bored by her company. They talked about all the world and his brother, laughing, joking, fooling around but also about serious themes and from time to time they just remained in silence for several moments.

They walked through the park and during one of the longer lulls in conversation he ripped off a wild rose from a hedge and began to rip off it's petals. Sara was lost in thoughts and only noticed it subconsciously until he cursed and shortly grimaced from pain. "Damn!"

She turned to him. "What's up?" She asked worried.

"I prickled my finger on that thorn."

"Ouch." She saw a little drop of blood on the tip of his index finger, though it really did not look serious she still felt concerned. She could tell herself that it was nothing serious that there were thousand worse things that could happen to a person...but she didn't want him to be hurt.

"Well, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger." He winked at her, then noticing her worried expression. "Hey, it's not even bleeding anymore." He smiled softly.

She felt stupid. This was embarrassing. She didn't even want to imagine what he thought of her now. She had been worried because of a little scratch, only a little scratch. She looked down to her feet not wanting him to see how embarrassed she was.

Suddenly he took her hand into his and squeezed it softly. "I really love this park, haven't been here for a long, long time."

She couldn't believe that he held her hand. She couldn't even believe the fact that he had reached out for it..."Yeah, I always love being here."

His thumb slowly rubbed over hers making her shiver softly. He slowly dragged her after him as he continued walking.

-

Hours later they reached the door of her apartment building. She stopped and rummaged her purse for her key. When she had found it she turned to him, a lovely smile on her lips.

"I really enjoyed this." He told her and smirked.

She had enjoyed this too, to be honest she hadn't spent a better day in her whole life. If something like intellectual stimulation existed then it felt exactly like the way that he made her feel. She had never believed that she could actually find someone with whom she was on the same wavelength. "It was really nice to meet you Dr. Grissom." She said softly, hesitating for a second, then turned around to open the door.

Suddenly she felt his hand on her upper arm. He dragged her close to him, his other hand reaching out for her shoulder. He stared at her for half a second and then their lips met in a passionate kiss. Sara felt overwhelmed by his sudden actions, the feeling of his lips on hers, the feeling his tongue created while it massaged hers...first it was difficult to realize that this really happened, when she found her senses back she reached up for his cheek and caressed it with her thumb while she pressed her lips closer against him, her tongue dancing around his.

After a while she slowly pulled away from him a bright smile on her lips that wouldn't fade away for a long time. "Goodnight." She whispered into his ear, her whole body shivering from the sensations that ran through it.

"Goodnight." He brushed his hand through her hair and pressed a kiss on her forehead. "I checked in into the Mandarin Oriental until Friday. Call me there."

Another kiss followed, not as passionate as the first one, but with a feeling of despair and longing that Sara had never felt before.

After they separated she slowly walked up the stairs to her apartment, her knees felt like jelly while her mind still couldn't believe that this had just happened. She damned herself for having a crush on a man that was not only fifteen years older than she was but also lived hundreds of miles away from her. Relationships had always caused her trouble, this thing between them wouldn't be any better.

-

Wednesday passed by and she hadn't found the courage to call him. She had really wanted to but she neither knew what to say on the phone nor what to do about her feelings for him. She wanted to see him again, wanted to taste his kisses again, wanted to feel his touch...but there was this little voice in her head that told her that she could not be with him, that it would not be good for her. He would leave soon, would leave her behind, he was too old, lived too far away...

On Thursday evening she sat on her sofa, a cup of hot chocolate in her hand a forensic magazine lying on the desk in-front of her.

She was ripped out of her thoughts when her phone rang.

"Sidle."

"It's Gil Grissom."

She swallowed hard. "Dr. Grissom." But she couldn't swallow the feeling of happiness that rapidly filled her whole body, thus she couldn't prevent sounding incredible enthusiastic.

"What are you doing?"

"Sitting on my sofa drinking hot chocolate and reading a forensic magazine."_ And missing you like hell! _She made a short pause. "Not very sexy." She said and smirked.

"Oh, that depends on what you wear."

She could picture the boyish grin on his lips while he spoke and it let her forget about her doubts. She needed to see him. Even if it was only for one night, she needed this, she needed him. "Why don't you come here and find out." She couldn't believe that she had really invited him over. She bit down on her bottom lip on the one hand hoping that he might say 'no' on the other hand she prayed that he would say 'yes'. She knew this wouldn't be good for her, she didn't need heartache in her already troubled life but she couldn't help it. She was drawn to this man like a moth to a flame.

"Why don't you come downstairs and open the door for me?"

Her mouth dropped open. It took her a second until she found her words back. "I'll... be right there." He was already there. She couldn't believe this, this man seemed to love surprises.

She ran into her bathroom, hastily brushing her hair and putting on some make-up and perfume. She thanked God that she had just shaved her legs this morning, then she made her way downstairs to the entrance door.

He leaned against the wall wearing jeans and a Cubs T-shirt. She couldn't help but think how incredible hot he looked. Her stomach filled with butterflies, her heart jumping...in love just like a teenager.

He didn't wait for any invitations. He entered and before she could think about it, he had already pressed his lips on hers. His hands slipped under her shirt and caressed her skin while they pressed her close against him. She moaned into his mouth, feeling him so close to her and wanting him so badly almost drove her insane.

Breathlessly she pulled away from him, a bright smile on her lips. "My apartment is upstairs."

He didn't say anything just followed her upstairs, his hands on her hips while they walked.

As soon as they had entered her apartment he began to take off her shirt. Usually this would have been much too fast for her, but with him she didn't care.

"Bedroom?" He asked a little out of breath.

"Over there." She pointed to the door on the right of the room, finding herself back on her bed only seconds later, only wearing her panties and her bra.

She lay on her back and he kneeled over her, his legs left and right from her hips, his lips never letting go off hers. His hands caressed every inch of her body until he slowly pulled away. For a while he just stared at her, his eyes running over every millimeter of her skin.

His hand rested on her stomach, his thumb circling around her belly button. "God, you are so incredibly beautiful."

She was thankful for the semi darkness of the room because otherwise he would have noticed how much she blushed. Just with his words he sent feelings through her body that she had never before experienced in such an intensity.

"Every man must love you." He whispered into her ear while his hands slipped over her hips.

She reached out for his shirt and took it off, her hands slowly running over his chest. She couldn't believe that now she was touching the strong muscles that she had adored just two days ago.

"How many did you have before me?" He asked, his lips brushing hers.

"What?"

"How many men did you have before me?"

Sara swallowed hard. She really did not want him to know but on the other hand, why not? Though she didn't know why he was interested in this. "Why do you care?"

"Just because."

"Oh that's a good reason." She chuckled softly.

"C'mon, tell me." He said, his hand resting on her cheek his thumb caressing her lips. "Show me that you trust me."

She hesitated for a second but then decided that it really didn't matter whether he knew or not. "Two."

"So I am the third one?"

"Yeah." She whispered just before their lips met again. She wondered why it was so important for him to know but soon his touches sent her into a state of mind in that she didn't care about anything else but the way that he made her feel.

-

Many kisses and touches followed until they drifted off into sleep in each others arms. Before completely falling asleep Sara took a last deep breath, inhaling the scent of him and the sweat of their lovemaking.

No one had ever made her feel like he had made her feel. She wished that this would never have to end, she did not _want_ it to end...but she knew that tomorrow he would leave her here, entering the plane to Las Vegas leaving her behind. Maybe carrying the memories of the days they had spent together with him for a while but soon she would only be a fading memory, someone he would not even recognize if they'd accidentally meet in a bar. He wouldn't be able to remember her face anymore, then he would forget her name and the feelings she had once caused in him...until she wouldn't exist for him anymore.

But she had known this before. She had made the decision to spend the night with him, now she had to deal with the consequences.

One thing that she knew was that it wouldn't be as simple as she had thought to move on after this. At the moment she actually doubted that she could ever forget him...

-

When she woke up the next morning he leaned over her his hand brushing through her hair. "Good morning." She whispered softly.

"Good morning sleeping beauty."

A smile flashed over her lips. She longed to feel his kiss again but the way he leaned over her made it impossible for her to move. The look in his eyes worried her. He looked so sad. She swallowed hard, sensing what would follow soon. And it hurt deep in her heart that only seconds later she was proven right.

"I'm sorry." He tried to justify himself. But that didn't make it any better. He offered her a friendship, telling her that he wasn't able to give her more, that he wasn't allowed to give her more. It wouldn't work between them, he wouldn't be able to live in a relationship, the age difference alone would be problem enough but in addition to this there was also the geographic distance. He could not give her what she needed, he would never be able to. His first love would be his job seamless followed by the science, she wouldn't be happy with always being nothing more than the number three in his life. She deserved to be someone else's number one, someone who didn't care about anything else. She would be too good for him because he would never be able to see her real worth, he would never be able to cherish her like the treasure she was.

He said that he should have known before, but that he had just not been able to resist her beauty. He told her that never before he had felt so much attraction towards a woman and how much it hurt him that he could never be with her.

Did he even care how much it hurt her? But she told herself that she should have known before. It was not all his fault if she would have wanted to she could have told him to stop and leave at any time.

-

And so it happened that Gil Grissom went back to Las Vegas taking her heart with him, never supposed to find out about it.

She would recall the events of these days for a long time never regretting that night of passion that she had spent with him. Only regretting that she hadn't been able to feel less for him.

She didn't know if he still remembered, if he still wanted to remember...maybe she would find out, maybe not...

She could ask the petals of a wild rose, could ask it whether he loved her or not or she could just wait for the day to come when he would realize that every rose has its thorn.

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**TBC **

**I hope you liked this... : ) Thanks for reading! Chapter 2 should be up next Friday : )**


	2. Cool Change

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI, neither do I own the characters or any of the dialogue that was used on the show.

AN: I wont bother anyone with a long summary, you'll see where this story is going by reading this chap : )

Many thanks to **Myra** for beta reading :)

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chapter 2

The sound of the ringing telephone ripped her out of her dreams. She opened her eyes just to close them again half a second later, her head hurt like hell and her eyes burned like fire. The shrill sound of the phone ran through her head, stabbing her brain like a knife over and over again.

She knew she shouldn't have accepted the last two cocktails last night.

Slowly she managed to leave her bed, her body wrapped into one of her dark red sheets. She had forgotten to turn the heater on before going to bed and now the temperature in her apartment had reduced to a temperature that lay beyond all bearable.

Without switching the lights on she made her way to the living room, of course the phone was not where it belonged and she cursed herself for being so careless. After searching it for almost a minute Sara was filled with anger and aggression. Every normal thinking human being would have given up, but this person just didn't hang up the phone. How long was that damned thing already ringing? She didn't know, but this person couldn't be 'normal thinking' anyways, because which normal person would call another person at 4 AM?

She'd tell this idiot to go to hell, would tell him to screw himself, would tell him to...

She finally found the phone, for a second she hesitated if she'd simply press the red button...but this person would call again if he didn't give up for more than two minutes he'd not give up at all. So she pressed the green one. "What?" She asked, not as angry as she wanted to sound because her voice was still dried out.

"Hey... it's Gil Grissom."

_Gil Grissom?_ Okay, who else should have called her at that time...But why was he calling her? She hadn't heard from him for half a year! Six months, two weeks, three days and 11 hours to be precisely - and _no_, she hadn't been counting. "Hey." her voice had changed into soft and sweet, the anger was gone and excitement and butterflies filled her body.

"Do I bother you?"

"No. Really. I was just standing up."

"I won't bother you for long anyways, I just had a question or better said wanted to ask you for a favor." He cleared his throat, starting again. "I wanted to offer you something."

Sara grinned to herself; it felt weird to hear his voice again. It made her nervous and she knew that he was too.

They had stayed in touch for a while after their first encounter, he had called her the day after he had arrived in Las Vegas, had called her again a week later and from then on they had at least talked to each other on the phone once a week. But as time passed by the weeks became months and soon she didn't hear from him for half a year, then again he called twice just to not call for another, in her eyes awful long, period of time.

"Offer me what?" There were a lot of things that she hoped he would offer; all of them little dirty thoughts and fantasies that she knew would never become true. He wasn't that kind of person who made the same mistake again and Sara had learned to live after the device '_fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me'._

And yes, sleeping with her under the promise of something that was more than just a sexual encounter and then telling her that it was a mistake and that they should try to built up a friendship and nothing more, was indeed fooling her. There was only one problem, her head might live after this motto but her heart didn't and it also didn't care a damn about what her head was saying.

"A trainee of my team was attacked at a crime scene, one of my best CSI's should have taken care of her but he wasn't on the scene. I need someone to investigate this case. I can't let one of my people handle it because they either had too much contact with the girl or are too close with Warrick Brown, the CSI. I want you to do it."

"Work a case for you?" Her heart was literally jumping, her head screamed that she should hang up and end this call as long as she still had the chance to do so.

"I know you can do it and you were the first person that came to my mind. I...I was just promoted and made the new supervisor of this shift and I could really need someone here whom I can trust enough to handle this case in the way that it needs to be handled."

He trusted her. That was the point where even her mind stopped screaming. This was not only a chance to be with him or close to him, near him...it was also a chance to get a better job, in the number one crime lab of the country! If he was really the new supervisor of his shift and trusted her, trusted her skills, then she could maybe manage to stay in Las Vegas for longer, to become a long time member of his team, _his_ team...

"What do you think of it?" The way he spoke made her shiver softly. She had missed him, seeing him again would feel so good...not as good as feeling him again but it was at least something.

"I will have to discuss this with my supervisor."

"Is that a 'yes'?"

She smiled softly. "If he lets me go, then yeah. I just finished my case so I think it shouldn't be a problem from that point of view. I don't know how many shifts are short staffed though if he can replace me for a while then it shouldn't be a problem." Or should she simply quit her job? But what if Gil only wanted her to stay until the case was solved and would send her away afterwards? She was a good and hard working CSI but she couldn't risk being without a job in the end. She could simply ask him if this was a longer arrangement or if he expected her to leave again...he'd been saying that he needed her to work _this_ case, he hadn't mentioned anything that could lead her to the conclusion that he wanted her to stay for longer. If it would have been someone else who'd called her she would have known that it was just for this case but with him asking her to come, reality and hopes ended up in a dangerous mixture and she knew that, for her own sake, she needed to ask him how long he expected her to stay. How long he wanted her to stay. _Wanted_... "For how long will you need me?"

In her dreams he'd answer 'forever'. He always answered 'forever', when she asked him if he'd love her, need her, want her...But this wasn't a dream and she knew it. This wasn't one of her fantasies, the man on the other side of the phone wasn't the man from her dreams, only the object, his character wasn't the same in her dreams, in reality he had hurt her, had rejected her somehow. In her dreams he would never hurt her, he was always there, always cared, always loved her...

"Let's see this as a probationary period. If you're doing your job in the quality that I expect you to do it and if you want to stay then we can talk about a permanent employment."

A bright smile flashed over her lips. "Okay." She said softly, not knowing what else to say, all her thoughts circled around another one; _I am going to see him again!_

"I will call your supervisor. I'll explain the situation to him. All you have to do is buy a ticket, pack your suitcases and enter the plane...when can you be here?"

A feeling of pure happiness filled her whole body. No matter what would happen or not happen, at the moment she didn't care, all that count was that she would see him again, hear his voice again, could talk to him again...her heart was beating fast and her body was shaking due to the excitement. "I'll be there a.s.a.p."

"That's great. I'm looking forward to see you again."

He was looking forward to see her again? Her heart almost hit the ceiling of her living room as another wave of happiness ran through her body and made it jump again. The bright smile was stapled to her lips, she was glad that he couldn't see her right now because she felt like a teenage girl who had a crush on her teacher who had just told her that he'd give her an A for the term.

"Do you want me to call you when I'm there?"

"I might be at a crime scene. We have a couple of new cases and we are short staffed because I couldn't let Warrick work tonight. The best would be to call the lab and ask where I am then come there."

"Okay." And she still smiled. It was ridiculous, she could tell herself over and over again that he had made clear back then that he wasn't able and willing to give her more than a friendship but still her heart clung on to a last blade of grass. She had been the first one he thought about when he had to find someone whom he could trust. This meant that he hadn't forgotten about her, had still been thinking of her, still knew that she was there... She had a place in his memory and maybe also in his heart, she thought smiling softly. Her heart was in seventh heaven while her head desperately tried to tell herself that this was just a pipe dream.

-

She had made a few calls, had packed her suitcases in speed of light, had asked a neighbor to take care of her apartment and her plants until she'd return to pick them up and then headed to the airport.

She had decided to wear her hair in curls like she had done five years ago. She had been thinking about what to wear for hours and later had decided that it didn't matter anyways. He knew how she looked, there was no first impression that she needed to make, he already had his impression of her.

The airport was crowded and it wasn't easy for her to make her way through the hall to the right terminal. When she had finally reached it she checked in and entered the plane, her heart racing from the anticipation. Less than five hours. In less than five hours she would be in Las Vegas, looking into the blue eyes of Gil Grissom. _Dr. Gil Grissom_. She had dreamed of these blue eyes ever since the day that she had seen them for the last time.

She loved flying, but today the fastest way to travel was not fast enough for her. After a cold coffee, a short argument with the stewardess or "flight attendant" how the woman had corrected Sara in an arrogant and slightly irritated way and a, in her eyes, dumb control tower operator who let the plane fly two huge waiting loops over the city, which could have been interesting if Sara hadn't been all stressed out and at the same time totally excited to finally be in Vegas, the tires of the plane finally hit the ground.

Renting a car and finding a motel took her half an hour, changing her clothes twenty minutes, calling the CSI lab and finding out where he was took five minutes, finding the damned crime scene two hours because there had not only been a traffic jam but she had also lost her way twice, this city was stealing her last nerves.

When she had found the parking lot she pulled in, turned off the engine of the car and took a long deep breath. Her heart was beating up to her throat, her hands were shaking like hell and even though she tried everything to calm herself down, it just didn't want to work.

She could feel him. He was maybe still three hundred feet away from her but she could feel him...

She told herself to count to ten, then she would leave the car and walk over to him, totally calm, friendly and not shy, not acting like a teenager, totally mature...she counted to ten for four times then realized that it didn't help at all and just left the car throwing the door shut. _Calm down Sidle!_

With knees that had already turned into jelly hours ago, she slowly walked over to where a crowd of people was applauding.

She made her way through the crowd...and there he was. He wore a black shirt with middle long sleeves and black trousers, he still wore his hair the same way as he had back then...Sara remembered how she had been running her hands through it while he had been making love to her, how her fingers had buried themselves into his damp curls while his lips had been tracing down her neck. Heat ran through her as she felt arousal rapidly rising up in her body, damn she still wanted him so much.

He was leaning over a dummy, photographing it, someone must have tossed them down from the roof and now he was comparing their positions to the victim's.

"Norman jumped." He said taking a picture of the third dummy.

"Wouldn't you if you were married to Mrs. Roper?" She asked with a big grin on her lips. Maybe this was stupid, but trying to be funny and making a fool of herself was better than making a fool of herself without trying to be funny.

He said that he wouldn't even have to turn around to know who she was; it sent another wave of heat through her body. Did he remember her voice so well? Her sense of humor? Their conversations? Did he recall them more often than she thought he did? And oh, his voice sounded so much better than through a telephone!

As he spoke out her name she shivered softly for a moment. _Sara Sidle._ She wanted to hear him speak out her name forever, wanted to hear it again and again and again.

She let her bag drop down to the ground as he turned around, her hands not able to hold it any longer. These blue eyes. She wanted to look into these blue eyes until the end of time, eternity wasn't long enough.

_That's me_. She could have found a better answer but everything in her was just focused on him. His strong upper arms...she remembered how they'd been holding her when they had said goodbye to each other. Remembered how they had slipped around her waist, how his hands had been running over her back, pressing her against his chest. The shirt he wore didn't reveal much of his strength but only the fact that she knew that it was there was enough to make it harder and harder for her to breath.

The worst thing was that he wasn't allowed to know what she felt, still felt for him, that she still wanted to be with him, wanted to feel him. It was probably one of the most difficult things she ever had to do, pretending to not feel anything.

She changed the theme; she couldn't stand talking about his way to solve crimes, his preferences when it came to science, experiments or simply computer simulations. She asked him how the girl was doing, she did care, but not as much as she pretended to care...she kind of despised herself for it. But no matter what, she couldn't change it. This man had a strange power over her and although she knew that she needed to escape from this 'power' one day but at the moment she didn't care at all.

He told her that she was still in surgery, that she wasn't doing very well, she wouldn't make it, Sara knew it and Gil knew it too, she could see it in his eyes... Sara felt sorry for her, it wasn't right to take a life and she wanted to find the guy who was responsible for her death, wanted him to pay for it.

"God, Sara, I have so many unanswered 'why's." He said thoughtfully.

She had thousands of 'unanswered why's'. Why did he think that he couldn't give her what she needed, why didn't he just press her against his chest again, slip his arms around her waist and press her so close against him that neither of them couldn't breath anymore? Why did he think that a friendship could be the only thing that could exist between them? Why did he call her, remember her, wanted her here if he didn't care for her in another way, in a way that was deeper than friendship, more passionate than a friendship? Why couldn't he make her feel the way again that he had made her feel when he had been telling her that he wanted her, that he wanted to make love to her, that he wanted to feel her, wanted to know her, wanted her to trust him?

She could never ask him one of _those_ questions, could never find an answer to her unanswered whys. Somehow that hurt, it made her bitter in a strange way, made her grim, made her want to scream out loud or punch something... she knew that her pillow would have to serve as her punching bag when she would return to her motel room tonight...

She said that for now there was only one 'why' that counted, one thing that was important. Why was the girl left alone by the older, more experienced CSI? Why did he leave her alone at an insecure crime scene?

That was the 'why' that haunted the girl's family, maybe not as much as the general 'why' in the question of why their daughter was facing death, fighting against it but loosing her fight none the less. That was why Sara became a CSI. She wanted to give the bereaved the answers that they needed, wanted to be the victim's last voice.

She knew that her 'why's would never be answered, she could hold on to her questions and break down while trying to find a single answer that would be proven wrong in the end anyways because no-one would ever know Gil Grissom or his reasons, probably not even he himself or she could live her life, be here and make a good job, work hard and earn trust and respect for what she did, could pretend that this was her life and how she wanted to live and could search for validation where she could gain it...it wouldn't break her the way that her other options would. She would choose that route, still with the knowledge that she couldn't go on like this forever but it was better than nothing and giving up without trying it at all.

Not the ones who fight and loose are the losers, she told herself, the ones who never start fighting already lost before everything began. She would fight, she didn't know for what or if she could win but in the end it wouldn't matter because she knew that she'd find her way.

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TBC

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed : )


	3. Sex, Lies And Larvae

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI : ( I'm using the characters for fun, I do not make any money with using them or themes of the show.

AN: Sorry for this being so late! Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to write! Especially Teryl, Vilja, GreenCat, Angelbaby, SaraSidleGrissom and Inlya!

Many thanks to **Myra** for beta reading :)

Summary: She crossed the line with the suspect, she asked him to sleep with her... and now they watch how a dead pig decomposes. you get the idea, this is about SLL : )

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chapter 3

Sara walked over to the reception desk, leaning against it as she smiled at the young blonde in front of her. "Hi..." She spoke softly, somehow feeling insecure, still not used to all the new people around her.

Ten weeks had passed by since she'd arrived in Las Vegas, ten weeks that had been really confusing, stressing and full of work. And unfortunately tonight wasn't an exception.

The last days had been the worst in her whole time here, maybe in the whole time that she'd been working as a CSI.

She knew that this guy had killed his wife, she felt it, saw it in the way he behaved... and it drove her insane that they couldn't prove it. And it drove her even more insane that for Gil the case seemed to be closed or at least that, for him, their main suspect was not suspected anymore.

Judy looked up and smiled back at her. "Can I help you?" she asked friendly.

Sara nodded. "I'm searching for Grissom, you don't know where he is, do you?"

_Grissom._ It felt weird to call him by his last name... she had soon discovered that everyone here at the lab called him 'Grissom' not Gil, except for Catherine and Captain Brass, and not Dr. Grissom either, except for Judy, but she only did that when she was speaking with him. Sara didn't know if she should call him Gil. She was in no other position than her co-workers, only exception was Catherine, but she was the senior CSI after Grissom and a close friend of him, closer than Sara felt _she_ could be. In addition to this he had given her the feeling that he did not want anyone to know about their 'history', maybe they'd suspect something if she'd call him Gil...on the one hand she knew that this was ridiculous, on the other hand she was not so sure...

She hadn't talked to him since their conversation this night,... maybe discussion was the better word... When the words had left her lips she hadn't been able to believe what she had just said. _'You want to sleep with me?'_ The way he had looked up to her... the way he had taken off his glasses, the way his mouth had dropped open... It all had mirrored the one question that had been in his mind, the one question she knew he had wanted to ask but hadn't because he hadn't dared to ask._ 'Are you insane?' _She had been able to see it in his eyes, he'd been shocked, shocked that she asked him to do something that, as he had made clear to her, would never happen again, not under any circumstances.

Inwardly she'd been smiling though, shocking him... that had been what she wanted, although she had been somehow disappointed about _how_ shocked he had been. She didn't even want to think about what would have happened if he'd said _'yes'_. Oh... that would be a secret fantasy of her from now on, him saying yes... asking her to come in and asking her to lock the door...

But in fact, she hadn't meant sleeping in a sexual way, even though she knew that he'd been thinking that. And clearing that up seconds later after letting him hanging in the air for a short moment had filled her with soft delight.

"I'm sorry I don't know where he is." Judy said and ripped Sara out of her thoughts.

"Oh..." Sara, back in reality, smiled insecure. "Okay, thanks anyways." She turned around to leave as she heard captain Brass's voice.

"He's outside in the yard, together with his girlfriend."

Sara felt her heart aching, _'girlfriend'_? He had a girlfriend? She swallowed hard. "Uhm...okay, I guess I'll wait for him to come back in then." She said softly hoping that she could hide the awkward mixture of feelings that rose up in her.

"Oh I think that will take a little longer, Miss Piggy will need a while to decompose." He said with an expression on his face that showed his slight disgust by the simple thought of it.

Sara was confused. First girlfriend, now Miss Piggy... what the hell was he talking about? She threw an asking look at him, hoping he'd understand, hoping that she wouldn't have to ask him any further questions... she knew that her voice would be shaking from the first shock of Brass referring to Grissom's _'girlfriend'_.

"He's trying to prove that Kaye Shelton has been dead for five days..."

Her heart was jumping and bright smile flashed over her lips. "How?"

"Dead pig, wrapped in blanket... video camera... timeline, something like that, you two are the scientists, I am the cop. We shouldn't try to change this, should we?"

Sara chuckled softly. "I think I'll better go and see if I can help him somehow."

Captain Brass smiled softly and nodded. "Good luck." He said and left.

Sara made her way through the hallway as she passed by the break room, thinking about taking a coffee outside with her, maybe Grissom would want some too. She entered and soon a thermos can caught her attention, with a soft smile on her lips she took it and poured fresh coffee into it.

After getting her jacket, bag and kit from the lockers room she found a blanket and decided to take it with her, it had been cold outside when she'd entered the building after she'd returned from the department and she figured that now it would be even colder. She didn't want him to freeze.

She felt sorry for what she'd said, better said for how she had ended their discussion. It was the way he was, he was not good with people, he was not able to show emotions... she'd have to learn to live with that. He hadn't meant it the way he had said it, he had been trying to calm her down and she'd made it worse. She wished she'd never started discussing this with him... but on the other hand, now he was outside, trying to prove that Kaye Shelton had been killed by her abusive husband. Officially he was doing it for the victim, but Sara couldn't help but feel that he was actually doing it for her. And that made her smile.

While leaving the building through the back entrance she felt like a teenager, feeling butterflies in her stomach and at the same time the fear that he would send her away, that he would find it somehow ridiculous that she was bringing him a blanket and coffee. She knew that he would indeed not think this, he respected her, he trusted her, respected her skills and also trusted in those. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked her to investigate where Warrick had really been when he had actually been supposed to be at court.

She slowly walked over to him, a wave of heat running through her as she felt his eyes on her. He took off his glasses and smiled softly. Silence, they didn't speak a word.

Breathing heavily she sat down next to him, handing him the thermos can. He smiled and she couldn't help but love that smile... the number of butterflies in her stomach had been doubled and her heart was racing. She honestly wondered how she should ever be able to be near him without wanting to be closer to him, closer than she ever could... as close to him as she had been back in San Francisco.

She unfolded the blanket and softly placed it over his back and around his shoulders; her arms were slightly toughing him and she wanted to twine them around him so badly. She didn't know how she found the strength to resist the temptation but she finally managed to sit down again and found her words back. "Thanks." She said softly and smiled at him.

He smirked. "You're welcome." He poured some coffee into the plastic cup and looked up at her afterwards. "Thanks for the coffee and the blanket." His voice turned softer.

She looked down on his notes, not able to stand the tension that rose up between them. "So...you need help with anything?"

"At the moment the only thing I have to do is watching...documenting from time to time, but within the next forty-five minutes there is really nothing to do." He shifted his weight and turned to her. "You don't have to stay here if you don't want to..." he made a pause as she looked up to him. "...I bet you have better things to do."

She shook her head. "I'll stay. I mean, if you want me to leave then I will leave, but... I'd really like to stay. I just moved here, I don't have any friends but you. _This_ is the best I can do today." But were they really friends? Could they ever be friends?

"Did you find an apartment yet?"

She nodded "Yeah. It's a nice place, smaller than my apartment in San Francisco, but still nice. I don't need much space and to be honest I spend more time at work than at home... I don't need that much place."

He grinned softly. "I liked your apartment in San Francisco."

"I bet you did." She chuckled, feeling for the first time since she had arrived that they could just be together without any tension building up between them. Even if it wasn't visible, even if it wasn't obvious, but whenever she was with him, near him, there was this feeling rising up in her, a feeling that she couldn't really describe... it was like a mixture of slight awkwardness and on the other hand frustration and disappointment but also attraction and desire.

"Sara about what..." He started.

"...I'm sorry for what I said in your office." She interrupted him. "I... I don't know why I said it. I shouldn't have said it... I... I know that especially with our 'history', if you want to call it like that, this really seemed... I don't know... tasteless maybe. That's not the right word to describe it... but you wanted us to be only friends and with my first comment I probably gave you the feeling... I maybe seemed as if I wanted to..."

Grissom stared at her. She noticed it and that made her even more nervous.

"...and what I said afterwards... Grissom I really didn't want to make it sound... I didn't want it to sound as if I'd not respect the way you look at the cases, the tragedies behind the cases..."

"...Sara I..."

"...I have to accept that and... I have to accept that we are only friends and not more. It just still feels weird. I mean... we never had a relationship or something like that but... those two days that we spent together... I can't just... forget them."

"Sara I didn't mean our discussion about the case. I wanted to talk about your behavior at the suspect's apartment." He said softly, staring down on his hands.

She swallowed hard. Okay, this had been embarrassing. But at least she had said what in her eyes, had needed to be said. The only bad thing was that it had somehow been out of context, but now it was too late anyways. "About that... I... I am really sorry for that."

"We can be glad that he does not want to file a complaint against you." He said and looked at her, his eyes on her body making her shiver softly.

She nodded. "Will it have any... consequences?" She asked insecure.

"Not this time." He said softly. "But next time I will have to file a report about it Sara. I am not in this position long enough to be able to afford any incidents involving members of my team."

She took a deep breath. "I am really sorry. I lost my temper. I should have controlled myself better, I promise to get better."

He smirked and their eyes met for a second.

She felt tension rising up between them once again. This time she didn't look away, this time she knew that the only way out of this was to tell him why she hadn't been able to control herself anymore. "Men like him make me... go overboard. I... I just can't stand it when men think that there is nothing wrong with abusing their wives because for them they are only objects, property... property with which they can do what ever they want."

"I do understand your reasons Sara, that's why I won't do anything this time. But in case that it should happen again I will have to take actions against it. Even if I would not want to do it, I have no other choice."

"Even if you would _not _want it?" She felt her chest tightening.

"Please do not get me wrong." He pleaded softly. "Sara we are friends... but I can't make a difference between you and the others. I don't want to make a difference between you and the others. Privacy has nothing to do with the job."

"Do you regret asking me to come here... and offering me to stay?" She asked with shaking voice, her heart beating fast and painfully.

"You're the right one for the job. I know that you can do it. I do not regret asking you to come and neither do I regret that I offered you to stay. Sara you're one of the best CSIs I ever worked with and I hope that we will be able to work with each other for a long time."

She smiled, feeling the butterflies once again. "I'm not going to disappoint you again." She said softly.

Their eyes met once again and they remained in silence for a while, soft smiles slowly building up on their lips. After a while she broke away, not because she wasn't able to stand the tension anymore, but because she had to accept that they would be friends and nothing more. "I think the forty-five minutes are over." She said pointing at the pig.

He turned away for a second, then looked at her again. "Everything okay?"

"Yes." She faked a smile. Everything would be okay once she would stop getting her hopes up every time that he was near her, every time that he looked at her. Everything _might_ be okay one day.

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**TBC**

I know this chap was really not that good, I apologize! next chapter is going to be about Strip Strangler : )


	4. The Strip Strangler

disclaimer: I do not own CSI : (

AN: next chap : ) sorry for it being so late! but I was faster than last time :whistles: anyways, here's the next chap. I apologize for being slightly out of ideas. I hope you like the chap at least a bit : ) I started a second WIP which is called **shattered hearts and resurrected dreams,** I hope that I will be able to update both fics faster in the next months, but I am going to write 5 exams in the next 30 days so I can't promise anything. Afterwards I'll have plenty of time though!

Many thanks to **Myra** for beta reading :)

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Chapter 4:

"_Until he tortures, rapes and kills them."_

It ran through her head, it haunted her… and the feelings she had felt when she'd sat there, him standing in front of her, being obviously – at least for her – fighting to not loose complete control of himself and the situation, were rising up in her again as she stood in front of the goods shelf, feeling the eyes of that creepy guy on her body.

He asked her after a cigarette and she handed one to him, she felt her heart beating hard and cold showers ran down her spine every time that her eyes met his.

She had known before that this wouldn't be easy, she had told Grissom that she could do it, that she wanted to do it, that she was able to defend herself, that nothing would happen to her… but right then she realized that she hadn't told him all that because she wanted to calm him down, but because _she_ needed to find the strength to really do this.

The fact that he had been so worried about her had made her smile inwardly, but on the outside she couldn't do anything else but pretending not to be worried at all. If this façade would have broken down, she would have lost her strength, would have lost the power to play the decoy in the FBI's operation. And she had to do this. For the poor woman's sake that could be the Strip Stranglers next victim!

When the FBI finally entered the supermarket and he was pressed against the shelf she felt her heart beating even faster. But then she started to realize that this guy wasn't the Strip Strangler, he was just a tiny fish, a thief that had tried to steal her purse. On the one hand she felt relieved, she hadn't thought about the consequences it would have had for her psyche if this man would really have been the Strip Strangler, how would she have felt? She already felt haunted by the way _this _guy had looked at her, the way he had seemed to undress her with his eyes... How would she have felt if later on it would have been confirmed that it had been the Strip Strangler she'd been talking to? That she could have been the next victim if she hadn't been a decoy in this FBI operation? On the other hand this guy was still out there, probably taking a woman's life right now.

When agent Culpepper's cell phone rang Sara sensed that another woman was dead, the affirmation followed seconds later.

Culpepper told everyone to leave and turned around, Sara turned to Grissom and their eyes met for a moment. She was disappointed; she had hoped that they could prevent another cruel murder. He handed her the purse and told her that sometimes it would be the hardest thing to do nothing.

Sometimes she hated it that he was always right. He placed his hand on her back and guided her to the exit. The feeling of his hand on her body stunned her for a second, then she threw the purse into her basket and continued walking next to him, wondering since when he thought that body contact would not immediately reveal their 'history'. Maybe he had seen that Culpepper had placed his hand on her back several times. Maybe he had seen the looks that Culpepper had given her. Maybe Gil Grissom was slightly jealous. Maybe Culpepper's behavior was not only bugging him because he was working for the FBI and because he behaved as if the lab was his. Maybe it really bugged him that Culpepper had behaved as if _she_ was his.

Sara had already felt it when Grissom had tried to convince her to not participate in this operation. The way he had looked at her, with such intensity, so much strength. He hadn't liked it that she wanted to help the FBI. She knew that he had been feeling hurt, professionally as much as personally. With saying that she wanted to do something that _really _helped finding the Strip Strangler she had betrayed him, somehow. She had shown him that she did not believe in his skills. She usually did believe in his skills and she still did but she had felt that they needed to do something _now_ and waiting and analyzing hadn't been fast enough for her. She had promised him that she wouldn't let her emotions take control over herself, she did her best to not break this promise but it was hard, really difficult and she'd just needed to do_ something_. And personally, personally she had hurt him with agreeing with Culpepper, with telling him in front of all the FBI agents that she did not agree with him. She had known that he didn't like Culpepper and that he wished that the special agent had never shown up, she had known that he was doing his best to solve the case and she knew that her betrayal must have felt like a slap in the face for him.

They reached the parking lot and he stopped, turning to face her. "I have to drive to the new crime scene. Your apartment is on my way, you want me to drop you off at home so that you can change into your working clothes?"

She nodded softly. "Thanks."

He opened the door of the car for her and again she felt his hand on her back. She couldn't help but smile softly. Maybe he was really a little bit jealous. Never before he had been opening a door for her, not since she was in Vegas, never before he had behaved like this around her.

She took seat and watched him while he walked over to his side of the car. She prayed that he was jealous.

When he had taken seat he started the engine of the car and glanced at her, she caught him doing so and it sent little showers of sensations through her body.

They remained in silence for a while. As they reached a cross road and the traffic light switched to red he stopped the car and turned his face to her. She felt his eyes on her body but she didn't know whether or not she should turn to face him. There was this weird atmosphere that surrounded them, a mixture of her frustration and disappointment because of this case, his anger because of Culpepper, her need to say something and the need to hear something from him, the usual tension that still rose up between them whenever they were together…

"Lost in thoughts?" he asked with soft voice.

Now she turned to face him, she nodded and bit down on her bottom lip. "Somehow." She answered softly.

"What were you thinking?"

She shrugged. "Nothing very important."

"I'm sorry for my reaction earlier at the lab."

She definitely hadn't expected that. She raised an eyebrow, her eyes not leaving him. "You are?"

He smirked when he noticed that this had surprised her. "Yeah. This Culpepper just…"

"…makes you want to rip his head off."

He chuckled softly.

"He's an arrogant, bigheaded, overbearing… well you get the idea." She said almost grinning. She did not really think this but she knew that it was what Grissom thought of Culpepper and she knew that this was what Grissom needed to hear. He needed to hear that she thought the same. Maybe she thought, maybe her theory of Grissom being jealous was not true, but the tiniest chance that he could be made her do this.

"And I thought I was the only one who noticed this." He said somehow sounding relieved.

Their eyes met and silence surrounded them, until the driver behind them blew the horn of his car. His eyes broke away from hers. He started the car again and they continued driving.

She wondered what he might be thinking about the clothes she wore. He had never seen her wearing a skirt; she hadn't worn a skirt in ten years. She had caught him looking up and down her body when he had been standing in front of her in the parking lot before the decoy operation had started, and this filled her with slight confidence but at the same time with insecurity. She knew it was idiotic and naïve to think that there was a chance that he would ever again let this thing between them become more than just a friendship, but she couldn't help but feel that there was still more that he felt for her, more than he thought he should. She had seen with her own eyes that his job was almost all that he cared about, she knew her feelings for him weren't healthy for her heart, but what was she supposed to do?

She couldn't ask him straight what he thought about her clothes but she wanted, needed to know. She didn't know why, the feeling that she needed to know it was just there; maybe it was because she was a woman, maybe because she felt attracted to him, maybe just because he was Grissom. Gil Grissom, the reason why she came to Vegas.

"God I'm glad when I can get out of these clothes." She stretched out her arms a little, pretending to feel awkward in this skirt and shirt. It wasn't hard to pretend this because in fact she really did not like wearing skirts. She wasn't that kind of woman who cares a lot about how tight her clothes are; about how hot she looks in what she wears, about how her makeup looks…

"You don't like wearing that stuff, do you?" He asked slightly smirking.

"Skirts just don't suit me."

Grissom shrugged. "I don't know much about clothes..."

And that was so typically Grissom. Sara cursed herself for doing this to herself. She didn't say anything and was not really expecting him to say anything more.

"But I think you look nice." He said and glanced at her.

A smile flashed over her lips and she felt caught as she noticed him glancing at her. She turned her face away and stared outside of the car, watching the casino lights fly by as they drove. Her heart was beating fast and she felt some butterflies in her stomach, she knew she shouldn't feel all this, but what was she supposed to do?

* * *

TBC

I hope it wasn't that bad, if it was I apologize!


	5. Scuba DoobieDoo

Disclaimer: I still do not own CSI : (

AN: Ha! managed to update sooner as I thought I would: ) Sorry for this chap being so short, but I felt as if I wrote everything that I wanted to be written and so I am somehow content with it : ) enjoy!

Many thanks to **Myra** for beta reading :)

_BTW, if you like angst, read my other WIP "shattered hearts and resurrected dreams" : ) and if you've been a fan of "the favor" then you might want to read the sequel I just started called "home, sweet home" : )_

Summary: ...the chalk scene... -sigh-

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chapter 5

"You want to take a walk around the block? Get some air?" She asked her eyes never leaving him.

He sighed. "No." He answered shortly.

"Clear your head ..."

"I'm fine." He interrupted her.

"Okay." She knew why he didn't want to go for a walk, she knew why he did not want to go for a walk with her. Somehow it was frustrating that, although he obviously felt the tension that was there between them, he did not act on it, seemed to do everything he could to be able to ignore it…

But she couldn't just ignore this. She wanted him since the first day that they had met, she had still wanted him after he had left her apartment after telling her that they could never be more than friends, she just couldn't, could never stop wanting him.

And suddenly she lost the control over her actions that she so barely had been able to keep before. She slowly reached out for his cheek, her hand slowly and softly caressing it. Right then she realized what she was doing.

And she noticed that Grissom was as surprised about this as she was. Their eyes met and she quickly pulled away from him. Searching for an excuse for this. She shrugged. "Chalk ... from plaster." _Great, what an excuse. I could have made up something better. _

"Oh."

She felt a knot in her throat as Grissom almost immediately wiped over his cheek with the back of his hand. She could feel her heart beating hard and fast and she wished that she could have controlled herself better.

He stared at the back of his hand for a second or two and then his eyes found hers. She knew that he sensed that there hadn't been chalk on his cheek and the tension, that filled her body while he stared at her in that moment, drove her insane.

Silence, for a second that seemed like an eternity. She couldn't stand this anymore. Him knowing so well that she touched him because she hadn't been able to bear up against the tension and feelings that had been rising up in her, and not because there was indeed chalk on his cheek but not doing anything about it, drove her insane.

She broke the contact of their eyes and turned her face away. "Better go wash up." She told him gently. Then she left him standing there, a soft smile building up on her lips because there was one thought running through her mind over and over again_. If he wouldn't have liked it he would have showed me. _

He had neither pulled away nor told her that there hadn't been chalk on his cheek. He had jumped on the train and had pretended to believe her. This would be their little 'secret', only a little secret that followed the big secret behind them but maybe this was a start.

The whole time there had been this tension between them, since they had been in the former suspect's apartment, searching for the source of the flies in the darkness. When he'd been standing with his back slightly touching hers, her heart had been beating up to her throat. And for a second, she swore, she had been able to feel him leaning against her. It had only been one second, one tiny, tiny moment but it had sent showers of sensations through her whole body. It hadn't been easy to not gasp, to not let him know how surprised she was.

Being close to him always was like a little challenge inside of her. The rationalism in her and the feelings her heart felt for him were battling against each other every single moment.

She had hoped for a change after what had happened before, during and after the decoy operation a couple of months ago, but nothing had happened. She wondered if she'd been wrong about what she'd been so sure of. She had felt that he had been jealous of Culpepper. She had felt that he was still feeling something for her… why didn't he act on it?

And still she felt that there was more between them. There definitely was something and even though she could not put it into words, she was sure of it being deeper than friendship, much deeper.

She didn't know why he was fighting it, why he denied it… maybe he still held on to what he had told her years ago… that his priorities were his job and the science. That she did not deserve to only be the number three in a man's life.

Ever since he had told her this, she had wondered if he had said it because this was what he _really_ felt or if he had just told her this because he wanted to fob her off with a lame excuse because he thought she'd believe it, because he thought that she was naïve enough to believe him.

Tonight she had her proof that it had not been a lame excuse. She couldn't explain why, but she just felt, that if he'd not believe that she'd deserve better, he wouldn't have been able to resist the temptation.

The tension between them had been almost unbearable for a couple of seconds and especially in the moment right after she had touched his cheek. And also before the tension between them hadn't been ignorable.

But he had been able to control himself and Sara just couldn't help but feel that the only thing that gave him the strength to do so was the fact that he still strongly believed that he wouldn't be able to make her happy.

On the one hand and in a weird way this filled her heart with warmth. He did feel something for her and no one could take this away. But on the other hand he would not act on his feelings until he would realize that he could indeed make her happy. And she didn't know how to feel about this. It made her sad because she didn't know how to prove him that he could make her happy. But she knew that if he would realize it one day it would happen in the right moment and exactly when she'd need him the most. She didn't know when this would happen but one day it would and that was something she was definitely sure of.

And that was also why she was smiling in the moment that she went back into the house. One day he would know and then he would stop controlling everything he does. He would stop pretending and he would stop holding back his feelings.

She would hope every morning that this new day would be _the_ day, that he would realize it, finally. Until it would happen she would watch the sun rise and would secretly pray that he would just know it from one second to the other.

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TBC


	6. burden of proof

disclaimer: I did not get CSI for Christmas...so I still do not own it :(

AN: Sorry for not updating in a while, exams and x-mas kinda stressed me.

Many thanks to **Myra** for beta reading :)

Summary: this chap is post **burden of proof**...

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chapter 6

A plant. _From Grissom._

She leaned back and closed her eyes, the sounds of the coffee machine distracted her from thinking but she tried it anyways. Had she been overreacting? She had known that it was a really big thing to tell Grissom that she would want to leave the lab. She had expected that he would at least be slightly shocked about it, she had expected that he would not tell her that _he_ wants her to stay but would search for a synonym, she had expected that he would do something to show her that he doesn't want her to leave but she had not expected that all this would feel _so_ big.

For everyone else this was probably just a plant. It _was_ just a plant _but_ a special one. Grissom had sent it to her. And this meant a lot to her.

With a soft smile on her lips she opened her eyes again. She left her seat and walked over to the counter. Finally the coffee was ready and she filled her cup.

She hadn't heard his footsteps in the hallway, so when he entered the break room she winced. For a second she didn't know what to do and she was more than thankful that he was the one who ended the short moment of silence.

"Hey. You're on break?" Grissom asked.

Sara nodded. "Hey. Yeah." She sat down again because she didn't know what else to do.

"So…" He started but then he stopped again.

"So?" She asked after a moment.

"Did you re-think this leaving thing?" he asked with a tone of insecurity in his voice.

"Not yet." She answered shortly.

He looked at her, his sadness reflected in his eyes.

She had been staring down at the cup in her hands until then but now she felt his eyes on her and she couldn't help but look up to him. Their gazes met for a short moment but then she broke the contact with his eyes and stared down on the table.

"Do you really want to leave?" He had been holding his breath for a while, his voice was shaking when he spoke and Sara swallowed hard, his reaction still surprised her.

"Why did you buy me a plant?" She asked, not knowing how to answer his question and not ready to do it yet either.

"I asked you first." He insisted. But she didn't respond and so he nodded smirking, probably sensing that she didn't know the answer. "I figured that you might prefer a living plant. If I would have ordered flowers their roots would have been cut off and they would have died sooner or later. A plant lives as long as you treat it good, as long as it gets enough water and light and…" He cleared his throat. "I guess you get the idea."

She smiled softly and nodded. "I guess you in fact do know _some_ things about me."

"And I do respect you Sara."

"Why did you treat me as if you wouldn't then?" She knew that this was destroying the moment and she also knew that this might upset him, she knew all this and she was willing to live with the consequences. She wanted an answer and she wouldn't stop asking him until he gave her the answer that she needed.

He stared at her. For a moment he said nothing. Sara stared at him, knowing that this made it even worse for him. She saw that he was thinking, that he was trying to find the best words to get himself out of this situation. But he didn't find those words. So there was only one way. The truth, at least parts of it.

"Because sometimes I just don't realize what I am doing to some people." He sat down on one of the chairs on the opposite side of the table. He sighed and tried to meet her eyes with his. "I'm sorry. I'll try to change that."

"It's just who you are." She said softly, realizing that he did not really understand what she meant with these words but that was not her problem. Maybe she should stop caring so much for him, but on the other hand he had just shown her that he cared for her. He did not want her to leave and even though he didn't tell her, she knew it and that was what really counted.

She emptied her cup and left her seat to fill it again. She felt his eyes on her while she moved so she turned around. Feeling caught Grissom looked away, pretending to stare down on the ground. "Do you want some coffee?" She asked, trying to lighten up their mood.

"Yes please."

She smiled softly and took a new cup out of the cabinet. She filled it with coffee and handed it to him before taking seat on her chair again.

She knew that his question was still unanswered and she also knew that sooner or later he would want an answer. He would for sure not forget about this question and she knew that she had to answer it no matter what, but she felt that she needed more time before she was able to answer it. "Do you want me to stay?" she asked and held her breath, scared of the answer that might follow.

"I obviously don't want you to leave. So yes, yes I want you to stay Sara."

A bright smile flashed over her lips, she tried to hide it but she knew that he had noticed. And as if this wasn't enough she started to blush.

"And I don't understand why you want to leave. I… I might have been a little…disregardful sometimes but… is that really a reason to…"

"It was not just a little and not only sometimes." She said softly.

He swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."

She knew how much courage this cost him. She nodded and smiled softly at him. "I think I will stay."

A smile flashed over his lips. "I'm glad to hear that."

They sat there in the break room for half an hour after this conversation, talking, smiling at each other and it almost felt like it had felt back then in San Francisco. They were friends…

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TBC

thanks for all the reviews I got so far! You guys always make me smile : ) thank you very much


	7. Primum Non Nocere

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI, I neither own Grissom and/or Sara (sadly)

AN: Sorry, I know it has been a long long time! My final exams are coming closer and it's not easy to study and write a lot fan fiction at the same time... but gladly my exams will also be in English so I can count writing fan fiction as studying for the exams ; )

Many thanks to **Myra** for beta reading :)

Summary: After a long day is over Sara is at home and think about Grissom's comment. ( this chapter is post - **Primum Non Nocere**)

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chapter 7

Sara was confused… just a couple of days ago she had been so sure that she wasn't at all respected by Grissom and now? Had he been hitting on her or had he just told her this because he was scared that she could feel not respected again?

She laid down on her bed, actually wanting nothing more but to sleep but she couldn't forget his words. _Since I met you_.

Since she had met him her life had changed, drastically, forever. It had not only changed her life, it had also completely changed her. Before she had met him she had been somehow insecure. She had never felt really comfortable in her own skin, there had always been many things that she hadn't liked about her body, she had never been able to totally let herself go, to do what she wanted to do when she was with someone and he had changed it with only one sentence. _"God, you are so incredibly beautiful."_

Sara had forced herself to not think about that one night almost eight years ago anymore. But tonight she wouldn't be able to cling on to that plan.

He had been the first man who had made her _feel_ beautiful. Who had made her feel special. Who had made her feel attractive. But at the same time, now, he managed to make her feel like the grayest, smallest mouse. Until today.

What the hell had he been thinking? She had just managed to accept that they were just friends, she had started to move on, she even had dated someone. And NOW he dared to completely muck things about.

Slight anger began to rise up in her, although she knew that it was ridiculous, just like this whole situation had been. First she had been totally shocked, then she had tried to see it as a joke, she had also joked about it with him later, but now when she was alone again and was thinking about their time in San Francisco she just couldn't think straight anymore.

He had not only been the first one who made her feel beautiful, he had also been the first one who had ever told her that she was beautiful, as harsh as this seemed, it was the truth.

Other girls had been their daddy's beautiful little princesses, no matter if they looked like blonde little angels or had greasy, felted hair and mud all over them. For her father Sara had only been a tease, at least she hadn't been his little punching bag, she had always told herself.

And the guys she had been with before she had been with Grissom… well the first one had been a jerk that she had just been with because she had not wanted to be the only girl in her dorm room at college who had never been with any guy. Pretty stupid for a young woman who was studying at Harvard, she knew that now.

And the second one… she didn't even want to remember him. She had turned twenty-one, half a year before that and they had been on their way to celebrate Spring Break in Florida. For the first time in her life Sara had found friends and for the first time she had been going on a trip with friends. And she had always avoided to get in contact with alcohol before, because she had seen what it had done to her parents. But before they had been heading for the airport they had had a couple of drinks and the alcohol had immediately made her loose control. And then it had happened… during the flight she and Ken had started making out and at some point he had suggested to head for the lavatory. And she had been stupid enough to agree. After their arrival in Miami she had realized what she had done and the next day she had also realized what an idiot Ken was. She had caught him making out with some Italian girl in the whirlpool. That had felt like a slap into her face and ever since Sara had avoided any contact with men, simply because she had been afraid of getting used again.

But then she had met Grissom and she had thrown away all her intentions. And all that although she had known that she would get badly burned. She hadn't cared at all.

But getting hurt when you know that you will get hurt by doing something and do it nonetheless is completely different than getting hurt when you're doing everything you can to not get hurt.

And she had done her best to not get hurt by Grissom again. She was sure that Grissom wouldn't have told her that he was interested in beauty since he met her when he would have known that it, instead of being a compliment, felt more like a punishment to her. Especially after their conversation about why she had wanted to leave Las Vegas again.

But maybe this conversation had really been his reason for today's comment. Maybe he had just tried to show her that he respected her, in his own way, with a little lack of realizing what he was really saying and without caring what she would think of what he said.

She cursed herself for it but she just couldn't swallow the little bit of hope that rose up in her, the hope that he had really meant what he had said. Her heart beat faster when she thought of it. Maybe there was a slight chance that he did still think that she was beautiful, maybe the feelings he had felt for her back then where still there and only hidden or denied by him.

Damn it she wanted to be with him, she still had these feelings for him of which she had hoped to be able to lock them out of her system. Hadn't she done all her best to get over him? She was dating Hank, for God's sake, why didn't these feelings for Grissom disappear? This wasn't fair.

She wanted to be happy, told herself to simply accept Grissom's comment as a nice meant compliment and to be happy that the two of them were good friends. But she just couldn't do it. It didn't work.

Maybe she should see Hank more often, she thought. She should try to separate private life and work, she should try to see Grissom as a good friend and only feel for him as if he was a friend and she should try to be happy with Hank. There was only one problem; she did not want to be happy with _Hank_.

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TBC

I hope this was good, if it was or wasn't just tell me what I did good or can make better : ) next chapter will probably be about **_taie_**


	8. The Accused is Entitled

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: I know it has been a very very very long time. And I am sorry for having abandoned this fic. But I promise that the updates will come frequently from now on. I didn't want this story to be unfinished before I leave the fan fic writing business.

Many thanks to **Myra** for beta reading :)

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chapter 8

Seldom a day had been as exposing as this one. Not only had she been accused of having mishandled the evidence, she had also been accused of faking the facts in order to 'please' Grissom. And what did not lighten up her mood either was that Grissom now knew about her and Hank. She knew that at some point he had to find out, but she would have preferred it if it wouldn't have been trough Phillip Gerard.

And then he had told her that she would deserve to have a life, subtly telling her that it was okay that she was seeing Hank, that it was okay for _him_. Damn it, she didn't want it to be okay for him! She knew that he wasn't that kind of man who got jealous or showed his jealousy. She just wished that he would.

Probably she should stop hoping that he would ever care about her. He obviously didn't care at all. Although, his reaction after Gerard had spoken out the word 'relationship' had somehow revived her hopes. He had been slightly shocked and definitely surprised. She wondered why. Was it because he had thought that she wouldn't have time to go out? Did he think that she didn't like going out? Or had he been thinking that she would wait for him? Now that was wishful thinking, but she couldn't help it. His reaction had been weird.

But then her hopes had been destroyed by his little comment that she deserved to have a life. Had he simply accepted that she was dating someone else? She wished that he wouldn't have said it. She could have continued to pretend that he had feelings for her, but he obviously hadn't. Why couldn't she just get over him? She and Hank were seeing each other for half a year now and still Grissom was all she could think of.

She had really tried to get over him, she had done the best she could but it hadn't worked. There was something about Grissom - she didn't know what it was - that drew her to him. She couldn't help it. She just had to think of his eyes and she lost herself in fantasies and in the memories of their time back then in San Francisco. How could she still be clinging on to these events? This had happened years ago! And she was in Vegas for more than two years now and nothing had happened! Yes, he hadn't completely forgotten about her, he had still been thinking of her after years and had asked her to come here. But that had been it. He was her supervisor, her mentor, a friend but nothing more; he wasn't what she wanted him to be. He wasn't the man she lived with, he wasn't her boyfriend or lover or whatever. And he would probably never be.

She was sitting on her sofa, her fingers entwined around a coffee cup, her feet on the coffee table, her eyes closed and her head leaning back against the backrest. She didn't want to get depressed over this but nevertheless she felt tears rising up in her eyes. She could not deny that Grissom was the first man she had ever been in love with – he was special and he would always be special.

She was so thankful that he hadn't been in the room when the defense attorney had accused her of faking the facts just to please him. She would have died of embarrassment right there. Although, maybe it would have made him thinking about it, about her. The thought that he could have started to suspect the same after that comment thrilled her. He would have had to investigate this; he would have had to at least ask her about it. And what would she have told him then?

There was a difference between what she wanted to tell him and what she was able to tell him. When Gerard had accused her of having mishandled the evidence because she had a relationship with Hank she had told him – and _Grissom_ – that she wouldn't have a relationship with Hank and that they would just be watching movies together. She hadn't been able to stand the thought that Grissom might think that she was dating someone. And that was ridiculous, because she shouldn't care about Grissom. She just shouldn't care but she couldn't help it. She did care, she cared a lot. More than a lot and more than it was healthy for her.

In fact she and Hank had a relationship. Or at least watching movies was not all they did. It didn't feel right to sleep with him, but what was she supposed to do? It would only feel right with Grissom but Grissom was not 'available'.

She had thought that Grissom might be hurt when he'd find out about her relationship with Hank. At least she had hoped it. But then he had told her that it was okay. Damn it, she had been so angry about this. She knew that it wasn't his fault, but couldn't he at least care a little bit more about her? But maybe this was his way to care about her. Back then in San Francisco he had told her that he would never be the man she deserved to be with, maybe he still thought the same. Maybe he thought that Hank would be a better man, that he would treat her the way that she deserved to be treated.

But she knew that Hank didn't love her, and she didn't love Hank. Hank wasn't better than Grissom; he was only someone she was hanging out with because she had no one else. He was someone she slept with because she couldn't be with Grissom. Probably that made her a bad person but she had the feeling that Hank wasn't any better. She did not really know much about him but she didn't feel the need to get to know him better either. He made her feel like a woman and sometimes that was all she needed.

She wished that she could tell Grissom that she still wanted to be with him, that he was the reason why she came to Vegas and why she stayed, that she did the best she could so that he would notice her, that she was working as much overtime as possible to be able to spend more time in his company… that she was in love with him since the day they first met. She wished that she wouldn't lack the guts to tell him what she felt for him.

But if she would tell him, she knew that it would probably not change a thing. It would probably only make it worse because he would maybe start to regret what had happened back then. And this was something that would be even worse. Because she did not want him to regret. If he would regret that one night they spent with each other, that one night which meant more to her than anything else, then, then she knew, her heart would break into a thousand pieces.

She sighed softly and swallowed the tears. She had to stop caring so much about him; she could still wait for him without hurting herself so much. One day she would either get over him or he would finally admit that he still felt something for her. She couldn't affect it, she had tried it and it hadn't worked. She should wait and see what would happen. When he was ready he would show her, she would be ready no matter when that would be.

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TBC

please leave me some feedback :)


	9. Crash and Burn

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Thousand thanks to **Rhee** for being such an amazing beta reader! Thank you so much!

See, I did not lie when I said that I would update more frequently from now on ;) Okay, this chap is different than the other ones, actually different from EVERYTHING I ever wrote :lol: because for the first time in my 'fan fic writing life' I wrote Catherine as a nice person, lol.

Enjoy!

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chapter 9

Okay, this had been a slap to her face. She couldn't deny that it had hurt her more than she had thought it would. But her pride was hurt more than her feelings. Who did Hank think he was? And how could she be stupid enough to let him do that to her?

He had been smart enough to be able to fool her; she really hadn't suspected anything at all. But now she knew where he had been whenever he had pretended to work a double shift, now she knew what he had been doing when his cell phone had been switched off, now she knew why he had sometimes been acting so weird when they had met some of his colleagues and she now knew why he had never introduced her to his friends. At least, she thought, since he had to keep their relationship – if it had ever been one – a secret, he hadn't been able to show off with it if front of his friends. That would have been even more embarrassing. In fact, she was more embarrassed than hurt.

She leaned back into the seat and closed her eyes. She was thankful that Catherine didn't talk much during the ride; she wasn't in the mood to talk about it, not yet. She had never really been getting along well with Cath, but today she was really thankful that it had been Catherine who became witness of what had happened between her and Hank.

Sara didn't have any friends outside of the department; actually only Warrick and Nick were her friends. Sometimes she also chatted with Greg, but he wasn't really on her wavelength. But she wouldn't be able to talk about this with Nick or Warrick; if one of them would have been working with her today she knew it would have felt worse.

Catherine must know how she felt right now, Sara thought. Gladly. Maybe talking with a woman might help forgetting Hank and getting over him as soon as possible.

When they entered the bar Sara couldn't help but think that Catherine definitely knew where to go when you need distraction. They sat down on a table in the corner of the room and Catherine ordered two beers. They didn't talk until the beers had been brought.

"How long were you dating him?" Cath asked looking at her.

"Over a year." Sara needed to bite back her anger, she was actually angrier that she had let him fool her than about the fact that he had fooled her.

"Right, I remember that I saw him with you in the diner while I was more or less fooled in that kidnapping case." Cath nodded.

"Yeah, you put a glass with a finger in it on our desk before you left." Now Sara had to chuckle. "I should have known right then that it was a bad omen."

"Sometimes men are just jerks." Cath downed half of the beer at once.

"Oh yeah." Sara agreed. "But you know what the bad thing is? I can't even hate him or be mad at him because I actually wasn't any better."

Catherine raised an eyebrow and threw an asking look at her.

Sara shrugged. "I just started seeing him because I needed distraction from the," She stopped and took a huge sip from her glass. When she was about to put it down on the table again she changed her mind and downed it all at once. She needed to overcome her inhibitions before she could continue. She pressed her eyes closed and swallowed hard. When she opened them again her vision was blurred for a second or two, but then she felt that she was able to speak again. "I needed to find a distraction from the man that I actually wanted to be with."

"Who was that man?" Catherine asked after a moment.

"Just someone." Sara said staring at her empty glass. "I need to get another one."

Catherine nodded and signalized the waiter to bring them two more beers.

"I thought I could get over him when I'd date someone else. When I'd sleep with someone else and would pretend that I love someone else."

"That never works." Catherine sighed and leaned back. "You still love that other guy?"

Sara nodded softly. "That is the ironic thing about all this. I started dating Hank and hoped that I could forget about… about the other guy. But I couldn't. Far from it. I just started to feel more for him. And it drove me insane that he did not even get jealous when he found out about me and Hank. In fact that hurt more than _this_ does now."

"Does the other guy know about your feelings for him?"

Sara shook her head. "No, no I don't think so. I mean I doubt that he would treat me the way he does if he would know."

Finally the next beers were served and Sara again prepared to down it, but Catherine stopped her. "Getting drunk doesn't make it better."

Sara sighed; she knew that Cath was right. "You know I just wish that he would know what I feel, but I lack the guts to tell him. And it would probably not change anything at all. He wouldn't fall in love with me because I mean he would never want to be with me anyways."

"Why not?" Catherine asked slightly surprised. "Sara you are a young, intelligent, beautiful woman. Why would he not want to be with you?"

"Because… because he thinks that it wouldn't work." Sara said with a sad tone in her voice.

"Who is he?" Catherine asked once again.

Sara lifted her eyes from her glass to Catherine's face and bit down on her bottom lip.

And Catherine seemed to realize whom Sara was talking about. Her mouth dropped open and she was obviously surprised. It took a moment until she found her words back. "Sara, I think it would be a good idea to… to…"

"Move on? Get over him? Yeah that would definitely be the best I could do, but the bad thing is that it doesn't work." She said feeling really desperate for a moment. "Cath I don't know what else I can do. Whenever I think that I finally made the first step away from him something happens and… and I loose my way again."

"Gil is… he is not the kind of person who follows his feelings. He is only thinking with his head and never with his heart Sara. He asked you to come to Vegas because he trusts you, and while I am sure that subconsciously his intentions were deeper than he wanted them to be, I don't think that he that…"

"He's not going to act on it, I know. Damn I know that. I wish I could stop caring about him but the harder I try to care less, the more I care for him." She took a huge gulp of her beer. "I can tell myself again and again that he does not care about me, it just doesn't work."

Catherine bit on her bottom lip. "I know I am just adding more fuel to the fire, but he does care a lot about you Sara."

Sara threw an unbelieving look at her.

"He did not tell me, but when you thought about quitting the job it really tore him apart. He is bad with expressing what he feels because he doesn't want anyone to think that he has any feelings at all."

Sara couldn't believe it, this was not really what she had needed to hear right now her plans to get over him were destroyed once again. So he did care about her! To hell, why couldn't he simply _show _her that he cared?

"I guess I shouldn't have told you." Catherine said when she saw Sara's expression.

Sara shook her head and sighed. "Doesn't matter." She downed the rest of her beer. "I should simply give up the problem is that I am really bad when it comes to giving up."

Catherine nodded softly.

"I… uhm, I know maybe I… about what happened a couple of weeks ago, I really wish that I could have found something to."

"I was overreacting. Sara I know that when it comes to our job we can only do so much, sometimes we do everything we can and it's still not enough. I was stressed out and," She sighed. "I was just totally stressed out."

"How is Lindsey?"

"Not good, she still doesn't understand that she will never see her father again." Catherine swallowed hard. "To get back to the actual theme, Sara you should talk with him, it's not going to take the two of you anywhere if you simply hush up."

Sara sighed, she had hoped that they could change the subject, talking about Grissom with Catherine had felt relieving at first but now it made her feel more and more uncomfortable. She could simply tell Catherine that Grissom had made it clear long ago that there would never be more between them, but she didn't think that there would be any positive outcome from revealing their 'past' to Catherine. The effects would only be negative and she knew that.

"Well, we better pay now. Tomorrow is going to be another day full of work."

Sara nodded softly, thankful that Catherine seemed to understand that she wasn't able to talk about this any longer. This evening did not make them friends but it had changed Sara's attitude towards Catherine. And even though it had been anything but helpful in terms of her plan to get over Grissom, she couldn't help but feel better since Catherine had told her that Grissom did indeed care about her.

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TBC

So what did you think about this?


	10. Play with Fire

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: see, I am still not breaking my promise of updating regularly ;) Many thanks to **SaraSidleGrissom1 **and** Myra.**

And thousand thanks to** Rhee** for beta reading, you're the best!

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chapter 10

She suppressed the tears and tried to ignore the stabbing pain in her heart. She didn't want to cry. It was not worth it. He was not worth it. Since she knew him he had hurt her more than anyone ever had; she should have accepted it before that he didn't want to be with her. Why had she been so stubborn?

It would have been better if she hadn't moved to Vegas. At least not because of him. In the last three years everything she had done, she had been doing for him. And it had all been in vain. She swallowed hard. Tears formed in her eyes and this made her so mad about herself. She didn't want to cry. No, she wouldn't cry, never, not again, not because of him. Why did he mean so much to her that she did not manage to control herself?

She passed by the reception and was on her way to the exit door when she started to notice that someone was following her. She tried to ignore it but it made her nervous. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes while she opened the door and exited the building. A wave of hot air blew into her face and she gasped and squeezed her eyes shut. She opened them again when she knew that she had reached the sidewalk.

So what was she supposed to do now? One thing was clear; she had to stop thinking about Grissom. She had to stop caring for him. It would be easier if she could hate him, but somehow she couldn't. She was not even mad, just hurt.

Maybe it had been too fast for him. Maybe she had taken him by surprise. Maybe he just really didn't know what to do. Was she trying to find excuses for him? That was so typically for her, she thought; he turned her down and showed her that he did not want to be with her and _she_ was still searching for excuses in order to justify herself for still loving him.

She had stopped walking when she had reached the sidewalk, remembering that she had no car because Nick had given her a ride back to the lab. Since she had stopped, the person who had followed her was now about to catch up with her. She couldn't ignore him any longer now, she tried though. She could either take a cab or walk home, but she was not really in the mood for either of her options.

She sighed and sat down on the small wall near the entrance. This day had just been too full of troubles. First the explosion, which had more or less to be seen as 'physical trouble', then Grissom had been sitting down next to her and had been holding her hand, he had been worried, had tried to take care of her and he had called her 'Honey'; making her feel as if she really meant more to him. You don't call your subordinate 'Honey' when she is only a subordinate to you! This had sent her into a state of mental dizziness, she had been so confused. Then she had felt somehow, well somehow indestructible; she had entered the suspect's apartment without feeling the slightest hint of fear; she hadn't thought about the possibility to get injured. Grissom had been right when he had told her that she had been fortunate; this could have had a bad ending. And unfortunately her self-confidence had still been boosted by the fact that nothing had happened to her at the suspect's apartment. She shouldn't have asked him. She had felt strong and ready and had concluded from his concern that now he would want more.

First his reaction had hurt her, had stabbed her like a knife, had broken her heart, _'No.'_ At first she had not been able to believe it; she had tried to convince him; she told him that they should simply see what would happen, but he, he didn't know what to do about this. _'This'_. Probably she shouldn't have told him that he might be too late when he'd figure it out. Deep in her heart she knew that he would never be too late, never. And with her last comment she knew she had put the bite on him. She shouldn't have done so. She knew he wouldn't see it as an ultimatum, when she had said it she had meant it as one, but now she wished she hadn't said it.

The other person sat down next to her. She knew that it was him without even looking at him. She crossed her arms over her chest and buried her fingers into the flesh of her upper arms. She tried to take a deep breath but she started to shudder and the deep breath turned into a several little gasps. The tears threatened to break through the barriers and she tried to swallow them as hard as she could.

"Sara I…" He started but like so often didn't know how to continue his sentence.

She closed her eyes and bit down on her bottom lip. A single tear escaped from her eye and ran down her cheek. She didn't make any effort to wipe it away, didn't care that he would see it. "Let's just forget about this." She finally managed to say with weak voice.

"I owe you an explanation." He confessed and she could feel his eyes on her. She could imagine the expression of his eyes and she hated it that she knew exactly that she wouldn't be able to hold out against this expression.

"I don't want an explanation, they just hurt." She said almost inaudible.

She could hear him sigh and for a moment she thought about opening her eyes again, but she wasn't ready to face him yet.

"I didn't mean to sound harsh and I know that I did. I did not mean to hurt you."

This didn't make it any better. Why couldn't she just hate him as much as she was in love with him?

"It's just... Sara, you know why things would never would work out between us."

"That was eight years ago Grissom." She said softly and now opened her eyes, looking at him, straight into his eyes.

"It's not the right time. Not today and not in the next months."

"Why not today?"

"You're on an altitude flight and I am in a downward spiral." He answered after a moment.

"What's wrong Griss?" Now she got worried; what was wrong with him?

He sighed and stood up. "Nothing important. Don't worry I'll be okay, it will just take a while."

Damn it why did he sound so nonchalant about this now? "Grissom you," She sighed. "You can always talk with me."

"I'm going to be alright."

She nodded softly, knowing that he wouldn't talk about it with her anyways. "Okay." She really doubted that she would be alright though.

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TBC

tell me what you think about this chap if you like to :)


	11. Invisible Evidence

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Wohoo another chapter, I can't believe that I really got over my writer's block on this story

enjoy :) this chapter is about **Invisible Evidence** :wub:

Many many many thanks to** Rhee** for beta reading!

* * *

chapter 11

Damn she definitely needed a cold shower now. What to hell had that been? She was still shivering from the showers of sensations that had been running down her spine.

First she had been really pissed off because he hadn't allowed her to continue working her case and she had wished that she wouldn't have lacked the guts to tell him what she had really been thinking about him in that moment. '_I'm handing out assignments, Sara. It's not a negotiation.'_ She had felt less hurt than exposed in front of the others. The times in which he could hurt her were over; she was over him. At least this was what she had been thinking.

Then, when she had calmed down about the assignments, she had started to focus on the case. Her interest had been waken up and she came to the decision that she really wanted to solve this case.

While she had been on her way to the garage she had spotted the victim's sheets in the lay out room. She entered to take a closer look at it short before Grissom had joined her in there. Without really thinking about it she had initiated a re-enactment of the victim's rape. She had been standing with her back to the sheets while Grissom had been standing dangerously close to her. His hands had been on her wrists while she had been indicating the victim's struggle. Then she had mentioned that the attacker must have put his hands on the sheet for leverage and after a second Grissom had let go of her wrists and had positioned his hands near her hips.

Their gazes had met and she had felt a shower of sensations running down her spine. The way he had been looking at her had scared her a bit, on the other hand it had also been incredible arousing. His face had been so close to hers that she had been able to feel his breath upon her skin. She had felt how all her resolutions were sinking into oblivion. She just hadn't been able to allow herself to get under his spell again. She had finally been able to accept that nothing would ever happen between them again and then something like _this_ had happened.

She had been able to feel how much he had wanted her in that moment. And she had wanted him just as much. But she hadn't been able to do this to herself again. No matter what would happen, she knew she'd end up heartbroken once again, and she really wasn't in the mood for this anymore. She couldn't take this anymore.

She had broken away from him and had tried to find an excuse. She knew that she had to find something that would bring them both back to the realization that they were at work and that this was not allowed to happen, whatever the reasons were. So she had started to talk about her application for the promotion and had told him that she hoped that their 'history' and the things that had happened after the lab explosion wouldn't be a factor. His expression had totally knocked her off the track. And later she had told him that she was always over-talking when she was around him, something that she probably shouldn't have said. Now he knew that he still made her nervous. She had left him standing there without saying anything else, she had felt too exposed and in addition to this the insight that she was everything but over him had hit her.

She had been doing so well in the last months! She had been so glad that for the first time in years she hadn't been thinking of him while falling asleep, that she hadn't been dreaming of him all night and that she he hadn't been the first person of whom she thought after she woke up. And now this.

She knew that of course he still did not know what to do about them, but he had been as aroused by this as she had been. She had been able to feel how he had undressed her with his eyes. And then the expression in his eyes when she had started to talk about her application! He hadn't been able to understand why she had changed the subject or better said why she had broken the silence in order to escape the tension, which had _rapidly _built up, between them. Great, how was she supposed to ever forget about this moment again? He had wanted her and she knew that if she hadn't pulled away he would not have been able to control himself much longer.

She reached the lockers room and after the door fell shut behind her she leaned back against her locker. With her eyes closed, she tried to regain control over herself. So how was she supposed to behave now? Ignore it? That was probably the best she could do. It had taken her months and lots of ice cream to finally start moving on.

The look in his eyes hadn't been subtle; she knew exactly what he had been feeling. And this was what made it so hard for her. She knew that he felt something for her, it was obvious. But something held him back from acting on it, she didn't know what it was but it didn't matter, it was strong enough to keep him away from her, nothing would happen. That was the bitter truth. Before he wouldn't overcome his stupid reasons he would never realize that they could be happy together.

Damn it they could be happy! They could be so happy and... She shook her head. She had to find a way to be happy without him. She had been on the best way to get over him; she needed to get back on the right track again now. The problem just was that he still had this power over her, he was able to get her hopes up with the slightest gesture, okay this time it had _not _been 'slight', the tension between them had almost been leading to an explosion!

She sighed softly. She needed to go back to work. If they wanted to nail that guy they really had to hurry up. There wasn't much time left. But she still didn't feel ready to face anyone yet. Gosh, she wished that she hadn't broken away from him. Maybe Grissom wouldn't have managed to control himself much longer, maybe he would have, maybe he would have kissed her or touched her, maybe he would have put his hands on her hips, maybe he would have slipped his fingers under her shirt and, _oh Sara stop day dreaming, as if that would have happened._

She turned around and opened her locker. Absentmindedly rummaging it for something she didn't know. _Maybe he would have kissed me. But what would that have changed?_ She knew that she wouldn't be able to stand it if her heart would be broken again. Back then in San Francisco she had pretended that she would be able to handle it, but after he had left she had had to realize that she was everything but able to handle it. If he would have kissed her now – she was sure – it wouldn't have taken long until he'd have regretted it. And that would have destroyed her.

It was better this way; there was nothing for him to regret and nothing for her to get heartbroken over. She closed her locker again and smiled to herself. There was one thing that no-one could take away from her and which even _he_ couldn't deny, at least not in front of himself, he wanted her or at least had been wanting her in that moment. Yeah he definitely couldn't deny that.

Sara left the lockers room and made her way back to the garage. She had to solve two problems now; problem number one, how was she supposed to tell herself any longer that it wasn't worth waiting for him because he didn't see her as a woman but only as a subordinate? And problem number two, how was she supposed to get rid of that smile on her lips? He wanted her! That was a start.

* * *

TBC

please leave me some feedback when you like to :)


	12. Butterflied

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or any dialogue that I quoted.

AN: Next chapter :) thanks to **Myra**, **Becca **and **Lisa** :) And thousand thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading!

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chapter 12

She wanted to cry. How, how could she let it happen that he had managed to break her heart again? He had obviously not known that she had been standing behind the one way mirror, he wouldn't have said all this if he would have known that she had been there, that she had been able to hear him, every word, every _damned _single word.

"_But then, all of a sudden ... we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody ... we could care about. She offers us a new life with her... but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her."_

Yes damn it, yes she had offered him a new life, she had offered him a life with _her_, a life in which he would be _alive_! She had wanted to spend her life with him, she had moved to Vegas to spend her life with him! _She_ had given up everything in order to be with him, near him.

"_I couldn't do it..."_

He hadn't been able to do it; why? Because she wasn't worth risking it? For her, he had been worth giving up her life. She had given up everything for him! And she would do it again. Damn it she would do it again because she loved him. Even after hearing him say what he had been telling the suspect, she still loved him. And she despised herself for being so stupid.

It _was_ stupid, for him she wasn't worth risking it; she would probably never be worth risking it. The painful memory of their last conversation in San Francisco ran through her mind. _'Sara it would never work, you would never be happy. My job is the most important thing in my life, seamless followed by science, you would never be happy to be only the number three. And you deserve better, you deserve to be somebody's number one.' _

She swallowed the tears that were rising up in her eyes. Back then she had been able to control herself enough to not break down in front of him; she had been able to not start crying in front of him, but back then she hadn't known that she could ever love him as much as she did now.

But obviously what he had been telling her back then had not been the whole truth. There was more that he feared. He feared that being with her would mean risking his job. But there were no written rules against supervisor/subordinate relationships. It was frown upon but it was not strictly forbidden.

And he… he feared that after giving up his prior life - a life which had not been a _real_ life – for a new life with her, she would take this new life away from him again and then would give it to someone else. He feared that once when she had shown him a wonderful life, a life full of happiness and full of love, she would take it away and that then he would have lost it all, that he wouldn't be able to live without all this anymore.

She was sitting on the ground, leaning against the kitchen counter. Her thighs were pressed against her chest, her arms were twined around her legs and her forehead was leaning against her knees. She closed her eyes, only for a moment but now she wasn't able to control herself any longer. At first, she was only sobbing but then her tears broke through the barriers and she started to cry harder and harder with every minute.

Why wasn't she worth it? _Why?_ She felt so helpless, so heartbroken, so desperate. There was nothing she could do, nothing she could say to him. He wouldn't risk anything for her; he wouldn't do it because he couldn't. He wasn't strong enough or was he too strong? Too strong to let this wall around him break down?

After a long time, when her head hurt so much that it felt as if it would explode and after there were no more tears to cry, she looked up for a moment. Her vision was blurred and the bright light burned in her eyes. Her gaze fell on her fridge and somehow she found the strength to stand up and walk over to it. After a moment, she found what she had been looking for.

Sitting on the ground again she emptied the first two bottles of beer as if it was water. _Not worth it. Not worth risking it. _She opened the next bottle. The worst thing was that she knew that he wanted her as much as she wanted him. She had seen it in his eyes when they had re-enacted that girl's rape weeks ago. He wanted to be with her, he had feelings for her but he did not _want_ to have these feelings.

"Damn you Gil Grissom." She said half whispering. She downed the third beer and squeezed her eyes shut during the last swallows. She felt sick but she didn't really care. "Damn him!" She threw the empty bottle against the counter in front of her. The bottle cracked into hundreds of shards. She grinned, now that was a nice mess. She took the second bottle into her hand. "Damn you Gil Grissom!" She shouted when the bottle hit the counter. Now she chuckled, oh yeah, how symbolic, shards, shards everywhere broken, broken like her heart, broken like her hopes, broken like her dreams. Broken just like her.

Drinking wasn't a resolution to her problems and it wouldn't help her to get over this but it let her forget the pain, only for short while but it was better than nothing. She opened another bottle; she stared at it for a moment. So deep, so deep he had made her fall.

God why couldn't she just stop loving him so much? _Why?_ Why did he mean so much to her? What was it about him that made her love him so much? Need him so much? "Why? Why!" She shouted. "Why?" She started to cry again, she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to fight back the tears. No she shouldn't cry for him any longer. If she wasn't worth it for him then he shouldn't be worth it for her. She downed the beer and opened her eyes again. Okay, that had been too much, now she really felt sick. But she didn't care.

She let her upper body sink down and she stretched out on the ground._ Wow I really need to clean up more thoroughly down here. _She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, resting her head on the right arm. Why couldn't she just wake up tomorrow morning and realize that all this had just been a bad dream?

* * *

TBC

Some feedback would be nice ;)


	13. No More Bets

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: I love this fic so much, I don't know why. And I know usually when I love something very much not many people like it, but I don't care... I think this is one of the best chaps so far, so enjoy ;)

many thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading! You're the best! And also many thanks to **Myra** for always being there!

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chapter 13 

In the last weeks she had done her best to get over Grissom. She had tried to tell herself that, since she wasn't worth it for him, he shouldn't be worth it for her. It hadn't worked that well though, but gladly she had always been smart enough to store a couple of beers in her fridge.

Yes she knew that there were more problems than answers in the bottom of a bottle, but as long as she could forget about her heartache for a while she didn't care. It had been horrible to work with Grissom all the time, always having to pretend that everything was fine between them. He didn't know what she had heard and she wouldn't tell him. It wouldn't change anything anyway.

And then his comment about not having seen her for a while. If she hadn't known better she would have thought that he was trying to ask her out. But he would never do that. No, he never would risk anything in order to be with her. She wouldn't get her hopes up for any personal validation from him anymore.

She had been hoping that he would at least validate her work though. That he would see that she was a great CSI, that she was one of the best CSIs at the lab. She had hoped that he would see that she was doing everything she could to be the best and that she deserved this promotion. But he had recommended Nick. Not that Nick would not have deserved it, but she would have deserved it more.  
It had been a slap in the face and it had hurt even more because it hadn't been Grissom who had told her that he hadn't recommended her; no, Nick had been the one who had informed her about it. It had been so difficult to pretend that she was happy for Nick.

She had been thinking about asking Grissom for his reasons for a while. She had expected him to back out of the conversation or to find a lame excuse, so his answer had not really surprised her. _"Because he didn't care whether he got the job or not" _She had expected that his answer would only be another pretend and as stupid as his allegedly reason had been, she knew that he had indeed not been telling the truth.

It hurt. It had been hurting more while she had been working the limousine together with him, but it was still hurting now. _Fuck, didn't I just buy two six-packs the other day?_ She wondered while rummaging her fridge. After a moment she gave up. Throwing the fridge shut she sighed and leaned against it with her back. So she had two options now, ordering food and hoping that she could order some beer with it or getting dressed again and walk to the next supermarket to get some beer there.

She wasn't hungry so she reluctantly put on the matching jacket to her track pants and grabbed her keys. She met her neighbor on her way out but she didn't waste time greeting her. She pretty much didn't care about anyone at the moment and tried simply to ignore the outside world.

The clerk in the drugstore already knew her name, from her credit card probably. She should pay cash more often. He winked at her when she put the six-pack on the cash desk. "Your boyfriend must love beer, does he?" Sara only rolled with her eyes and threw the money on the counter; she knew where this was supposed to lead. Without waiting for her change she grabbed her beer and left. She wasn't in the mood to get hit on tonight.

As soon as she had exited the supermarket she opened one of the cans. She had already emptied it when she reached the entrance of her apartment building, even though it was only a three minutes walk. Her neighbor was still standing outside and shook her head when Sara - once again - ignored her friendly greeting. Sara hurried up to her apartment and threw the door shut behind her when she had finally reached it.

She let herself drop on the sofa and closed her eyes for a moment. _Damn you Gil Grissom, damn you, damn you, damn you._ "Because he didn't care whether he got the job or not." She aped Grissom. _Didn't care my ass!_ She downed another can of beer.

This should have opened her eyes for now. Grissom was an asshole and he didn't care a damn about her anymore. He didn't have a problem with her but he didn't care about her either or did not want to care. He did not even notice her as an outstanding CSI anymore.

_Yeah what a great mentor, what a great friend, what a great man to loose your heart to Sara. _She chuckled, she could only laugh about her stupidity now. How could she ever tolerate it that he had gotten so much power over her?

She grabbed the remote control for her hi-fi unit and switched it on. She turned up the sound to the limit and grinned. Yes, Papa Roach reflected her mood perfectly now. She opened another can and took a few sips. Then she leaned back and stretched out on the sofa. Oh yeah, this was a good way to relax.

Suddenly she heard the dull sounds of hands drumming against her door. She rolled with her eyes and got up. She grabbed the can and emptied it, then she made her way to the door. She opened after taking a deep breath, almost getting hit by her neighbor's fist.

"Could you possibly turn down the volume of your stereo?" Her neighbor asked irritated.  
Sara bit down on her bottom lip. She should have thought of that.

"Miss Sidle I know you're pretty much ignoring your outside world, but even though this might be news to you, there are other people living in this apartment building and those would really like to get some rest and not be bothered by this crap which dares to call itself music."

Sara's eyes narrowed. She should calm down, she knew it, but she hated it when someone snapped at her and today, today she could really not tell herself to stay calm. "I can listen to music as loud and as much as I want. I'm paying enough rent for this damned apartment to be allowed to do so." Angrily she threw the can into her kitchen without even trying to hit the trash can.

"We are paying as much money as you do and we have the right to not be bothered by your mood swings."

"I don't have mood swings, I just have a boss who is a bastard." Sara snapped back.

Her neighbor raised an eyebrow. "Turn down that damned music or I'll call the caretaker."

Sara shrugged. "Good luck with that." She threw the door shut and headed for the sofa again. She was in the mood for another beer, she was not in the mood to get kicked out of her apartment though. So she thought better and turned down the volume of the music.

She leaned back on the sofa and put her feet on the coffee table. She downed another can of beer before she lay down and tried to relax. With the alcohol in her system she was at least able to forget about the pain for a while.

* * *

TBC

Some feedback would be nice ;)


	14. Bloodlines

Disclaimer: I still do not own CSI :(

AN: Another chapter ;) last one about season 4. Wohoo 2 more seasons to write about :) Enjoy this chapter, it's about **Bloodlines** :)

Thousand thanks to **Rhee **for being the best beta reader ever!

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chapter 14

Okay, _this _was rock bottom. She could feel his eyes on her from time to time but she tried to ignore it. She pretended to be focused on the lights of the casinos; she pretended to be not there at all. This was so embarrassing!

He stopped the car when the traffic light went red and she could feel that he had turned to her. She closed her eyes and prayed that he wouldn't start talking; she prayed that he would not say anything at all. She shouldn't have agreed when he had offered to take her home, but on the other hand, if she would have told them that she would get home alone, it would have lead to a discussion and in the end he would have insisted on taking her home anyway.

"This is just not you Sara." He broke the silence, his voice sounded dry and sad.

She swallowed hard and looked down on her hands.

"Sara, I did not want to accuse you because of it but Jim told me some time ago that you… that you came to work after you…" He made a long pause. "Sara look at me." He commanded softly.

"Green." She answered shortly.

"What?" But then he realized what she had meant. He started the engine of the car again and they continued their ride in silence.

The next time he stopped was when they had reached her apartment building. She wanted to get out of the car as fast as she could but when she was about to open the car door she felt his hand on her arm. She turned to him and he slipped his fingers around her wrist.

"Sara, we need to talk about this." He told her seriously.

"I don't want to talk." She replied, sounding crabbier than she actually was.

He sighed but did not let go of her wrist. "I'm serious about this Sara. I'm not going to let you leave before we haven'ttalked about this."

She shifted back into her seat and looked at him, she freed her hand from his grasp and crossed her arms over her chest. "I know that I made a mistake, I shouldn't have tried to drive after drinking. But I did not drink much, I thought it would be okay. I was fine."

"Why did you drink?"

"I just had a beer or two with the guys. This was a crappy day and the whole week hadn't been any better. I… I needed to get away from it all." She answered softly.

"But alcohol is not… How often do you drink to 'get away from it all'? Sara…"

"I don't have a drinking problem." She insisted. "If that is what you're thinking." He sighed and reached out for her hand but she pulled away. "I want to sleep. May I go now?"

"Sara, Jim told me that you were primed at a crime scene a couple of weeks ago." He sounded worried and she hated it that he sounded worried. She didn't want him to care.

"I just had two beers with breakfast. Then I was called back in for work. That was it." She snapped at him.

He nodded softly. "I'm just worried."

_Great_, that only made it worse. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "No need to be worried, I'm okay."

"You have pretended to be okay for a long time Sara. And…"

"I am not the one who is pretending anything here."

He raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean with that?"

"Nothing."

He nodded softly. "I want you to take some time off. Go on paid leave and talk with a P.E.A.P. counselor. Sometimes talking helps."

"Why do you never talk then?" She challenged him.

"I don't have problems." The expression in his eyes was weird and it sent a cold shower down her spine.

"I don't have problems either." She replied.

"I have a question, you don't have to answer it but I want you to think about it." He tried to meet her eyes with his. "Okay?"

She nodded softly. "Okay."

"In the past couple of weeks, how often did you have a couple of beers with breakfast?"

She swallowed hard. She knew the answer. _Too often._ She brought her hands up to her face and pressed her palms against her cheeks and covered her eyes with her fingers. Suddenly she could feel his hand on her shoulder, he softly squeezed it and she turned to him.

"Take some time off, Sara. You need it. You need to get away from work for a while. You're on the fastest way to burn out at the moment. And I don't want this to happen." His voice sounded so caring. So caring that she was drawn to him again.

"I… I am not burning out."

"Sara, I…" He sighed. "Sara, I am not going to discuss this with you any longer. You are going to take some time off. You have ten weeks on the books; I want you to take at least six weeks off. And we are not going to discuss this either. When I see you at the lab tomorrow I will have to find other solutions for this and you would like these even less." He was speaking slowly and calm, but she could feel how anger rose up in him.

"Why do you feel responsible for this? Why can't you just go on an pretend that you don't care about me, just like you always did?" Suddenly the words started bursting out of her.

He gasped but didn't answer. She waited for a couple of minutes but he didn't say a single word. At some point she just had enough of waiting for his answer. She left the car and headed for the entrance to her apartment building.

When she had reached the entrance door she heard how he threw the door of the car shut behind him and seconds later she could hear his footsteps coming closer. She didn't stop walking, she entered and made her way to the stairs, he was walking faster than she was so he was about to catch up with her. She made her way upstairs to her door and opened it. She waited at the doorstep until he had finally caught up with her. She leaned against the doorframe and bit down on her bottom lip.

"I'm sorry Sara." He confessed.

She raised an eyebrow. "Sorry for what?"

"Everything." He wanted to reach out for her but she turned away and entered her apartment.

He obviously wanted to follow her in but he didn't know whether or not she wanted him to do so. She watched him while she sat down on the sofa. "You won." She said softly. "I'll take some time off and I will talk with the P.E.A.P. counselor, I'll make an appointment tomorrow morning." She had expected to see a content smile on his lips by now but he didn't smile, he looked sad. "You may enter." She told him while she tried to meet his gaze.

He shook his head. "I need to get back to the lab."

"Great, back out of this again." She shook her head unbelieving.

"I'm not backing out of anything." He tried to defend himself.

"You owe me an explanation."

"I had a decision to make Sara and Nick seemed the better choice, I did not mean to hurt you. I know that you are a great CSI, you are one of the best and Nick is not necessarily better, but he seemed to be the better choice."

"That's not what I meant." He raised an eyebrow. "Why didn't you want to have dinner with me?" She knew why, but only unofficially. She wanted to know it with him knowing that she knew it.

He was leaning against the doorframe now. He was thinking about what to answer, she could see it by the look in his eyes. They remained in silence for a long time, but she would wait. "I don't know how to explain this to you Sara." He told her after a moment. But she wouldn't let him leave before he hadn't given her the answer she needed.

"I want to know." She insisted.

He sighed and tried to meet her gaze, he tried to apologize with the expression in his eyes but she shook her head. She deserved to know it. "It just wasn't the right time. Not only because of… not only because…" He paused and scratched his head. "I was suffering from otosclerosis. I was going deaf."

Her mouth dropped open, she couldn't believe this, Grissom going deaf? _Grissom. _"I had the option to either accept the deafness or to have a surgery. A surgery, which had its risks. I had just made the decision to have this surgery when you entered my office. You know I thought that deafness would only add up to the reasons why I couldn't be with you and I didn't know whether or not the surgery would be successful. I was scared. And I didn't want you to worry. And I did not, I did not want you to end up with a deaf guy who... I didn't think it would be fair."

She felt tears rising up in her eyes. She had to do her best to swallow them. "Grissom I… I… I'm sorry. I didn't…"

"No I'm sorry Sara." He told her softly. "Promise me to not drink again, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay."

He nodded back at her and gave her a soft smile. "We'll see each other in six weeks then." He turned around and was about to leave.

"Griss," She called after him. She hurried to the door, he was already on the stairs but he stopped when he heard her calling out for him. "Thank you, for everything."

He smiled at her and left without saying anything else. His answer hadn't been the answer she had expected to get, but it was a huge sign of trust. Probably no one else knew about this, at least the guys didn't, they wouldn't have been able to keep still about it. But he had told her – _her_ - and he _cared_ for her. He had been worried. Worried because of _her._

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TBC

I'd love to get some feedback ;)


	15. Viva Las Vegas

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: So, first chapter about season 5 :) I think there will be about 11 more chapters after this one, maybe even 15, I didn't decide that yet.

many many many thanks to** Rhee** for beta reading! you're the best, thank you so much for your wonderful suggestions!

Enjoy this chap, I don't know if I did really well on it though :S ; this chap is about **Viva Las Vegas**.

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chapter 15

She really felt better, Grissom had been right; she had been close to a burn out. The time away from work, away from everyone including him, had really helped her. She had been able to think it all through. She had been able to make decisions; she wouldn't work so much anymore, she would take some time off from work, she would stop seeking for validation through him, she would do her job as good as she always had without doing it for his validation.

She would try to accept that he didn't want anything more than a friendship with her, it would be difficult but she had to accept it for her own sake. The fact that he had shown her that he cared for her - that he cared a lot for her - had at first boosted her hopes that he would finally confess that he had feelings for her, but after a couple of conversations with her P.E.A.P Counselor she had realized that she needed to accept that he would never be ready for that. She had to accept that maybe he didn't have feelings for her at all, that he did not feel for her what she felt for him. She would try to do that, she had made a promise to herself that she would never again let herself get so close to rock bottom because of him.

At first the conversations with the P.E.A.P Counselor had felt weird, she had never told anyone about her feelings, her fears, her problems and her past, but after a couple of hours it had started to relieve her. For the first time in her life she had really felt relieved. Grissom had been right when he had told her that talking would help her to deal with her problems. Talking helped more than drinking had. She knew that now. And she knew that she did not have a drinking problem. Yes she had been drinking too much, but she had a problem with herself, not with controlling her alcohol consume.

Her problems had not disappeared but now she knew that there were solutions and ways to deal with them. Maybe one day she would really be able to solve all her problems, this day still seemed to be far away, but she knew that it would come. She had to take one step after another.

Her P.E.A.P Counselor had told her that she should tell her supervisor about her past. She had told her that she should ask him to not assign her for domestic violence cases for a while, at least until she had found back to her usual professionalism. Sara had tried to talk with Grissom about it, she had even rehearsed her 'speech' in front of a mirror but when she had wanted to talk with him she had suddenly felt as if it wasn't necessary anymore. She was back at the lab, in the company of her colleagues and friends; she had felt safe as soon as they had been around her, it had felt like coming home and _this_ home felt safe. She hadn't felt the need to tell him anymore. It had been a busy night anyway, they wouldn't have had the time to really talk and she would need time to open up to him about her past.

At some point she would talk about it with him but at the moment she felt fine. Her first day at work had really been good so far, the case had kind of thrilled her and she and Nick had had a good time. She had enjoyed seeing him again, he was like a brother to her and his jokes had always managed to cheer her up.

She had missed the guys, even Greg. Although he sometimes annoyed her; he was cute. She had also missed Grissom, had missed him much more than the others, even though she had told herself that she shouldn't miss him. She had also tried to tell herself that she should think less about him but it had taken her a while until she had been able to stick to her resolutions.

The time off had been good for her. At first it had felt weird to spend so much time at home, to spend so much time away from work. It had taken her some time to get used to it. She had never slept more than four or five hours per night, always telling herself that she did not need much sleep. When she now had finally had the time to sleep she had used it. Being well rested was a new experience, it felt amazing. She had realized that she needed to take better care of herself, two or three hours more sleep worked real wonders, especially when she did not dream of Grissom. She hadn't dreamed of him for a couple of nights now, first she had been surprised about it, now it already felt normal and she didn't even notice it anymore. Maybe she could really manage to see him as a friend and to stop wanting more from him. It would be a long way but it would hopefully be worth it.

Even though she had promised herself to not think of him anymore she couldn't help but be thankful that he had told her to take some time off everyday. She didn't want to imagine where she would be now if he hadn't been there for her after the DUI. She probably would have continued drinking, she would have continued working double shift after double shift, she would have continued thinking that she wasn't able to solve her problems anyway. Grissom had saved her, even though she knew that he wouldn't have noticed that she was suffering if she wouldn't have been pulled over for the DUI. He had saved her nevertheless. Even though it had been _his_ behavior which had hurt her so much that she had felt as if drinking would be her only option to deal with her pain, it had been her - stupid - decision to start drinking. He wasn't to blame for that. It had been her decision, her fault. She knew that now.

"Hey Sara." Nick ripped her out of her thoughts.

"Hey." She looked up for a second and then pretended to be occupied with the evidence.

"I'm not criticizing you but an hour ago you told me that you'd lift the prints and as far as I can see," He glanced over the table. "You did not really get a lot of it done yet."

Sara bit down on her bottom lip and shrugged. "I got distracted."

Nick raised an eyebrow and then sighed playfully. "You know Sar, when you need help with lifting the prints you could simply ask me."

"I don't need help, it's not that much."

"No I meant that you maybe need help refreshing your skills a little." He grinned.

Sara shot an annoyed look at him. Then she carefully lifted a print from the evidence, while he observed her proceeding. She grinned and turned to him when she had perfectly managed to lift it. "No need to refresh anything."

Nick smirked but then became serious again. "Why didn't you tell us that you had planned to take some time off?"

"Because I hadn't planned it." She shrugged, then lifted another print. "It was a very spontaneous decision."

"Really. Why?"

So Grissom didn't tell them. She would have to thank him for that at some point. She had expected that everybody would know what had happened when she'd return, not that she didn't trust Grissom but in fact she hadn't asked him to keep it a secret. She should at least let her friends know half of the truth though. She didn't like lying to them but she wasn't proud of what had happened and she didn't want everyone to know about it. "Grissom talked me into it."

"Grissom managed to convince _you_ to take some time off?" Nick asked unbelieving. "Gosh, you still have a crush on him, don't you?"

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TBC

some feedback would be nice ;)


	16. No Humans Involved

Disclaimer: I still don't own CSI. I'd love to though ;)

AN: This chapter includes a lot about Sara's past. So I hope I did a good job on it. It's about her feelings during **No Humans Involved.**

Many many many thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading.

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chapter 16

In the last weeks she had managed to find her way back to her professionalism, she had managed to not get too touched by her cases and to not get too involved into the tragedies behind them. And she had managed to build up her life again; she had managed to build it up around herself and not around Grissom. They were talking from time to time, in that very 'Grissom-ish' way to communicate, but still, they were at least communicating. He had told her that he was concerned and she appreciated this, it hadn't sent her into another 'Oh my God he cares for me' ecstasy though. She knew how to deal with stuff like that now.

Or at least she had thought that she could deal with everything now. Tonight's case had knocked her off the track. She had been reminded of her own painful childhood when she had been talking with the oldest of the foster children, trying to find out what had happened to the dead boy. The girl had been reading in a science books and Sara had hoped that she could build up mutual trust between her and the girl because they had something in common. But in the end Sara had to realize that it wasn't the interest in science what they had in common but the fact that both their lives had been or still were in the hands of lawyers, social workers and judges.

She hadn't thought about her past for a while. She had finished her sessions with the P.E.A.P. Counselor months ago and had thought that this theme was finally ticked off for her, tonight she had to realize that it wasn't.

At least, she had tried to tell herself, at least the two other boys would be alright soon, they would have to deal with the nightmare that they had been put through for the rest of their lives though. Some people always say that you would forget most of your memories with time, and that you wouldn't remember what happened when you were little. But she knew that this wasn't true. She could still remember everything, at least most of it.

She could still remember how her father had been terrorizing her mother, how he had been hitting and abusing her, how he had used her as his punching bag. She could still remember how her father had almost killed her brother once when he had smashed a chair on him. She could still remember how her father had grabbed her once while she had been playing with her soft toys; he had grabbed her so hard by her arm that he had dislocated her shoulder when he had pulled her up, he had slung her against the wall and she had been bleeding from her nose and her mouth, there had been blood everywhere on the white wallpaper.

Shortly after that, Sara still remembered, her father's attacks had started to get even more brutal. He drank more and more alcohol everyday and the more he drank the more aggressive he became. Other people went to church on Sunday mornings; they went to the hospital on Saturday nights.

Sara remembered every single night, every single slap, every single punch, every single tear and every single scream. One night the screams had suddenly stopped. She had been lying awake in her bed, hiding her face under her pillow. She had been able to hear the screams nevertheless and she had been more shocked about the fact that they had stopped than about the fact that they had been there. She had left her room and had been walking downstairs to her parents' bedroom. She had found her mother leaning over her father's lifeless body. There had been blood everywhere, on the walls, the bed, the ground, her mother's clothes; everywhere. She had screamed, loud, not a word, simply a scream, a vowel, nothing meaningful, she had just screamed. She had been standing in the doorway and screamed, until the paramedics had arrived. Later a woman had arrived and had taken her into foster care. Her mother had been sent to prison for the night and later to psychiatry. She had spent a year in foster care before she had been allowed to go back to her mother.

She did not remember how she had found the strength to go through all this though. She'd been hiding herself into a dream world sometimes, a world in which people loved her and thought that she was pretty. She'd been a princess and a glorious knight would come and save her from all the bad and he would marry her and make her a queen. When she was older she had started to study a lot for school, because she had come to the conclusion that she could only escape from her horrible life if she would find a great job where she could earn a lot of money. She thought that if she would have to stay at Tomales Bay she would end up just like her mother. So she had been studying hard, she had studied every day, for hours and hours. And she had achieved a lot. While her mother had stayed at Tomales Bay, drowning in self-pity, she had gone to Harvard and later studied at Berkeley.

She had achieved a better life but she would never forget her childhood. She would never forget the pain and these two boys wouldn't either.

She could see the guys in the break room, she missed working with them. Since the team split they barely saw each other. It wasn't the same to work with Sofia or with Greg… she missed working with Nick and Warrick, she missed hanging out with them during their breaks and after shift. She usually spent her breaks alone now. She didn't like Sofia so she avoided being near her and Greg; Greg had the bad habit of talking too much.

She sighed and looked over to Grissom's office. Sofia sat on his table and they were talking about a book or something. She felt her chest tighten, Grissom and Sofia got along so well with each other, she couldn't deny that she was jealous. And it hurt that Grissom seemed to like spending time with her. _Every person has a jealousy gene_. She had always tried to suppress hers, but when it came to Grissom… well with Grissom everything was special. Still.

She knew that she probably shouldn't dive too deep into her memories and her past, but she couldn't help it, not tonight. In all the years she had never read the files about her mother's case. Tonight she wanted to know it, wanted to find out all about it. So she began to type…

_THE PEOPLE VS. LAURA SIDLE W/2,MODESTO, CALIFORNIA, 1984._

_

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_

TBC

Please leave me some feedback if you liked this chapter


	17. Snakes

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or any of the dialogue I quoted from the show.

AN: First I did not want to post this chapter, but the fic would be imcomplete without _Snakes_ so I decided to post it even though I am not fully content.

Thousand thanks to **Rhee** for being such a great beta reader.

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chapter 17

She didn't feel well when she entered his office. Since the team had been broken up she had been worried that her comment to Ecklie might have triggered the break up. She had hesitated whether or not she should talk with Grissom about it, the thought that it might have been her fault wasn't leaving her alone.

"Hi." She gave him a soft, insecure smile. Her heart was beating up to her throat.

Grissom looked up and took his glasses off. She knew now there was no way to back out of this anymore. She asked him if he'd have a minute for her, not knowing if he maybe hadn't been occupied with something important.

"Sure." He answered.

"We really haven't had a chance to talk since the staff changes." She started and sat down. "I, …I wanted to let you know that I said some things to Ecklie that might have done the team a disservice." She confessed, feeling really uncomfortable. Would Grissom be mad at her now?

But then he told her that Ecklie had wanted to break up the team, he would have done it anyway. Nothing she might have said would have had an effect on his decision.

"He asked me if you and I had had our post-P.E.A.P. counseling session." Her comment had hinted to Ecklie that Grissom might be too overindulging. She really had a guilty conscience.

"Regardless, you should never have to cover for your boss." He told her and apologized.

She would always cover for him. She'd do everything. And he wasn't just a boss to her, he was not even just a friend to her, she just wished that he would know. That he would know how much she admired him, not only personally, also professionally. But she could never tell him, could she? Wouldn't it make her even more vulnerable? Wouldn't it make it possible for him to hurt her on more than just one level, even if he did it subconsciously?

"You've always been a little more than a boss to me." She didn't realize the meaning of her words before it was already too late to take them back. She gave him a small smile, not able to read from his expression. "Why do you think I moved to Vegas?" She added, asking herself if she was insane to play with her cards lying opened on the table from now on. For a second she paused, wondering if he would reply. But then she decided to mitigate her comment. "Look, I know our relationship has been complicated. It's probably my fault. It's probably definitely my fault." She should have thought about what to say before starting to over-talk once again. Instead of easing the meaning of her words she strengthened it. She had tried to tell him that she knew that everything between them was complicated by this one night that they had spent together in San Francisco and had wanted to add that it might be because she hadn't always been able to accept that he would never want more than a friendship with her. But she knew that he got it wrong, it had been too ambiguous.

Gladly Grissom felt as uncomfortable now as she did and did what he could do the best, he changed the topic. "You… completed your counseling, right?"

"Yeah. Yes." She nodded. Months ago. Grissom really was a bit careless when it came to paperwork. But she didn't blame him for it. Sure it would have been his job to ask her if she completed her counseling earlier, but that was just the way he was. He was a scientist and not someone who was very much into office politics and paperwork.

"And?" He asked.

"Let's just say that ..." She didn't really know what to say without making this more exposing and uncomfortable. "…I sometimes ... I look for validation in inappropriate places." She could as well have told him that she had been doing everything she could to make him notice her, that she had been working harder than all the others and more than all the others so that he would notice that she loved her job as much as he loved it. She could as well have told him that she loved him and had tried to fill in the blank in her heart with the validation he gave her for her work because he would never validate her as a woman.

They remained in silence for a short moment. She didn't know what else to say, her mind was racing, searching for the best way to get out of this.

"Look ... let's, uhm ..." He started but didn't continue. He was just as clueless about this as she was.

She didn't want to think about what he might have tried to tell her but nevertheless the options ran through her mind. He might have tried to ask her out to dinner, might have tried to tell her that they should try but he might as well have tried to tell her that they should move on and stop clinging to the memories of this one night.

"It's okay, okay." She broke the silence. "You know what, we did our session. Don't forget to document this for Ecklie." If she could pretend that this had only been a professional conversation that it would feel less exposing. She gave him a smile, hoping that he would leave it at that.

"Right." He seemed to be a bit upset about the fact that she had switched the conversation back into a professional mode.

"Thanks." She stood up and left, her heart beating fast while she made her way through the hallway. Where would they go from here? Had she just ended it? Or had she just ended chasing him? She didn't know.

She was so confused for a moment, but then she managed to gather herself again. She had simply shown him that he had always meant a lot to her and had confessed that the job had not been her reason to move to Las Vegas. Her comment about tending to search for validation in inappropriate placed had been very ambiguous, it didn't necessarily have to mean something to him. She shouldn't worry, he wouldn't see this conversation as an ultimate ending of their non-existent relationship.

At least he had been able to convince her that her comment to Ecklie had not been the one thing that had lead to the team split; at least she didn't feel guilty anymore, now she just had to find a way to get rid of the insecurity she felt.

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TBC

I'd really like to know what you thought about this because I really had problems with writing this chapter, so feel free to tell me.


	18. Nesting Dolls

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: okay, I was looking forward to write this chapter and the next one ever since I started this fic, so I hope you'll like it.

thousand thanks to **Rhee** for being such a great beta reader!

_(the next chapters will be: Committed, Grave Danger, Bodies in Motion, Gum Drops, A Bullet Runs Through It 2, Daddy's Little Girl, Kiss-Kiss Bye-Bye, Pirates of the Third Reich, I Like to Watch, Rashomama, Time ofYour Death and Way to Go) - edited because kiss-kiss bang-bang is a movie and not a CSI ep :lol:_

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chapter 18

At some point the tears stopped running over her cheeks, but she was still sobbing, shaking like a leaf while he held her hand, being her last blade of grass. He ran his thumb over her fingers and squeezed her hand from time to time, telling her that it was okay to cry, that it was okay to let it all out.

Eventually she stopped sobbing. She looked up and stared at points in the room which did not exist. At some point she left her seat and looked over to him. The expression in his eyes let another wave of tears rise up in her eyes. He knew how she felt; he could feel her pain and his eyes told her that it also hurt him, that her past hurt him.

She took a deep breath and tried to suppress the tears. "Can I get you anything now?" She asked with weak voice.

"Tell me what you want and I'll get it for you." He told her softly, squeezing her hand again, caressing her with his thumb.

She shook her head. "No it's okay… I need to calm down." She replied not able to look at him anymore, the worried, concerned expression in his eyes broke her heart. She let go off his hand and wanted to leave.

But Grissom wouldn't let her leave. He stood up and placed his hands on her upper arms. "Sara let me do that for you." His voice sounded so caring, so caring that she couldn't hold back her tears anymore.

She started crying and her whole body started to shake again. She tried to meet his gaze but when their eyes met she couldn't stand it. She covered her eyes with her hand, not trying to suppress her despair anymore.

Grissom carefully pulled her close to him, slowly slipping his arms around her upper body.

Overwhelmed by this sudden closeness to him she gasped softly when she felt his hand on the back of her head. His fingers buried themselves into her hair while she let her head drop against his.

While his one hand was occupied with holding her head close against the side of his, his other hand caressed her back with long diagonal strokes from her right shoulder down to her left hip and back to her shoulder again. "It's okay Sara. Let it all out." He whispered softly into her ear.

His words made her sob harder, she couldn't support her weight alone any longer so she leaned into his embrace and twined her one arm around his neck while she was still covering her face with her other hand.

He tightened his embrace around her. "It's okay, Honey."

After a long time she calmed down, slowly the sobs got weaker. She let her hand slip off her face and down to his shoulder, holding herself close to him. She tried to regain control over herself but at first it did not really work.

When he realized that she had stopped crying he slowly pulled away from her, not loosening his grip around her body though. The hand, which had been holding her head, now slipped to her face, he wiped away her tears with his thumb and then let it rest on her right cheek.

"Thank you." She whispered almost inaudible but she knew that he understood her.

The expression in his eyes told her how shocked and touched he was, how worried and concerned. And it showed her how much he cared for her, how much he felt for her. This one expression told her all the things that she had been needing to hear in the last year. And it eased her pain that he was there, there for _her_, that he was holding her without backing out of it, that he was comforting her as well as he could.

He sighed and softly brushed his thumb over her lips. "I wish I would have known before, I should have been there for you."

She sobbed once again but managed to bear down the need to cry. "Somehow I… I always wanted to tell you because… because I just wanted you to know." She managed to tell him after a while. "But on the other hand I did not want you to know." He nodded and she knew that he understood and the dilemma she had been in.

She just couldn't hold herself up on her feet any more, slowly she let herself sink down on the sofa, he steadied her while she did so. He kneeled down where she was sitting and let his hands slip over her arms to her wrists. "I'll make you some tea." He told her softly.

She did not tell him that she didn't want any tea. The fact that he wanted to take care of her and comfort her so much; she didn't want him to think that she did not appreciate it.

He squeezed her hands and then stood up. "Any preferences?" He tilted his head. "Mint, fennel, chamomile, valerian?"

He was so cute; she had never expected him to be like this. This was a different side of him, a caring Grissom. "I only have fennel and valerian."

"Valerian might be the better choice, it will calm you down and help you to get some rest." He slowly let go of her hands and made his way to the kitchen.

While she heard him rummaging her kitchen cabinets for the tea she leaned back on the sofa and closed her eyes for a while. Even though the last hour had brought back all the memories of her painful past, it had relieved her that she had finally been able to tell him about it. And crying had also felt relieving.

When he returned he handed her a cup and let himself drop down next to her on the sofa. He slipped his arm around her back while she was taking a couple of sips of the tea. She enjoyed the warm feeling that his hand created on her back. She sighed softly and turned to face him.

He gave her a comforting smile. "Feeling better already?"

She took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah. Thank you." She put the cup down on the table. "I've never told anyone about my family." She confessed. "Except for my P.E.A.P. Counselor."

He bit down on his lip, not knowing how to reply. She didn't need him to reply, she didn't need him to say anything at all, his presence was all she needed. She hoped that he would understand how much it meant to her that he knew about her past now. "I always thought that people would see me differently when they'd find out about it. So I never mentioned it."

"Sometimes we fear to let others in on our darkest secrets." He told her softly.

"Because we fear that they'd not be able to accept us anymore and when they'd pull away from us then it would hurt, it would hurt more than anything else ever could." She added. He nodded in agreement.

They remained in silence for a while. But then she remembered the reason why he was here. "I… I will stop by at the lab and clear my locker tomorrow." She told him with a sad tone in her voice.

"You're not fired."

Surprised she turned to him again. "But I thought Ecklie sent you here to fire me."

He shook his head. "Ecklie told me to fire you, but I came here because I wanted to be there for you."  
Her heart was beating up to her throat by now. He came here because he had wanted to be there for her!

"You're not fired. I won't fire you and if Ecklie wants you to be fired then he needs to fire me first." He pulled her close to him so that her shoulder was leaning against his chest.

He was risking it all, he was putting his job, his career on the line, he was risking everything he had ever worked for, because of her, _for_ her.

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TBC

some feedback would be nice ;)


	19. Committed

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Finally the post _Committed_ chap, I was looking forward to write it for so long :) I hope it was worth it.

Thousand thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading!

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chapter 19 

She couldn't sleep, as much as she tried to finally get some rest, it didn't work. Whenever she closed her eyes she could see that look in Adam's eyes again and it sent ice cold showers down her spine. It wasn't that she was still scared, it was more… no she really couldn't make out what it was exactly, it was creeping her out.

Suddenly there was a sound, a knocking sound, someone was knocking on her door. She swallowed hard, who was that? Who would knock on her door at this time? Maybe one of the guys? She really wasn't in the mood to see them now, she didn't want to have to explain anything to anyone, she didn't want to have to tell them that she was okay over and over again, she didn't want to hear their questions about how she felt.

The person knocked again. She slowly sat up and turned on the light on her bedside table.

"Sara? Sara, are you there?" She could hear him calling. _Grissom, what is Grissom doing here? _She left her bed and made her way to the door.

She opened the door and she was startled about how he looked. His clothes were crumpled, his hair was a mess, there were dark circles around his eyes and they were bloodshot. She swallowed hard and stared at him, stared at him for a long moment before she remembered to ask him in.

He entered hesitantly and let his eyes wander over her body, it made her shiver and she wondered why he was staring at her like that. He seemed to be a little confused; at least he wasn't as calm as she was used to.

After a moment he found his words back. "Are you okay?" He sounded worried and Sara sensed why he was here.

She nodded. "I'm still a little unsettled, but I'll be fine." She gave him a soft smile. But he didn't smile back and this worried her. "What about you? Are you okay?" He slightly shook his head. She swallowed hard and reached out for his cheek. "What's wrong?" She softly ran her thumb over his cheekbone.

"I almost lost you, that's what's wrong." The words rushed out of him. And he looked even more sad and upset now. He started shaking and fought with himself for the last bit of self-control that he had left.  
Slowly she stepped closer to him until her body almost touched his. She slipped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him into her embrace. A sigh escaped from his mouth when he leaned himself against her.

Suddenly he twined his arms around her waist and pressed her close to him, holding on to her tightly. He was shaking violently by now and he was almost unable to hold himself up on his feet. "I… I… Sara, I…" He stammered, not able to form a complete sentence, let alone make sense of it.

"Shhh, everything is okay." She whispered softly, running her hands over his shoulders and then to the back of his head; she tried to calm him down but didn't succeed.

"Nothing, nothing is okay." He tightened his grasp around her body, holding on to her as if he was endlessly scared that someone would take her away from him. "Nothing is okay Sara." He leaned his head against hers, his lips brushing over her earlobe, his breath resounding in her ears. "I thought he was going to kill you." He told her with shaking voice and suddenly a sob escaped him.

Sara carefully pulled away from him and framed his face with her hands. She made him look at her and gave him a soft smile. "I am okay, everything is fine." She told him softly.

He sucked in a deep breath but he was shaking so hard that the deep breath turned into a couple of small gasps. Then he loosened his embrace around her and slipped his hands up her sides to her shoulders and from there over her arms to her hands. He covered her small soft hands with his big and cold ones and closed his eyes. He held her hands in place while he tried to calm himself down.

She began to freeze and couldn't suppress the little shivers that ran through her. Grissom slowly let go of her hands, took off his jacket and wrapped it around her body. She couldn't help but smirk about the cute gesture. He softly smiled at her and pulled her into a warm embrace. She snuggled against his chest while he buried his face into her hair. She could feel how he deeply inhaled the scent of her shampoo and a soft smile built up on her lips.

After a long time Grissom broke the silence. "When I saw you down there on the ground, held down by that psychopath with the ceramic thing pressed against your throat. I… I thought he would, you know, I thought that in the next second he…he would cut your throat. I was so scared I could barely move… I thought I'd loose you… and you, you were so… I…" He started shaking again.

She knew what he was trying to tell her, she gently rubbed her hands over his upper arms. "But you didn't loose me. I'm here. I'll always be here." She whispered into his ear, then pulled away and gave him a warm smile.

He sighed softly, slowly calming down. He returned her smile and ran his hand through her hair. "Sara I… I was such an idiot all the time." He confessed. "I thought I would have all the time in the world to explain to you why I have been such an asshole for all these years. I thought I would have enough time left to think about the right words to say. But tonight I realized that," He took a deep breath. "Tonight I realized that I wasted too much time already and… and I realized that I will never find the right words, words that would make all this up to you. All I can do is apologize and ask you to forgive me and hope that you… and hope that you still…that you are still able and willing to forgive me."

She really didn't know what to think. She had been waiting for this to happen for so long, but now she really didn't know what to do. The possibility of loosing her had opened his eyes, but what if he would regret all this tomorrow? As much as she had wanted this to happen, she couldn't risk getting hurt again.

He must have noticed that she was having doubts. He had reached under her chin and had turned her face to him. "Sara, I mean it. I'm sorry for everything I did to you…" His hand was shaking. "Sara…"

"Griss I… " She spluttered. "I… I'm… not sure… I… you…" She pulled away from him and walked over to her sofa. She took a seat and sighed. "You'll regret this tomorrow."

"No Sara I won't." He was appalled and walked over to her. "Sara, I won't regret this."

She looked up to him, not knowing what to feel. She wanted to believe him so much but their past had burned her. He tended to regret those actions which had been triggered by sudden impulses; she couldn't let her heart get broken again, as much as she wanted to believe him. At the moment she didn't know if she could. Not today, not after what had happened to her today.

"Sara I…" He whispered softly. "Sara I swear that I am not going to regret this." He sat down next to her and took her hand into his. "Sara, I love you."

She shook her head. "Don't say that." She pleaded. She didn't want to hear this now. Not now. "Please don't say that."

* * *

TBC

please tell me what you thought about this chapter :)


	20. Grave Danger

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: okay, I think this is one of my favorite chapters... it's getting a bit fluffy here maybe, but after 20 chapters it needed to get a bit fluffy, didn't it?

Many many thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading, you are the best.

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Chapter 20 

As she had watched the ambulance driving away she had barely managed to suppress her tears. She wasn't a religious person but in that moment she had prayed to God that Nick would make it. Greg, Brass and Ecklie had left a couple of minutes later and that had left her and Grissom alone at the nursery. He had turned to her and she had been able to see how stressed out he had been. Then she had cried. Silently the tears had been running down her cheeks and she had made no effort to wipe them away. Grissom had stared at her but she had tried to ignore it. In the last weeks since she had been attacked they had both behaved as if nothing had ever happened, she had known that tonight neither of them would be able to do so.

"I'll take you home." He had whispered softly and had reached out for her hand. She hadn't objected. She had taken his hand and let him lead her to his car. And when he had told her that he would escort her to the entrance of her apartment she hadn't objected either. Neither had she objected when he had slipped his arms around her and had pulled her close to him, when he had kissed her and touched her, when he had entered her apartment with her, when he had slipped his hands under her shirt, when he had taken off her clothes, when he had laid her down on her bed and when he had made love to her.

This time she had believed him when he had told her that he loved her. Not that anything had changed in the last weeks, she had just not been able to resist any longer.

He was asleep, lying on his back, naked, in her bed. She was lying on her side, her head resting on his shoulder, her one arm lying under his head, her other arm lying on his chest. Absent-mindedly she traced a circle around his nipple with her thumb, over and over again. She didn't know if she had done the right thing, but so far it felt pretty damn right. She had waited too long for this to regret it now.

She inhaled the mixture of his scent and his sweat and the scent of their lovemaking. She snuggled closer against him and brushed her lips over his skin. She closed her eyes and recalled the happenings of the last hours. She recalled the way he had looked at her, asking her for permission; she recalled how he had been running his hands over her skin and how amazing it had felt; she recalled how he had finally released all those feelings which had been cumulating themselves inside of her; she recalled how he had kissed her fist gently, then passionately and then demanding, praying her to allow him in, not only into her apartment but into her life, because he was ready, finally ready.

She smiled softly, then let her tongue slip out between her lips and licked over his salty skin. Suddenly she felt him chuckle under her and she smirked. "How long have you been awake?" She asked him softly.

"A while." He replied with a smile on his lips. He turned onto his side and ran his hand over her arm and then let it slip down to her hip. He softly kissed her on the tip of her nose and caused her to giggle. He made her feel like the twenty-three year old girl again.

"Are you also going to regret this?" She asked after a moment, knowing that no matter what his answer would be, she would believe him. If he would answer with a 'yes' then it would break her heart but she would have to learn to deal with it, if he would answer with a 'no' then she would believe him and never question anything that would ever happen between them again. Never before had they been as honest with each other as in this night, she would believe and trust into this honesty.

"I never regretted the first time either." He told her while he brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear.

She sighed softly and traced the contour of his chin with her lips. "So you're not going to back out of this?"

"I'm not going to back out of this." He promised.

"Good." She whispered. "Because I am really not in the mood to get my heart broken again."

"Shouldn't you have asked me these questions before we ended up in bed then?" He asked and chuckled.

She grinned. "Yes, but I was too occupied with something else."

They remained in silence for a while and she had already thought that he had fallen asleep, but then he spoke up again. "Why didn't you believe me when I told you that I love you?"

She huddled closer against him and nestled her face into the spot between the pillow, his face and his arm. Then she began to nibble on his earlobe, causing him to smile.

He ran his hand over her shoulder and upper arm, gently caressing her. She knew that he was still waiting for an answer and she knew that he deserved one, just like she had deserved answers to her questions.

Still waiting for her answer a couple of minutes later he softly nudged her upper arm and rolled her on her back. "Why?" He whispered.

"You had just realized what you had when you were about to loose it. You've had me for years but never cared a damn until you almost lost me. I thought this realization would not last for a long period of time, because usually that's what always happens when it comes to you and me." He was leaning over her by now and she let her hand travel over his chest. "I just tried to protect myself from another broken heart."

"I never realized what an asshole I could be until I realized what I have done to you in all these years." He slipped his hand over her stomach. "I asked you to forgive me… do you think that…"

"You wouldn't be here tonight if I hadn't already forgiven you." She interrupted him with a light smile on her lips.

He sighed and kissed her on her forehead while he brushed the backs of his fingers over her arm. "It really wouldn't have worked back then Sara. I know that you thought that you could have been happy but believe me, it wouldn't have been that way. I had to change and you had to change, otherwise we never would have had a real chance."

"Maybe." She replied after a moment. "But we'll never find out. Maybe it's better when we live in the future."

"You know that we will have to find a way to keep this a secret do you, because …"

She silenced him with her lips. When she pulled away again she smiled softly. "When I said future I meant everything from tomorrow morning on. We will worry about all that tomorrow. The future is not running away from us." She stiffled a yawn. "I'm tired." She sighed.

He nodded in agreement and slipped his arm around her, tightening his grasp when she snuggled up against his chest with her back. "Sleep well." He whispered into her ear.

She smiled to herself. "You too." She replied softly, allowing her eyes to slide closed, drifting off into a deep sleep.

* * *

TBC

please leave me a comment :)


	21. Bodies in Motion

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Thousand thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading! You're the best!

Okay, so the start of season 6 :) It's kind of fluffy, maybe... a bit... I don't know :lol: I hope you like it :)

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Chapter 21

Sara and Greg entered the Pepper Mill and spotted Nick and Warrick at a table in the corner of the restaurant. They made their way over to them and Sara hugged Warrick "Once again, congratulations." She told him grinning and he grinned back at her.

Then she took a seat and glanced around. "So, where's the Bugman?"

"Joining us later." Nick told her and took a sip of his drink.

Sara nodded and grabbed the menu. "Hell I'm hungry."

Greg chuckled. "You are always hungry."

She shot an angry look at Greg and suppressed making a comment about his decomp-soup experience.

Then she spotted Grissom who was heading for their table. She smiled softly at him and he returned her smile. She felt the butterflies in her stomach wake up and chuckled inwardly, she had never really experienced this phase of a relationship before. They barely managed to keep their hands off each other when they were alone; working together was a challenge every day. She was pretty sure that this was special for him too, he had never told her how many serious relationships he had been in before her, but from the way he behaved she figured that this might be the first one. In the last weeks she had experienced a completely different Grissom, a caring, funny, happy Grissom, a Grissom in love. In love with _her_! Just thinking about it made her heart jump.

"Hey, finally." Nick told him signalizing for him to take a seat.

"Yeah, took longer than I thought it would. Sorry." Grissom told them and took a seat next to Sara.

"So since we're all here now we can finally order food." Warrick announced.

"How good for you Sara." Greg teased and earned an angry look from Grissom.

Sara privily nudged Grissom with her elbow, warning him that he should control himself better. Then she began to focus on the menu. From the corner of her eyes she watched how Grissom's hand disappeared under the table. A moment later she felt the warmth of his hand through the fabric of her clothing. She swallowed hard trying not to let on to anything. She could understand that it was difficult for Grissom to hold back, it was just as difficult for her, but he was walking on thin ice here. It would be very difficult to explain the presence of his hand on her thigh to the guys when they'd notice it.

While the guys chatted with each other Sara tried to focus on Grissom, not verbally though. She focused on the sound of his breathing and the feel of his hand on her body. She listened to his voice while he explained something to Greg; she paid no attention to the words.

Their dinner was served soon and Grissom's hand disappeared from her thigh. She immediately missed it but once again had to do her best to not let on.

"Greg why didn't you order anything?" Nick asked and threw an asking look at the youngest team member.

"Greg already had soup for lunch." Sara hadn't been able to swallow the words, neither could she suppress the slightly evil grin that built up on her lips. But Greg deserved to be teased after his prior comments.

"Sara, I swear if you tell them then..." Greg warned her.

"Tell us what?" Grissom raised an eyebrow and turned to her.

Sara chuckled. "Well when we were processing the trunk of the car it was Greg's job to pull back the drain plug and while he did so..."

"You're dead Sidle." Greg shook his head, not believing that she was really going to tell the others about this. Sara stuck her tongue out at Greg for a second. "So, while he pulled back the drain plug the whole decomp-soup splashed into his face. And since his mouth was open..."

Warrick and Nick grimaced while Grissom chuckled. Greg threw an angry look at Sara, but soon it surfaced that he was only playfully angry.

"Technically that makes you a cannibal." Grissom told him and Greg rolled his eyes.

"Sara told me the same thing." He replied and sighed. "Well I guess everybody understands why I am not hungry."

Everybody grinned while Greg watched them eat. Sara couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for him now.

After some time Warrick's cell rang and he excused himself. Nick used the opportunity to go to the bathroom and Greg followed him. That left Sara and Grissom alone at the table, alone for the first time in hours.

Grissom sighed and let his hand drop down on her thigh again. "Today was a long day."

"Way too long." Sara agreed. "I want my bed."

"Tired?" He asked her with a caring tone in his voice.

She smirked and shook her head. "No."

He smirked as well and softly squeezed her thigh. "We should try to get away from here soon."

"Definitely." She softly leaned her shoulder against him. She longed to feel him close to her.

"Sofia was hitting on me today." Grissom told her after a moment.

She pulled away and stared at him. "What?"

"Sofia was hitting on me." He repeated.

"I managed to understand you quite well." She could feel how her blood started to boil. "And _I _was nice to her today!"

Grissom chuckled softly.

"That's not funny." She really got mad now. "What did she say?"

"Honey, as if you would have to worry." He tried to calm her down.

"What did she say?" She asked more forcefully.

"I asked her if she'd miss the lab and she replied that there would be some things she'd miss. The way she said it and the way she looked at me."

"Such a…" Sara bared down the cuss. She took a deep breath to calm herself down. She usually wasn't a jealous person, but when it came to Sofia thing's were different. "Maybe you should have told her that you're off the market."

"You're off the market?" Warrick had returned without neither of them noticing it.

Sara winced. _Damn._ What were they supposed to do now? What did Warrick hear? And what did he see?

Grissom swallowed hard. "Yes."

"Wow, when will we meet her?" Warrick asked and sat down.

Sara felt the weight dropping off her shoulders, gladly Warrick did not suspect anything.

Nick and Greg returned and sensed that a question was hanging in the air. "What's up?" Nick asked while he took a seat.

"Grissom has a girlfriend." Warrick told them, his surprise still reflected in his voice.

"You have a girlfriend?" Nick asked unbelieving.

"Guys you're behaving as if this would be the news of the year. What is so unbelievable about me having a girlfriend?"

"Nothing," Warrick shrugged. "You just never mentioned it." He took a sip of his drink. "Why did Sara know and we didn't?"

Grissom glanced at Sara for a moment. "She introduced us to each other." He lied trying to be very nonchalant. With that said the theme was ticked off, gladly.

Suddenly Greg fell silent. He glanced around the table and sighed. "Guys, can you believe this? Warrick got married, Sara became a tease," that earned him an angry look from her. "Sorry but I did not forgive you yet." He winked at her, then continued, looking on Grissom's plate. "Grissom became a vegetarian, and I became a cannibal." He seemed to have reached the 'being able to make jokes about it' phase. "Isn't it funny how what happened to Nicky changed our lives?"

Half an hour later they called it a night. Grissom and Sara waited until the others had left before they both entered his car.

"Damn, you know that was a pretty close call." She broke the silence between them after a while.

"What?"

"With Warrick, I mean the whole 'off the market' thing. I though he probably…"

"I don't think he suspected anything." He calmed her down.

She nodded, then leaned back and closed her eyes. "You know, Greg was right. It's funny how we all changed."

"I thought you'd find it appealing that I stopped eating meat for you and not funny."

She chuckled. "That's not what I meant, I meant in general. I did not become a tease." She stopped for a second and looked at Grissom, knowing what he was about to say. "Swallow it Babe or you're not even going to get a goodnight kiss."

He chuckled. "You know what I would have said if I would have been Greg?"

She arched an eyebrow.

"Warrick got married, Sara got laid by her supervisor and..."

"_You_ are the tease." She interrupted him, throwing a played angry look at him.

A boyish grin built up on his lips but then he became serious again. "We really changed."

Sara smiled softly at him and ran her hand over his thigh. "Yeah." She agreed softly. "But that's good."

Grissom nodded and smiled softly at Sara, letting his hand meet hers for a short moment, squeezed it softly and stated, "Yeah it's good."

* * *

TBC

some feedback would be nice :)


	22. Gum Drops

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Thousand thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading, thank you so much!

This is a post Gum Drops chapter :) sadly the ep didn't air how it was planned, but maybe it was a bit like this after Sara returned ;) who knows...

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Chapter 22

This had been a tough case, she definitely was glad to be back in Vegas again. At least the girl would make it, she had told herself, but still, what a senseless tragedy had this been? She couldn't imagine how people could do this to each other.

The case had really been hard on Nick, he had been so stressed out, Sara really had been worried. He hadn't even taken a break to get some rest or to sleep.

Sara hadn't been able to sleep either, but for other reasons. Since the crime had been committed in a small town almost three hours away from Vegas they hadn't been able to drive back to the city to sleep. So they had spent their break in a motel. Grissom had stayed in Vegas because he was teaching a seminar and Sara was not used to sleeping without him. She couldn't believe how used she had gotten to falling asleep in his arms. In the last months they hadn't spent one night apart from each other, not one single night. They had spent so many years apart and all alone, always - even if it had only been subconsciously - missing the other one, so that now - once they had made the experience of waking up in each other's arms - they really didn't want to do without it anymore.

She had spent the six hours -which Nick had allowed them all as a break to recover -lying in the motel bed, trying to sleep. But she had been missing the warm body that was usually lying next to her, the warm chest that she usually snuggled up to, the arm that embraced her, the hand that caressed her and his slow and steady breathing which had become a comforting lullaby to her. She had thought about calling him but she had been afraid that she might wake him up.

Slowly she unlocked the door and entered his house. She let her bag drop down onto the armchair next to the sofa, her jacket followed. She sighed and slipped out of her shoes and took off her socks. She loved walking barefoot, even over the cold flagstones in his living room. He always told her she'd catch the flu but she ignored it. She opened her bag and rummaged through it for her sleeping clothes. Eventually she found them and pulled her shirt over her head to replace it with a clean spaghetti strap top. Then she slid out of her jeans and slipped into a pair of cotton sport pants.

She walked down the hall to the bedroom and quietly entered. The familiar feeling of the pillowy carpet under the soles of her feet made her smile.

Grissom was sleeping, his breathing was not as slow and steady as it usually was though. She slowly sat down on the mattress and reached out for his shoulder. She softly ran her hand over it, not wanting to wake him up but the need to touch him was just too unbearable. Then she slipped under the blanket and snuggled up to his chest.

He sighed and wrapped his arm around her, nestling his face against her neck.

"Hey." She whispered softly.

"Hey." He replied hoarsely.

Finally being close to him again felt so good. She had missed him even more than she thought she had.

He began kissing her neck, mumbling something indefinable. She buried her fingers into his hair and moaned softly.

He chuckled and then turned her onto her back so that he could lean over her. "I missed you." He told her softly and let his lips meet hers.

"I missed you too." She let her hand run over his chest, loving the fact that he slept shirtless.

A passionate kiss followed as he slipped his hands under her shirt. She moaned into his mouth when he started to caress the soft skin with his fingers. Then he broke the kiss and brought his one hand up to her face. He brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear and she could see him smile in the semi-darkness of the room.

"How was the seminar?" She asked and stifled a yawn.

"It was good." He rolled onto his back and dragged her with him so that she was now lying on her side again.

She rested her head on his chest and slipped her arm around his torso.

"How was the case?" He asked while he brushed his hand through her hair.

"Depressing." She sighed. "I felt so sorry for the little girl. Getting abducted after your whole family was killed. No one deserves to have to go through something like this."

He ran his fingertips over her spine which let little showers of sensations run through her. She snuggled closer against him. "Nick didn't take it very well… he was _really_ stressed out."

"I think even though he hides it, he didn't manage to get over his abduction yet." Grissom sighed. "Did he ever talk about it with you?"

She slightly shook her head. "No, he alwayschanges the subject as soon as it comes to this theme."

"That's not good." He fell silent for a while. "Maybe I should try to talk with him."

"Well, talking with you always helped me." She told him smirking, remembering how thankful she had been for all the comfort he had spent her after her suspension.

He chuckled softly. "But that is different I guess, I'm afraid I will not be able to comfort him by pulling him into my arms when he starts crying."

She softly brushed her lips over his chest. "You were really good at that."

"I have a lot of hidden qualities." He let his hand slip over her shoulder and then over her arm to her hand, entwining his fingers with hers.

"Yes, you do." She whispered softly.

They remained in silence for a while, simply enjoying that they were together again. She cuddled up against him as close as she could and he embraced her with both his arms, holding her as if he planned to never let go of her again.

"Move in with me." He suddenly whispered.

She leaned up, unbelieving staring down at him. Had he just asked her to… move in with him? Had he really? Her mind and heart began to race.

He loosened his embrace around her and placed his one hand on her cheek. He let his thumb trace the contours of her lips and smiled at her. "Move in with me." He repeated this time with more confidence in his voice.

"You mean as in living here and having all my stuff here? And when I say all my stuff I mean _all _my stuff, not only this having each other's keys arrangement." She stammered unbelieving.

"You know, see it from a rational point of view. We spend all our time away from work together anyway, why should we pay for two places when we could share one. Plus we wouldn't have to own everything twice anymore, for example two toothbrushes or two bathrobes or whatever." Then he smirked. "And when you see it from a romantic point of view, and yes I mean _romantic_, as startling as it might sound to you, living together would just be…" His voice turned softer. "I just really want to share my life with you and the thought of having all your stuff here,... sharing my closet with you or having all that woman's stuff in the bathroom, that would make my life become part of yours and vice versa."

She was speechless, and moved to tears. He really meant this, he really wanted this. Not even in her dreams she had dared to imagine that he would ever want her to move in with him.

"So, what do you think?"

* * *

TBC

thank you for reading... leave me some feedback if you like :)


	23. A Bullet Runs Through It 2

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Many many thanks to **Rhee **for beta reading! This chapter is post 608... it was really difficult to write it because I was afraid that it might get too similar to my post 608 one shot fic... so I hope I did a good job :)

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Chapter 23

When she finally heard how he unlocked the door and entered the weight dropped off her shoulders. She had really been worried; she knew how stressed out he had been and how upset he was because he had to tell his best friend that it had been him who had killed Officer Bell.

She climbed out of the bed and headed for the hallway. When she had reached it she heard him in the kitchen so she continued walking and eventually saw him, or parts of him since he was rummaging the fridge and its door hid most of him.

She leaned against the kitchen counter, supporting her weight on her arms. She didn't say anything, only watched how he stared into the fridge. At some point he finally closed it and noticed her. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up." He said hoarsely.

"You didn't." She gave him a soft smile.

He sighed and opened a bottle of water, throwing the cap on the counter. She tried to meet his gaze but gave up after a moment, he was _really_ upset. She reached for the cap and started toying with it, not knowing what else to do. She knew that he didn't like it when she got too close to him when he was stressed out, so she wouldn't try to calm him down unless he'd ask her to.

He downed the water and then threw the bottle at the trash can, missing it by a couple of inches. Sara walked over to the trash can to pick up the bottle but he reached out for her arm and stopped her. "Don't."

She sighed softly, trying to free her arm but he didn't let go of her. "Griss…" She groaned softly.

Then their gazes met and she knew that this time he wasn't just upset. This time it was different. She tried to read from his expression what he needed now, did he need her to comfort him? Did he want to be alone? He wouldn't still be holding her arm if he'd want to be alone, would he? She took a deep breath and slowly placed her free hand on his cheek.

He closed his eyes and let out a breath. "I don't know what was worse, telling Jim that he shot officer Bell or telling a father that his son was shot because some bastard wanted to steal his bike."

She caressed his cheek with her thumb and he leaned his face into her touch until his lips met up with her wrist. "It was an accident and Jim knows that." She told him with soft voice. "He's not to blame."

"I know, but… he was… he was so sure that it had been Sofia who shot Bell, he really… I think he never thought about the possibility that it might have been him." He let go of her arm and turned away from her. "He was so shocked… and I was so helpless because I couldn't help my best friend out of this."

"There was nothing you could have done. I mean you couldn't cover it up, that… that wouldn't have done anyone a favor."

He sighed and leaned back against the counter. They remained in silence for a moment before he began to speak again. "She's pregnant, Bell's wife." He said, looking at her.

"I know." She replied softly and looked down to the ground, she knew she wouldn't be able to raise up a child alone, leave alone make it through a pregnancy without the man she loved by her side.

"I could never forgive myself if I would have destroyed a family like that." He whispered.

Sara swallowed hard, not knowing what to reply. She knew what he meant, she was sure that she wouldn't be able to look at herself in the mirror again if she would ever take a life.

He gently pulled her into his arms and leaned his head against hers while his hands slipped over her back. "Children shouldn't have to grow up without their…" He paused, obviously not knowing whether or not he should continue his sentence.

She knew what he had been about to say. She couldn't help but find it incredibly cute of him that he was afraid to hurt her feelings or to remind her of her not so happy childhood with his comment. She pulled away from him a bit, letting her eyes meet his. She gave him a soft, encouraging smile, telling him that it was okay for her, that she was fine.

"My father died when I was nine." He suddenly told her. They had never talked about his father. Once he had told her that his parents' names were Arthurand Victoria, that he had been teaching botany and that she was owning a gallery in Santa Barbara, but that had been it. She had never asked him because she thought he would tell her when the time was right.

She ran her hand over his upper arm and leaned closer to him. She knew this wasn't easy for him, he probably had never really talked about this with anyone. She wanted him to know that she was there for him.

"I was watching TV." He continued softly. "Dad came home from teaching and I still remember that he tousled my hair and called me Champ." He smiled softly. "My Dad always called me Champ, he had taught me to play baseball and I was _really_ good. And then he lay down on the sofa to take a nap, he never woke up."

Even though he was still forcing himself to smile she could see how tears rose up in his eyes. She swallowed hard, she felt so sorry. He really must have looked up to his father. She leaned her head against the side of his and wrapped her arms around him.

He sighed and closed his eyes. "That was the first time that I ever saw a dead person. I didn't really understand that back then though. I thought that he was sleeping. My mother tried to wake him up but it didn't work. Suddenly she went pale and ran out of the room, I think she didn't even notice that I was still in there. At some point paramedics arrived and one of them brought me outside into the garden, telling me to wait there. I waited for a long time, I thought at some point Dad would simply come out and play baseball with me, like he always did. I sat there on the lawn with my baseball, my bat and then I realized that my Dad would never come out and play with me again."

The mere thought of little Grissom sitting on the ground in the garden waiting for his father to come out and play with him had tears rise up in her eyes. She snuggled closer against him.

He buried his face into her hair and held on closer to her. "When my mother told me that he was dead I didn't want to believe her. I ran back into the house and searched for him but he wasn't there anymore." He began to shake and Sara tightened her embrace around him. He remained silent for a moment until he had calmed down. "My mother never got over it… I tried to tell her that… that…"

"You were a child, how were you supposed to comfort her?" She told him softly, reaching up for his cheek to caress it.

He shrugged. "I don't know." He let his hands slip up and down her sides. "I never told this to anyone." He confessed a moment later, his blue eyes still shining from the tears.

She leaned her forehead against his and framed his face with her hands. "Talking helps." She whispered softly and he nodded in agreement.

"I'm so glad that I have you." He told her softly.

She softly kissed him on his lips, then took his hands into hers. "You need to get some rest."

He sighed. "I know," He gave her a weak smile. "And so do you."

"I'll clean up here first." She smiled softly at him.

He shook his head. "I will do that. What a gentleman would I be if I'd let you clean up the mess I made?"

She smirked softly when he pulled her into his arms again. He slipped his hands over her back down to her hips, deeply inhaling the scent of her hair when he buried his face into it. She knew he wasn't ready to let go of her yet.

She didn't want to let go of him yet either, she hadn't expected something like this. Just another similarity they had, they both had grown up without their fathers. Sad somehow, but on the other hands those experiences where parts of their lives and had made them who they were now.

* * *

TBC

some feedback would be nice ;) thank you very much for taking the time to read :)


	24. Daddy's Little Girl

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Thank you so much **Rhee** for beta reading, you are the best!

okay, I know this is... wellI don't know if this is OOC since... I mean we do not know what is in-character anymore since we really don't know when it all started and how it all developed etc... so read it and judge it yourself. :) and feel free to tell me what you thought of it ;)

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Chapter 24

It had all started when he had pointed out that the milk was empty. He had made the momentous mistake to bother her with the lack of milk in their fridge - which had by the way been his fault because it had been _his_ turn to do the grocery shopping - before her first coffee. Her reply had probably been a little too harsh, since it had managed to make him loose his peace.

As passionately as they usually loved each other, sparks had been flying then. Neither of them had wanted to give in, so things had gotten worse, one word had followed the other until doors had been thrown shut and silence had followed.

They hadn't spoken a single word with each other before they had to leave for work. At the lab they had avoided each other as good as possible, exchanging only a minimum amount of words when talking had really become inescapable.

At some time she, Grissom and Warrick had been discussing the victim's phone calls, she had actually been pretty content with herself because she had managed to hide her anger from Warrick, but then… _Thermite_. She just hadn't been able to swallow her comment. She of course hadn't planned this, the words had suddenly just been there and she had felt like saying them. '_Maybe some people shouldn't be together.' _His expression had been priceless.

An hour later she had been sitting in the break room, wanting to eat her lunch. Still slightly furious about her comment Grissom had entered, telling her to meet him in his office in twenty minutes. He was still pissed off. But she could only grin about this, she was still angry but this whole situation started to amuse her.

So there she was now, knocking on the door of his office. He had closed the blinds and she knew that this meant 'Don't dare to bother me!'. She wasn't sure if she should bother him now, but after all, it had been him who had told her to come and see him in his office.

He didn't answer so she simply entered. He wasn't there. She sighed softly and was about to turn around and leave when she surprisedly felt him behind her. She winced, not having expected him to suddenly be so close to her. She heard how he closed the door and locked it. A cold shower ran through her when his hands grasped her hips, dragging her close to him. He was still angry, she could feel it in the way he touched her. This wasn't the gentle Grissom she was used to.

"Take it back." He told her with low voice, his lips close to her ear.

"Take what back?" She replied knowing that this made him even angrier. She knew that it was probably not the best idea to make him angry, but since he already was angry...

"That we shouldn't be together." He didn't sound that angry anymore, but somehow there was a sad tone in his voice.

She swallowed hard. "I wasn't talking about us. Remember, we have rules, there is not an 'us' when we are here."

His hands slipped up her sides and he pressed her back against his chest. She gasped when he cupped her breasts with his hands. "Damn it, I know you were talking about us." He whispered into her ear.

"What makes you so sure about that?" She asked, teasing him even more.

All of a sudden he turned her around to face him. Their gazes met in an intense struggle of emotions. They both were angry, but at the same time they wanted to give in because this whole argument really made them feel miserable. "I know you." He answered.

"Well, your comment wasn't any less personal." She tried to defend herself.

"My comment wasn't a personal one until you interpreted it as such." He let his hands travel over her back while he spoke.

"So what was I supposed to think after our argument this morning?" She couldn't think with his hand on her. _Damn it,_ she knew what he was trying to do here.

"And what was _I _supposed to think?" He turned them both around so that she was facing the wall with her back.

"You said you regretted that you asked me to move in." Her voice was strong but the rest of her wasn't. She was so close to give in.

"After you told me that you'd regret that you gave up your apartment and moved in." He pushed her closer to the wall.

"Only because you," Okay what were his hands doing on her bottom? She swallowed hard, no she _had _to resist him. "Only because you said that you never had trouble when you were still living alone."

"Because you said you wouldn't understand how I could be so unorganized when it comes to grocery shopping." He stopped pushing her backwards when she had hit the wall, his hands now resting on her hips.

"_Who_ forgets the milk? I mean I don't even drink milk, it's your milk so how can you forget it and then blame _me_?"

"I did not blame you, I only pointed out that the milk was empty." He corrected her. "You only _thought_ I blamed you because you are always bitchy before you get your first coffee injection."

She couldn't help but smirk now. "When you know that so well, why did you expect me to act rationally in that moment?"

He shrugged. "It was worth a try." He had this puppy eyes expression now and he knew that she never could resist him then.

She chuckled and leaned against his chest. "Oh damn it Gil Grissom, how dare you to look at me like that?"

He didn't answer, instead he pinned her against the wall and kissed her passionately. All thoughts left her there. Ignoring that they were in his office, she gave in to his kisses and touches. When he pulled away from her a few minutes later she let her eyes meet his and gave him a soft smile. "I'm sorry." She whispered, so much for her plan to not be the first one to apologize.

He softly kissed her on her forehead and smiled. "So am I."

She ran her hand over his chest and winked at him, seducing him with the expression in her eyes. She knew that he was hesitating; he bit down on his bottom lip and let his eyes wander over her body.

She let her hands slip down to the waistband of his pants, smiling about the twinkle in his eyes. "You started this, now don't back out." She whispered into his ear while she slid her hands under his shirt.

He swallowed hard, obviously close to losing his self control. He considered it for a moment, then kissed her again, dragging her away from the wall.

Breathlessly he pulled away from her after a moment. "If I would have known that an argument would lead to this, I would have bugged you before your first coffee earlier."

_If you wanted office sex with me,__ all you had to do was ask, __I was ready for that ever since I came to Vegas._ The words were on her tongue but her comment would have destroyed the mood, so she kept it to herself and let him help her up onto his desk. If every argument would lead to make up sex in his office then she wouldn't complain about the arguments any longer.

* * *

TBC

I hope this was okay. Feek cfree to leave me a review ;) ...I'll be in France for the next couple ofweeks, I hope that I will be able to get to the net from time to time to update. I apologize in forward for the few updates in the next three weeks, I hope you can understand that I also need some vacations ;).


	25. Kiss Kiss Bye Bye

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

An: Many many thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading! Also many thanks to **Lisa** and **Myra**!

this chap is about **KissKiss, ByeBye**

Sorry for not updating in the last weeks, wouldn't let me lock in from the pc I was using in france :( I'llupdate everytwo days from now on, I promise!

* * *

chapter 25

The boyish grin on his lips had not faded away yet when they entered his office and he locked the door behind her. He pulled her into his arms, pressing her back against his chest. While he began to nibble on her earlobe he let his hands move up and down her sides. She leaned into the embrace of his body and let her head drop back against the side of his.

"So you think that men with gray hair are attractive?" He whispered while he slowly tugged on her scarf until it didn't cover her neck anymore and slipped down to the ground.

"No," She answered softly. "I think that gray hair _can_ be attractive, but it really depends on the person."

His hands continued their journey over her body and a quite moan escaped from the depth of her throat as he began making love to her neck with his mouth. Just the feeling of his beard against her soft skin created true wonders. "What about me?" He asked in between the hundreds of little kisses and licks.

"More…" She moaned softly. "More than attractive."

He smiled and slightly pulled away from her. "I don't think it would suit Hodges."

"You're scaring me." She turned around to face him. She could only grin about the confused expression on his face.

"I scare you?" He asked and raised his right eyebrow.

"You were thinking about Hodges's hairstyle while you were kissing me." She answered while she slipped her arms around his waist.

"And that scares you?" He threw an asking look at her.

"A bit. Makes me wonder what you think about while we're making love." She confessed.

He chuckled and closed the gap between them with a soft kiss. "Nothing to be scared of. Actually I pretty much don't think of anything specific at all, you never give me the chance to think." Then his lips devoted themselves to her neck again.

"As much as I like this… we should not do this here…" He ignored her comment and continued. "Griss… we are so going to get caught in the act at some point."

She could feel how a bright grin built up on his lips.

"Don't tell me that this is turning you on."

As reply he began to nibble on her neck and let his hands slip under her shirt.

"Oh my Gosh, this _is_ turning you on." At the same time they would get caught, she knew it. And then they'd both be kicked out of the lab. She needed to be the rational one in this relationship, he was totally driven by his hormones today.

She slipped her hands up to his shoulders and softly pushed him away. Only reluctantly he let go of her neck, groaning in dissatisfaction. He wanted to lean forward again to kiss her but she placed her index finger over his lips. "We're on the clock." She warned him softly. "I never thought that I'd be the one who complains about this, but we are ignoring our agreement about being professional at work."

He sighed and looked at her with those puppy eyes again. Oh damn, the man really knew how to turn her knees into jelly.

"Honey,… Honey, Honey, Honey…" He leaned forward and once again tried to kiss her.

She stepped back and shook her head. "Dr. Grissom you do not really want to do that."

"Well Miss Sidle actually," He slipped his arms around her waist and dragged her close to him again. "I am pretty sure that I _do_ want to do this."

Okay, she should have known that this was _really_ a turn on for him; and she was close to give in to the temptation.

Suddenly someone knocked on the door. His eyes widened and he pulled away from her.

"Fuck" she formed the words with her mouth but did not dare to speak it out, fearing that - whomever the person out there was - he or she might hear her. Hastily she tried to rearrange her clothes and attempt to strike a pose on one of the chairs which was not suspicious.

He was about to unlock the door when he suddenly froze. She raised an eyebrow and threw an asking look it him. He pointed at her but she didn't know what he meant so she gave him a 'what the fuck' look. He rolled with his eyes and pointed at his neck and then to her again. Then she realized what he was trying to tell her. _Hickey, great!_ She sighed, glancing around the room for her scarf but she couldn't find it. Why could the man never repress the urge to suck on her neck?

Slightly panicking she jumped up from the chair again, Grissom helped her searching and eventually he spotted the scarf under one of the shelves. The person outside knocked again, this time more forcefully.

Sara grabbed her scarf and wrapped it around her neck, Grissom helped her arranging it so that it covered up the hickey, then he brushed her hair out of her face and placed a quick kiss on her forehead. "I'm sorry." He whispered and looked at her with such a cute apologetic expression that she couldn't suppress the smile that built up on her lips.

She knew that no matter _who_ was standing outside there, he or she would never buy the story that they had just been working on a case file. The door had been locked and they had needed way to much time to unlock it. Everybody would suspect that they had been interrupted during a heavy make out session, which was the truth after all. They were_ so _busted.

"Grissom are you there?" Sara grimaced. _Damn! Catherine!_ They were _definitely _busted.

Sara held her breath when Grissom unlocked the door and opened it. "Hey Cath." He leaned in the doorframe, keeping the door closed enough so that Cath could not see Sara.

"Why was your door locked?" Catherine asked curiously.

"I wanted to work without getting disturbed." He told her with pretended nonchalance.

"Oh, okay." Even though Cath sounded as if she bought it, she did not leave.

Sara got more and more nervous, she shifted back and forth on her chair, praying that Catherine would leave without suspecting anything.

"I was searching for a file and Hodges said that maybe he accidentally gave it to you."

"Uhm, I don't think so." He lied, probably not even remembering if Hodges had actually handed him a file.

"Could you maybe check that? It's important."

"Okay. Uhm,…" He hesitated and glanced over to Sara.

She understood and went through the files on his table.

"What's standing on the file?" Grissom asked turning back to Catherine.

"It's trace results from the case I worked a couple of days ago, the Palmer case."

Sara went through the files on his table and immediately found the one Catherine was searching for.

"Okay, I will see if I can find it." Grissom turned away from Cath and wanted to close the door but Catherine tried to follow him in.

She got a hold of the door right before it would have hit her face. As the first shock diminished the second one hit her immediately when she spotted Sara with the file in her hand. "Sa-ra." She spluttered, slowly getting an idea of what had been going on in there before she had knocked on the door.

Sara bit down on her bottom lip, the faked a smile and handed Catherine the file. "I found your file."

Catherine reached for the file and then turned to Grissom. "I thought you had a girlfriend."

Sara prayed that Grissom would find the right answer to get them out of this situation.

"Girlfriend?" He raised an eyebrow and Sara already thought that everything was going to hell in a handbasket when Grissom finally remembered to what Catherine was referring. "Yes, I do," he pretended to chuckle. "Catherine, we were just working in here."

Catherine cocked an eyebrow, she obviously didn't buy Grissom's alibi. But she didn't pronounce any more suspicions. "Okay." She just nodded and headed for the door. "Thanks for the file."

"You're welcome." Grissom replied, relieved that Cath hadn't voiced her suspicions. He followed her to the door and closed it behind her, not locking it this time.

For a moment they just stared at each other until Sara couldn't stand the silence anymore. "She so knows it." She sighed frustrated.

Grissom shrugged. "She won't tell anyone."

"This is _Cath_erine." Sara felt how panic rose up in her. "She will tell everyone about it."

"Honey," Grissom walked over to her, placing his hands on her upper arms to calm her down. "She won't tell anyone. I know her, she's not like that."

Sara shook her head unbelieving. "We're going to loose our jobs, we are so busted."

Grissom began to chuckle. She threw an asking look at him, not understanding how he could even have funny thoughts in such a situation. Did he suddenly go insane?

"Don't worry, okay? I know so much crap about Catherine and her personal life, she won't dare to tell anyone about this."

Sara was still worried, even though she told herself that she should trust Grissom. If he told her that he was sure that Catherine wouldn't tell anyone about it, then she could rely on it. But this was definitely the end of their 'office make outs'. Never again she would let him even touch her while they were at the lab.

* * *

TBC


	26. Pirates of the Third Reich

Disclaimer:I do not own CSI :(

AN: Tousand thanks to **Rhee** for being the best beta reader ever! Also thanks to** Myra** and **Lisa** :)

I was not sure what to write about this episode, so I hope that this is okay. To be honest I have only seen the half of **PotTR** so I hope that I got everything right, usually I always watch the episodes again before I write about them, but I really can't stand LH so I did not want to torture myself.

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chapter 26

That guilty expression on his face started to annoy her. He didn't want to talk about it, she could accept that; but the expression on his face revealed that he felt guilty for something. She had been thinking through all the possible scenarios of what might have happened and the more she thought about it the more it worried her. She trusted him but at some point she really couldn't think straight anymore, there was only so much she could take.

He had cooked for her, he hadn't done this in months. At first she had been surprised, now she was suspecting. They hadn't talked a lot during dinner until now, but now she just couldn't stand it anymore.

"What happened?" She asked once again, still calm and trying to not get too paranoid.

He shrugged and didn't answer, he still didn't dare to look at her, leave alone meeting her gaze.

She sighed and ran her hand through her hair, this was frustrating. "Griss, why can't you just talk with me?"

"Because it's not important." He replied softly, poking in the food with his fork.

She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, she was not in the mood for an argument, _this_ was what he wanted. Because when they argued it always ended with sex, and when it ended with sex then he wouldn't have to talk anymore. He was hoping that she would forget about it then, and she was intent on not letting him get away with that.

"Did you cheat on me?" She asked straight forward. This would be the worst case scenario, she didn't even want to think about the possibility that it might be true. But she had to ask, she needed to know it.

All facial features slipped off his face. He stared at her, unbelieving, slightly shocked and totally taken aback by her question. "No." He answered shortly but it was enough to let her heartbeat slow down to a normal pace again.

"What is it then?" She continued to ask, once again trying to meet his gaze.

He looked down on his plate and shook his head. "It's not important." He told her once again and this time it really was enough for her.

She threw her napkin on her plate and left her seat. She grabbed the plate and carried it over to the kitchen where she carelessly put it on the kitchen counter. She took a deep breath and told herself to calm down but it did not really work. It drove her insane when he didn't want to talk with her about something, because it meant that it was really something bad or something of which he thought that it might hurt her. And she did not even want to _think_ about the possibility that he might have done something that might hurt her.

He was still sitting at the table, moving around the food on his plate with his fork without bringing it up to his mouth.

She began to wash her plate and then the pan and the pots, it took her at least thirty minutes until she had finished cleaning up the kitchen and even after all this time he was still sitting at the table.

She was willing to give him one more chance. She dried her hands with a towel and then walked over to him. She stopped behind him and softly put her hands on his shoulders. She felt how he tensed under her touch and she bit down on her bottom lip. "Did I do something wrong?" She asked with weak voice, not knowing what else she could do to finally get him to talk with her.

"You didn't do anything wrong." He replied hoarsely. He put his elbows on the table and supported the weight of his head with his hands.

"What is going on here then?" She felt tears rising up in her eyes, she was really getting desperate.

He sighed and left his seat. He turned to her and brushed a strand of hair out of her face and back behind her ear. "I'm just upset about something, but it has nothing to do with you. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Did you do something wrong then?" Her hands were shaking, she really didn't know what to think anymore.

"Three years ago, there was this woman... her name is Heather… she…" He paused for a moment, sighed and then slipped his hand over her upper arm. "You will not like this."

"I don't care. I just want to know the truth." She replied softly.

He nodded. "Heather is working as a dominatrix."

Sara felt her chest tighten, he did not sleep with that woman, did he?

She knew that he was trying to read from the expression on her face, he was trying to find out what she was thinking. She tried to not let on her confusion about this but she knew that she failed.

"We met about four years ago while I investigated a case. A year later we met again. When I was at her house to find out more about our case we… we got closer than we should have. She was fascinating me, it was weird. I always tried to be an enigma but she could read me like an opened book and as much as I hated it, I was more and more drawn to her. Then we kissed, but afterwards I backed out. She knew why I backed out and she told me that she knew that it would be my greatest fear to be known, and she was right about that. Then… Then I found out that she has diabetes and we had suspected that our victim had been killed by an insulin overdose. She was arrested and… well later it turned out that it hadn't been her who had killed the victim. I never apologized for suspecting her."

She didn't know what to think, hearing Grissom talk about this woman and his experience with this woman had caused a stabbing pain in her heart, and the fact that this woman had fascinated him had caused cold showers to run down her spine. He paused for a moment and reached out for her hand, but she didn't want him to touch her right now. So she pulled away and sat down on the sofa; close enough to still hear him, far enough away to not be touched.

"Her daughter was one of the victims of our latest case. She offered to help us but played after her own rules. She slept with a suspect to get his DNA sample because she thought it would be faster like that… I felt sorry for her but at the same time I just… I couldn't understand her. I mean of course I would also do everything to find out who did something as perverse like this to my child, but… not on such a level, there are other options." He paused for a while, probably waiting for her to say something. But she didn't know what to say. He sighed and walked over to her. For a second their gazes met and he stopped walking, realizing that she couldn't handle being close to him at the moment.

"Then, then I found her in the desert, with Sneller." He continued. "She had tied him up to the car and was whipping him… I was screaming at her, told her to stop but she didn't. She wanted to kill him. At some point I simply grabbed her whip and tried to take it away from her. She didn't let go of it, so at some point…I pulled her into my arms to calm her down." He bit down on his bottom lip and looked at her with an even more guilty expression.

_What, that was it?_ He had only been holding her in his arms? After that story she had at least expected a confession as horrible as a story about a 'whipping session' which he had extremely enjoyed or something just as worse. Okay, she didn't feel well with the thought of him holding his former 'whatever she had been' in his arms - but she hadn't even been a girlfriend or someone he had had an affair with, so she was just a woman he had kissed and who had also fascinated him - what was still the most bothering part of his whole story.

He now took a seat on the sofa. "Honey I'm sorry, I…" He was shaking, now she started to feel sorry for him.

She slowly slipped her arms around his body and leaned herself against his chest. "Nothing to feel sorry about." She whispered into his ear and gave him a soft smile. "You were taking care of a woman who has just lost her daughter." She continued. "I don't even want to imagine the pain that she must have felt. And well, okay the two of you have a 'past' but… we all have a past, don't we? …I mean just look at us."

He twined his arms around her waist and kissed her on her forehead. "I just…" He didn't know how to continue.

She smirked softly and framed his face with her hands. "Listen, the fact that you told me all this shows me how much I can trust you. And it shows me that you do not fear to be known by me and _that _proves how much I mean to you. I don't care that you kissed her back then, that doesn't worry me in connection with today's events." She softly traced his cheekbones with her thumbs. "But since you were so honest with me, I should be honest with you too. There is something that worries me and it, well it doesn't make me feel good. I just… need to know if she… Does she still fascinate you?"

"No," He shook his head. "No Honey."

"Do I fascinate you?" She asked and bit down on her bottom lips, when she was honest with herself she had to confess that she was a bit scared of his answer.

"Yes. Like no one else ever could." He gave her a soft smile.

Relieved by his answer she snuggled close against him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Thank you." He whispered softly, letting his hands slip over her back.

"For what?" She asked slightly amused.

"For listening, this really burdened me… somehow. And I was afraid that you… I was afraid of your reaction." He confessed.

She gave him an encouraging smile and then let her lips meet his in a tender kiss. "We all have a past."

He nodded in agreement.

"So as long as you plan to spend your future with me," She whispered. "Without hurting me," She added with a wink. "There is nothing you have to be afraid of."

* * *

TBC

I'd really like to know what you thought about this...


	27. I like to watch

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Okay this is probably the chap wich fits the least to the ep it is supposed to fit to, but I was talked into bringing up the 'theme' by several people so I just went for it in this chap. I gave my best to not let it get too OOC, but if you don't even read slight OOC fics, then skip this chap.

many many thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading! Thank you so much.

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chapter 27

"How long?"

"Three more minutes." She told him after glancing at her watch. She could feel her heart beating up to her throat. The last two minutes had felt like hours.

He nodded softly. "So what are we going to do when the test is positive?" He asked after a moment, trying to meet her gaze.

She shrugged. "Don't know… but don't worry, I won't force you to marry me." She winked, trying to lighten up their mood.

* * *

nine hours earlier: 

She felt like death warmed up; this could not be true. This was not allowed to be true! She still prayed that she had simply made a mistake in her calculations, but if she was honest with herself she knew that she had not miscalculated anything.

In fact she had not even noticed that she was late until she had been more or less coincidentally flicking through the pages of her planner. First, she had tried to tell herself that it might be due to stress, but why did she feel sick whenever she smelled coffee? Or was that just a subconscious overreaction?

She'd be in the fifth week, approximately. _That would be the office sex_. Which was also the only time that they had not used contraceptives. _Great._ She cursed herself for her own stupidity.

So what was she supposed to do now? She had to talk with Grissom; how would he react? And _when_ should she talk with him? When she wanted to stick to their rules then she had to wait until shift was over, but their shift had just started! She couldn't wait that long. And she had to take a pregnancy test, maybe it was better to do that before she talked to Grissom. Maybe she was just overreacting, maybe it was nothing.

But where was she supposed to get a test from? She couldn't leave the lab now.

Then she saw Grissom walking through the hallway. She swallowed hard; he was alone, probably _this _was the only time that she would be able to talk with him alone tonight.

She left the layout room and followed him to his office. He stopped when he heard her behind him. He turned around and gave her a soft smile. "Hey, you okay?" He leaned back against the doorframe and tilted his head to the side.

"We need to talk." She told him, feeling how her hands began to shake.

He arched an eyebrow and threw an asking look at her. "What's wrong?" He sounded concern now.

She was just about to tell him that they'd better enter his office because she needed to talk with him in privacy, when the camera team joined them. "Dr. Grissom, are you talking bout the case at the moment?"

Sara knew that Grissom couldn't answer with a 'No' to that question. She sighed and gave the cameraman a soft smile, then excused herself. She would have to try it again later.

In the meantime she told herself that she needed to calm down and had to focus on work. She didn't know how she was supposed to do so but she still had to try.

* * *

After an hour she had managed to distract herself and was examining a piece of evidence when she suddenly felt a hand on her back. She winced, but then realized that it was Grissom's hand, which was less scary than the possibility of it being Hodges's hand. But still, they were in the layout room, Grissom couldn't simply touch her, here where everyone could see them. She turned around to face him and gave him a soft smile. "Hey." 

"Hey." He replied and winked at her. "Everything okay?"

"Well, I was just working on this…" She started but he didn't let her finish.

"I mean about what you wanted to talk with me earlier."

She swallowed hard when the supplanted thoughts returned to her mind. "I… I… I don't know if we should talk about this here." She stammered, feeling how her hands began to shake again.

He gave her a concerned look and was about to reach out for her upper arm, she turned around again to signalize him that she did not want to be touched right now, and more important, not here.

He sighed and leaned back against the table. "Then let's go to my office." He offered.

She shook her head. "Later."

"Sara, I'm worried." He confessed.

She did not want him to be worried. But she did not even know for sure yet if her suspicion was true or if she was just overreacting. On the other hand, she really needed to talk about it, maybe he would manage to calm her down. "Okay, but in your office."

He nodded softly. "Okay." His hand returned to the small of her back and he softly caressed her with his thumb.

She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, then she let him lead her out of the room. He let go of her back when they entered the hallway, slowly walking next to her.

Suddenly the camera team crossed their way. Sara didn't know whether to feel relieved or annoyed when they were stopped by them. The camera man tried to implicate Grissom into a conversation and Sara could see how annoyed Grissom was. She was not in the mood to talk with any of the members of the camera team, they weren't the kind of people that she liked to hang out with; she wasn't a fan of reporters.

"We'll talk later." She told Grissom softly and left, well knowing that he cursed her for leaving him alone with the reporters. She didn't like doing this to him, but at the moment she just couldn't stand so many people around her.

Returning to her work in the layout room it was difficult to find the strength to focus on the evidence again. She needed to talk with Grissom. She had to talk about it with someone, and since only Grissom was allowed to know about this she could only talk with him.

She let evidence be evidence and made her way back to his office. He had managed to get rid of the camera team and was about to take seat on his chair when she entered his office. Giving him an insecure smile she closed the door behind herself. Then she took a deep breath and headed for the free chair in front of his table. She sat down and folded her shaking hands in her lap.

"What's wrong Honey?" He asked concerned.

She wasn't able to look at him, she was too scared to see all his facial expressions slipping off his face when he got to know about her suspicions. She stared down at her hands and bit down on her bottom lip, then brushed a strand of hair out of her face and back behind her ear. "I… I… think I'm…" She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't know for sure yet but I think that I am pregnant."

He did not answer and she did not look at him, even though the need to do so grew up in her faster and faster. She needed to know what he was thinking about this. But would she be able to stand his shocked expression?

After a while, that felt like hours to her, he broke the silence. "You think you are pregnant?" He asked softly, but calmly.

She nodded, her eyes still closed, her lips pressed together.

"Did you take a pregnancy test?"

She shook her head. "No, I… I didn't have the time to buy one yet."

She heard how he stood up and walked over to her, then he took a seat on the other chair next to her. He reached out for her upper arm and caressed her softly. "Honey, look at me." He whispered and she opened her eyes.

Her chest tightened, she couldn't read from his expression. It was weird, as if he himself wouldn't know what to feel. He just looked at her for a long time, but then he had figured out what to say. "Listen Honey, don't worry. We don't know it for sure, we should really not start worrying until after."

She nodded softly, not really feeling relieved but at least he knew it now, she did not have to be afraid of his reaction anymore. "Okay."

Before either of them could make the attempt to continue the conversation Sofia knocked on the door and entered without waiting for any invitations. "Sorry to interrupt you, but they're searching for you Gil."

"Who?" Grissom turned to her for a second but then turned back to Sara.

"The camera team." Sofia replied.

Grissom sighed and threw an apologetic look at Sara. She gave him a soft smile and nodded. "We'll talk later." She told him softly and left her seat.

"Okay." He stood up and followed Sofia out to meet the camera team.

* * *

Two more hours to go until shift was over, she didn't know if she could make it any longer. The closer to the end the shift came, the more nervous and worried she became. She couldn't help it. 

She was talking with the camera team when Grissom joined their conversation. They were discussing the case for a while until he had to leave because he had a brief meeting with Ecklie and the Sheriff.

He already was about to leave when he turned to Sara again. "I've got something in the drawer of my desk for you."

She raised an eyebrow, at first not really knowing what he meant and also wondering if he was aware of the possibility that the camera team might suspect something that they were not supposed to suspect. "Something for… for that other case I am working on?"

He understood and nodded. "Yes, yeah, that other case."

She gave him a soft smile. "Thank you." Where had he managed to get a pregnancy test from?

As soon as he had left she also excused herself. She hurried to his office and entered it as soon as she had made sure that no-one saw her.

She opened the first drawer of his desk, papers, letters, envelopes, pencils, a framed picture of her. _Of me?_ She was speechless for a moment. _Wow_, he had a picture of her in his office; the thought made her smile. For a moment it let her forget why she had been rummaging the drawer.

But then she remembered. She closed the first drawer again and opened the next one. There she found it. She took a deep breath and put it into the pocket of her jacket.

On her way to the bathroom she met Grissom in the hallway. "And?" He asked slightly nervous.

"I was just about to take the test." She told him softly.

He nodded. "Okay." He softly brushed the back of his fingers over her upper arm. "Do you want me to wait with you?"

She didn't know. She really didn't know if she wanted him near her at the moment. But she did not want to be alone either.

He must have noticed that she was not sure about what to answer. He gave her a soft smile to encourage her and it really helped. She sighed softly and together they entered the ladies restroom.

"Just in case that someone enters, you might want to lock yourself into one of the cabins." She told him and he nodded. A few seconds later she could hear how he locked himself into the cabin next to her.

It took her a moment until she found the mental strength to take the test. She knew she had to make it so that she would finally have certitude, but on the other hand she really didn't want to know it for sure. As long as she didn't know it, she could still pretend that she was not pregnant.

After a moment she left her cabin and knocked on the door of his. She really didn't want to be alone right now.

"We have to wait for five minutes now." She told him softly when he opened the door.

"Okay." He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Do you want to sit down?"

She nodded softly and let him steady her while she let herself sink down to the ground. She leaned back against the wall and looked up to him. "What if someone enters now?"

He shrugged and sat down next to her. "We will simply pretend that you felt sick and that I took care of you."

She gave him a soft smile and leaned her body against him while he slipped his arm around her shoulders. She let her head drop against his and closed her eyes. They remained in silence for a while.

"How long?"

"Three more minutes." She told him after glancing at her watch. She could feel her heart beating up to her throat. The last two minutes had felt like hours.

He nodded softly. "So what are we going to do when the test is positive?" He asked after a moment, trying to meet her gaze.

She shrugged. "Don't know… but don't worry, I won't force you to marry me." She winked, trying to lighten up their mood.

"You really wouldn't have to force me." He told her softly while he brushed his hand over her upper arm. Then he pressed a soft kiss on the top of her head.

She slowly started to relax and closed her eyes again while she snuggled close against his chest. "You know when I should really be pregnant it would have at least one advantage."

Even though her eyes were closed she knew that he had raised his right eyebrow. He always did that. She smiled to herself and reached up for his hand. She entwined her fingers with his and squeezed it softly. "Well, we would never need contraceptives again."

And now she knew that he was having this 'what the fuck?' expression. She chuckled softly. "Well, as long as I am pregnant we don't have to fear that I could get pregnant. And after our baby is born we will not be able to have sex with each other until we're sending our very, very, very smart child to college. And afterwards I will already be going through menopause, we will save a lot of money."

He chuckled. "Yes, but it will cost us a lot of money to send our very, very, very smart child to college."

"Nah, she'll get a scholarship." She turned to face him and grinned. But then the grin faded from her face and she became serious again. "I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, actually I don't think that I ever could be ready."

He kissed her on her cheek and gave her a soft, encouraging smile. "Don't worry, together we'll make it."

_God he is so sweet._ She couldn't help but smile. "You're not scared?"

"Like hell." He confessed. "But I'm still very good when it comes to hiding my feelings." He shrugged and ran his hand through her hair. "I think the five minutes are over."

She took a deep breath and told herself to calm down. "Moment of truth." She sighed and reached out for the test. But Grissom stopped her.

She turned to look at him and arched an eyebrow.

"Before we know it for sure, I want you to know that no matter if it's positive or not, I will be there for you, okay?"

She leaned her head against his and kissed him softly. "I love you." She whispered and gave him a soft smile.

Then she turned her attention to the test. The weight dropped off her shoulders "Thank God." She gave a relieved sigh. "It's negative."

He swallowed hard and for a moment she wondered if he had not maybe hoped that the test would be positive. But then he smiled at her and caressed her back with his hand. "Means we'll have to continue spending money for contraceptives." He winked at her and she chuckled softly. She had never loved him as much as she loved him in that moment.

* * *

TBC

_oh and because Idon't want toget flamed for it in reviews or emails because I did not make it clear enough in the chap, Sara was only **joking **when she said that she and Grissom wouldn't be able to sleep with each other until their child would leave the house to go to college ;)_


	28. Rashomama

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Thousand thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading! You are really the best, thank you! Also many thanks to **Myra**, thank you for always being there!

so this chapter is about **Rashomama**, after this there will be _TOYD_, _WTG_ and the Epilogue, means 3 more chapters to go after this one :)

* * *

Chapter 28

She smiled softly at herself while she was washing the plates. Grissom was in the living room, stretched out on the sofa; he was a little stressed out because of the long discussion he had with the Sheriff.

The Sheriff had still owed him a favor, so there wouldn't be any consequences for either of them.

"You really should have seen Nicky's face when he realized that his car was stolen." She said, trying to cheer him up. She dried the last plate and put it back into the cupboard.

"Oh yeah, I bet you had fun." He replied sounding a little bit tired.

She sighed and walked over to him. "Everything okay?"

He nodded and gave her a soft smile. Then he sat up, reached out for her arm and dragged her down to him. She snuggled close against him and slipped her arm around his waist.

"I bet you had a hard time trying not to laugh about him." He nestled his face against her neck.

She grinned. "You know me too well."

"Actually, when I'm honest, you really surprised me today." He confessed.

She pulled away slightly and threw an asking look at him. _Now what was that supposed to mean? _

"I always thought you'd be the type of woman who would want to marry." He trailed his fingers down over her upper arm.

She shrugged. "I'm not a fan of marriage. Way too often I saw it ending in domestic violence and death."

"So that means I better return the ring?" He asked while absent-mindedly drawing little circles on her shoulder with the tip of his middle finger.

"That is not a theme you should make fun about." She let her on hand drop down on his thigh.

"I'm not making fun of anything." His voice was suddenly soft and shy.

Sara felt as if she'd choke. He had not really planned to propose sometime in the near future, had he?

"Don't forget to breath Honey." He told her while a soft smile built up on his lips. He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and softly kissed her on her cheek. "It's okay."

She felt how her whole body began to shake. "You did not really…" Her voice was shaking too much, she couldn't continue. She closed her eyes and told herself to calm down. She tried to take a deep breath but failed, instead the air filled her lungs through several, hectic little gasps.

He lowered his one hand to her hip and slipped his thumb under the hem of her shirt, caressing her soft skin. "I was raised very traditionally, you know. My mother always wanted me to get married one day, with three children and a dog," He leaned his head against hers. "My parents were, well I guess their marriage would be described as happy; my mother always wanted me to make a woman just as happy as she had been with my father. So she taught me to be a gentleman and taught me to cook and how to wash my clothes and to iron. I was taught to be the perfect husband, the problem was just that no one ever taught me how to actually woo a woman. That would have been my father's job I guess."

She smirked softly at him. She knew that he would be the perfect man to spend the rest of her life with, she just didn't like the idea of marriage, at least not marriage as it was seen by most people.

"Honey, if you fear that I could hurt you, physically… I… Honey I could never do that. And…" Now his voice was shaking.

"I know that you would never hurt me." She kissed him softly. "I know that you could never lay a hand on me."

"Then why don't you want to marry me?" He sounded a bit desperate now.

"I never said that I would not want to marry you." Gently she ran her hand over his shoulder. "I just… this is a general thing. I love you and you know that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I just don't understand why we have to be married for that."

He shrugged after a moment. "I don't know, but when we spend the rest of our lives with each other anyway, why should we not marry?"

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. "Griss, the things we see at work everyday, all these tragedies… domestic violence, women killed by their husbands to shut them up before they could tell anyone that they were abused or simply killed because their husbands were in the mood to beat them up."

"But I am not like that."

"I know that," She brushed her lips over his. "I know that." Slowly she let her body sink deeper into his embrace. "Add my family history to all this, I mean not only my parents but my whole family. In six… no, seven generations no marriage could even roughly be described as happy. My brother went through his third divorce last year, my aunt Cindy had four husbands, one more abusive than the other, my grand-uncle Bernard killed his wife. I could continue but it's only getting worse." Yes, her family was pretty much cursed, that was why she had been clinging on to Grissom in all these years. In a masochistic way it had felt safe to love him even though he had always seemed as if he would never want to act on his feelings for her, no not 'even though';_ because _it had always seemed as if he would never act on his feelings.

The feeling of his palm rubbing over her back was a huge comfort to her. She did not like to remember her family's past, let alone talk about them. It always reminded her of all the crap she had to go through in the past, but it also made her love Grissom even more. She knew he would never ever do to her what her father had done to her mother, he would never lay a hand on her, he would never rape her, he would never attempt to kill her. Grissom was so caring, so gentle, so tender - in fact he was everything she had never dared to dream about and even more, she hadn't expected him to be like that. He might have hurt her mentally in the past but with every caring expression in his eyes, with every gentle touch, with every tender kiss he made this up to her, thousandfold.

"Honey, I know years ago I said something else but I changed a lot since then; I could make you happy." She had felt her chest tighten already when he had begun to speak. She framed his face with her hands and let her eyes meet his.

"I am happy. You already make me happy. Happier than I thought I ever could be." She kissed him softly. "I never thought I could be as happy as I am at the moment with you, so why should we change our…"

He ran his hand through her hair. "A marriage is not changing the way we love each other or how we treat each other, it would just express how much we love…"

"But we both know how much we mean to each other and others are not allowed to know anyway. When Nick made his comment about my thoughts about marriage I told him that I wasn't against marriage per se, just against the stupidity that surrounds it nowadays. People make their wedding ceremonies a public event because they want everyone to admire them, they marry for money or to usher in their career and in the past marriage was about possession or people were married by their parents because…" She spoke faster and faster without even noticing it.

"Honey," He held her with his hands on her upper arms now. "Honey calm down."

She sighed and leaned her forehead against his. "I'm sorry."

He gave he a soft smile. "Nothing to feel sorry about." He kissed her gently on her lips. "Honey I want to marry you because I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone. You are my life and I never thought that… that someone would ever manage to be my life, I never thought I would so easily be willing to risk my career to be with someone. My career has been the most important part of my life for almost thirty years but since you came into my life... I would give it all up for you." He sighed softly. "I sound so corny."

She felt the tears running down her cheeks but she couldn't help but smile. Smiling not only with her face but also with her heart, with her soul.

"I just think a marriage would be a connection that would last forever. Yes we could be together until the end of our lives without being married and if this is what you want then I will accept it but I know this is probably only my opinion because it was what my mother always taught me, but I think that a marriage would bring all this to a full circle. We'd not be incomplete without a marriage, but we…" He stopped and noticed the expression in her eyes. "I don't know how to argue rationally for marriage." He confessed.

"If this is so important for you," she sighed. "I promise I will think about it again, okay?"

The bright smile that built up on his lips was evidence enough, yes it was okay. She let her lips meet his and kissed him affectionately.

She might change her mind about weddings, if she and Grissom would marry secretly in a little chapel in Vegas or something similar and not because they wanted to save taxes or for any other purpose than to declare their love to each other. She did not know if she would ever feel good about marriages though, but time would tell.

* * *

TBC

feedback is very appreciated ;)


	29. Time Of Your Death

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Thousand thanks to **Rhee** for her beta work! You are the best, thank you so much. Many many thanks to **Myra** and **Lisa **for always being there to talk :)

* * *

Chapter 29

She couldn't help smiling back at him even brighter now, feeling shivers running through her whole body only because of the look he gave her. She loved this look, it was this 'let's get into bed a.s.a.p.' look. He had already undressed her with his eyes, she knew it, he was imagining her naked on the table. She chuckled softly and his lips formed into a boyish grin, as if he knew what she suspected him to think.

"Private, huh?" She asked when she eventually left her seat.

He only shrugged and remained seated in his chair. "Well, private in terms of not involving anyone else but you and me." He said softly so that no one else but her could hear him.

She smirked and then tilted her head to the side. "I know you're planning to skip breakfast but I am really hungry. And the bad news is that we have to go grocery shopping before we can go home."

"Then we better hurry up." He stood up and smiled softly, then he leaned closer to her and whispered. "Because I really don't want you to starve." When he pulled back again he winked at her and then placed his hand of the small of her back and guided her through the door into the hallway.

* * *

Shoving the shopping cart in front of him he absent-mindedly filled it with all sorts of food while she was occupied with returning most of the products back to the shelf again. He did not seem to notice, as usual he would only wonder where his Fruit Loops were when he'd want to eat them once in a month, if ever. She grinned at herself, Fruit Loops; Grissom actually bought Fruit Loops - or at least attempted to buy them. 

"Would you like cereal?" He asked after a while and ripped her out of her thoughts.

She turned to him, wondering for a second what had made him think of cereal while they were standing in front of tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, salad and zucchinis, but then told herself that he had at least thought of cereal and not of sausages or steaks. "Uhm, yeah." She nodded.

"I'll get it for you." He offered and disappeared behind the shelves.

She chuckled; oh yeah, he had just been searching for a chance to get away from the vegetables. She had to confess, grocery shopping with her was not easy and she admired him for owning the mental strength to survive it. She had the habit to always calculate the total price - and when he did not remember to tell her how much the product he had just put into the cart costs she really could get harsh sometimes; she also had a system of how to place in the goods and she could get really snappy when someone disorganized this system, Grissom had to learn this the hard way.

She decided to buy tomatoes, cucumbers and carrots - Grissom sometimes called her 'his little rabbit' because she _really_ had a thing for carrots.

Suddenly she felt his hands slipping around her waist and then he leaned his chest against her back. His beard tickled the skin of her neck when he lowered his face to brush his lips over her jawline.

A bright smile built up on her lips and she tilted her head to the side to give him better access to her neck.

Then he put the cereals package into the cart, regarding her system for his own benefit. "Four twenty-two." He told her softly and kissed her on her cheek.

_Makes forty dollars and eighty-nine cents in total so far._ She turned around to face him and slipped her arms around his neck. She let her lips meet his in an affectionate kiss, feeling his hands traveling south over her back. She moaned into his mouth when he pressed her closer against him.

"Can we go home now?" He asked with a mixture of desire and plea in his eyes.

She smirked and kissed him softly. "I still need apples, pears, cherries and strawberries and we need new candles and, uhm, wine or champagne?"

"Whatever you like the best." He whispered and brushed his lips over hers.

"I love it when you say that." She let her lips meet his for a second, feeling him chuckle against her chest. She smiled, then pulled away and turned her attention back to shopping. "Next stop apple shelf."

She took over shoving the cart while he walked next to her with his one arm resting around her waist.

They had reached a point at which they had stopped caring whether or not someone would find out about their relationship; especially _he _had stopped caring about this. He had already shown her in the past eleven months that his job was no longer more important to him than her, but in the past two weeks it seemed to her as if he had completely stopped caring about his career. Maybe it was because he had realized that with turning fifty in a little more than three months he would finish the second third of his lifetime, maybe he realized that there were things which were more important than career and science. The fact that _she_ was obviously so much more important to him still made her shiver from happiness whenever she thought about it.

When she stopped to get the apples he also slipped his other arm around her waist. She leaned back against his chest and closed her eyes for a moment. Feeling his lips travel over her neck again she realized that doing the grocery shopping before relieving the sexual tension that had been building up between them in the last twenty four hours had probably not been the best idea.

"You know, even though you can be really annoying during grocery shopping, there is no one else with whom I would enjoy doing it as much as I enjoy doing it with you." He whispered into her ear.

She chuckled. "Really? Wow, I think this was the nicest compliment I ever got during grocery shopping."

He laughed softly. "So, anything nice you would want to say about me too?" He slipped his hands up to her shoulders and began massaging her gently.

"Hmm…" She moaned softly. "Let me think." She teased him.

"You need to _think _about that?" he asked with played shocked voice.

"Well Babe, maybe we should put this conversation on hold until we return home."

"You need that long to find something nice to say about me?" He turned her around so that she was facing him.

A little surprised about this she gasped loudly, causing the grin on his lips to brighten up even more. "You might want to reconsider your answer if it was going to be a 'yes'." He winked.

Sniggering she leaned her forehead against his. "Okay, something nice to say about you…" She brushed her lips over his to tease him even more. "…something…" Her lips met his for a very brief moment. "…nice…" She felt how his grasp tightened on her hips. "You are the only person whom I would allow to interfere with my 'placing-in system'. Which does not mean that you should let that become a habit."

His lips crashed hers a little harshly, but that was just how she liked it, loved it… she loved these little moments in which the usually so gentle Gil Grissom couldn't bare down the need for relentless sex any longer. These were the moments in which he completely gave up controlling himself, moments in which he was completely opening his soul to her, with all the dark secrets and desires.

* * *

Leaning over him she placed several soft kisses on his neck, then traced his jawline with her lips until she reached his chin and worked her way up to his lips. 

When they had returned home the decision to skip breakfast had quickly been made, the sexual hunger had outranged the need to eat.

His hand traveled over her bare back, pressing her down on him while his eyes were closed and he was still trying to recover from the last minutes.

"That was one of my fantasies." She whispered into his ear after a while.

He opened his eyes and smiled at her. "Really?"

"Yeah," Her lips found his again for several tender kisses. "To be honest, every minute we're spending in bed is the realization of one of my fantasies." She ran her hand over his chest. "What are your fantasies?"

His smile changed into a smirk for a moment and he ran his one hand through her hair, brushing it back behind her ear. "I fantasize about a lot of things when it comes to you." He confessed.

"For example?" She threw an asking, but cute, look at him.

"Simple things, like washing my clothes together with yours, listening to your singing while you're taking a shower, being able to run my hands over your skin," He turned her on her back and supported his weight on his right arm so that he was able to lean over her. "Or…"

"Or?" She arched her left eyebrow. Expecting him to say something not so youth free his answer surprised her just as much as it made her laugh.

"Doing grocery shopping with you."

* * *

TBC


	30. Way To Go

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI :(

AN: Thousand thanks to **Rhee** for being such an amazing beta reader! Last chapter, only the Epilogue left after this one. I hope you'll enjoy reading it.

* * *

Chapter 30

Waking up she missed the warm feeling of his body being snuggled against hers. Reaching out with her eyes still closed she ran her hand over the sheets, sighing when she realized that he really wasn't in bed anymore. _Damn_, she had been looking forward to a nice breakfast in bed together with him.

Then a terrible thought crossed her mind, had the hospital called with bad news about Jim? Grissom usually _always_ waited in bed until she woke up or - when he was in a hurry - woke her up with such tenderness that she couldn't be mad at him.

She sat up and glanced around the room, no he wasn't sitting on the armchair either. She swallowed hard and left the bed with knees like jelly. Slowly she made her way through the hallway, feeling the coolness of the flagstones under the soles of her feet. Usually it always was something she was looking forward to after the often high temperatures in their bedroom, but today it made her shiver.

Eventually she spotted him sitting on a stool with his eyes focused on some papers that were lying on the counter. He was supporting his weight on his one arm while he was scribbling something down on the bottom of one of the pages.

"Hey." She spoke softly so not to startle him.

He winced nevertheless and flipped around the papers so that the blank sides were facing up before he turned to her. "Hey." He replied and forced a smile.

"Everything okay?" She asked, wondering what exactly was on these papers. She was not used to him keeping secrets from her anymore.

"Yeah, everything is fine." He left his seat and stuffed the papers into a folder.

She gave up; she knew he didn't like it when she was too nosy. She gave him a soft smile and walked over to him. Wrapping her arms around him she brushed her lips over his. "Then I am going to believe you." She whispered and then let her forehead lean against his.

His hands slowly traced over her sides and then rested on her shoulder blades. "No you don't."

She shrugged. "I'm going to pretend that I do. It's okay Babe, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"I was just changing some things in my files." He told her with such nonchalance that it usually would have made her freak out in such a situation, but today she wouldn't, she knew how stressed out he still was because of what had happened in the last days.

"Oh, okay." She tilted her head to the side and smiled at him.

He rubbed his palms over her back, pressing her closer to his chest. "Do you want some coffee?"

She nodded and brushed some strands of hair back behind her ears. She let her eyes follow him while he made his way into the kitchen and dropped the folder back on the kitchen counter. He took a cup out of the cupboard and filled it with fresh coffee.

She leaned against the kitchen counter with her stomach, her arms supporting her weight. He put the cup down in front of her hands and gave her a soft smile. "I know this is killing you." He said with a soft grin on his lips.

"What?" She raised an eyebrow and took a sip from her coffee.

"To not know what is in this folder." His grin widened.

"Not at all." She shrugged.

"You are a bad liar." He teased and chuckled.

She faked a pouting expression but failed to keep it up because she just couldn't bear down the urge to laugh.

After a moment he became serious again, then reached for the folder and handed it to her. "Here, I need you to sign some of these anyways."

Okay, now she definitely didn't know what to think. What was in there? She could simply open the folder and read the papers, but on the other hand...

"Don't worry, it's okay." He gave her an encouraging smile and circled the counter so that it did not separate them any longer.

She hesitated for a moment, but then slowly opened it. The first three pages were handwritten and each was entitled with the words 'Testament of Gil A. Grissom; 5/20/06'. She swallowed hard and looked up to meet his gaze.

"Nothing to be worried about, I just didn't want to leave you behind with any unfinished business if I should die all of a sudden." He shrugged.

"The mere thought of that makes me cry." She felt how her hands started to shake and she closed her eyes for a second to swallow the tears.

She could hear him sigh and then he leaned closer against her. "Honey this is just… I don't plan to leave this world yet." He ran his hand over her upper arm and then pulled her into his embrace.

She leaned her head down on his shoulder, even though the position was a bit uncomfortable, this simply was the most comfort to her. "Just the thought of loosing you makes me… I…"

"Don't think about it Honey." He kissed her gently on the top of her head. "I just wanted to make sure that you would be the recipient in case of my death."

She sighed softly; she didn't want to imagine a life without him. She wouldn't know how to live on if he wouldn't be there anymore.

"I need you to sign these." He loosened his hold around her body and reached for the folder.

"What's that?" She wiped the back of her hands over her eyes to dry them.

"I want you to be the one who's holding the power of attorney in case I shouldn't be able to make my own decisions anymore." He told her softly while he framed her face with his one hand and caressed her cheek with his thumb.

She gasped. She didn't know if she could do that. She couldn't make such a decision, she couldn't decide over his life. "I…"

"I don't plan to get injured anytime soon either, Honey." He gave her a soft smile.

"That's not it." She swallowed hard. "I just don't think that I could do that." She confessed hoping to not disappoint him. He was trusting her so much that he wanted her to decide over his life in an emergency and she simply told him that she didn't think that she could do it.

"I know you would make the right decision." He told her with loving voice. "I trust you and I wouldn't ask you to do it if I wasn't sure that you could handle it."

She sighed and snuggled against his chest. "I don't think I could ever stand it to…" She began to shake again.

He tightened his grasp around her and kissed her cheek. "I love you and… Honey I never trusted anyone as much as I trust you. We are living together and we love each other, no one knows me the way that you do. I don't want someone who almost doesn't know me to make decisions about my life. You know me better than I know myself and since we're not married my mother would be asked to make the decisions. But she wouldn't be able to come here and communicating with her over the phone is impossible. So she would need an interpreter and she probably would not really understand everything; and in fact she doesn't know anything about my thoughts about life and death."

"I don't know them either." She confessed, even though confessing that she did not know him as well as he thought she would kind of hurt.

"Of course you do." He whispered softly into her ear.

"I only know that you would want to have enough time to say goodbye." She replied with shaking voice.

"And that is all you need to know Honey." He caressed her back and brushed his lips over her cheek. "Listen to your heart."

She closed her eyes and leaned into his embrace. "I love you so much." She whispered. "I…"

"It's okay Honey." He held her tight to him while he put the folder back on the counter. "If you really feel that you could not handle it then it's okay."

"If it would have been you instead of Jim, would you have wanted me to decide to go ahead with the surgery?" She asked still unsure.

"What do you think?"

"I would have done everything to save your life, so I think I would have decided to go ahead with the surgery." She tried to meet his gaze.

"You would have done the right thing." He gave her a gentle smile and kissed her. "See, you know what I want."

"Yeah but…" She wanted to protest but was cut off by another kiss.

When he pulled away from her he slightly shook his head. "No buts this time Honey." He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "I trust you."

She nodded softly, then pulled away from him and reached for the pen. "So show me where I need to sign these."

He let is hand rest on the small of her back while he showed her where to sign the papers. When she had done so she handed him the pen and returned his smile.

"Who has your power of attorney?" He asked after a moment.

"Oh, I don't have a power of attorney." She replied a bit too confident for his taste.

He threw an asking and at the same time shocked look at her. "But you should, you…"

She gave him a gentle smile and caressed his cheek. "I have an advance directive. No life prolonging actions for me. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with tubes in my throat and needles in my arms. End it when it's obviously supposed to be over."

He really seemed to be shocked, or at very least surprised by her answer. "But why would you have decided to go for the surgery then?"

"Because that is what _you _would have wanted." She shrugged.

For a while they just looked at each other, then he slipped his arms around her waist and kissed her affectionately. When he pulled away from her he became serious again. "Let's change the subject Honey, I really don't think I can stand imagining my life without you any longer."

"That's a good idea." Her mood lightened up. "So, since you just mentioned her, when am I going to meet your mother?"

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TBC


	31. Epilogue

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI 

AN: Million thanks to **Rhee** for beta reading! you rock!

Summary: ...epilogue ;)

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Epilogue

_If I would have to pin point the moment in which I fell in love with you then I would have to mention two moments. _

_Do you remember we were walking through the Golden Gate Park back then in San Francisco? I __thought never before in my life I had such a long and good conversation with a, well back then you still were a stranger to me. From the first moment on I knew that there was something special between us. We could not only talk, we could also be silent together. I'm sure you don't even remember it, but in one of these lulls of conversation I ripped off a rose from a hedge and started ripping off its petals. Do you know this little children's game where you rip off petals from a flower or a twig and ask it whether or not someone loves you or loves you not? I know it was a stupid thing to do for a thirty-eight years old man but with you I did not feel that old. _

_To reach the point to which I was heading with this anecdote, at some point I pierced my finger on a thorn. I cursed and you turned around, worried and with the most beautiful, concerned expression I had ever seen. __That expression literally made my heart jump. Actually I had made a promise to myself to not let myself get too close to you, but after our conversation in the café and after the realization that we were so perfectly tuned to the same wavelength, there was really no chance for me to not get too close to you, emotionally and physically. You made me feel something I had never felt before and never felt again until the day that you came to Las Vegas. I think I really fell in love with you right then; this is one of the moments, which I used to recall every day until I could finally hold you in my arms again._

_I know now you are probably wondering why I never showed my feelings to you, the answer to __that question is actually easy, but I think it's eveneasier to understand when I answer it in the course of my annotations._

_I know that I hurt you when I told you that we couldn't be together. My reasons were selfish but please, don't think that I wasn't as hurt as you were. For the first time in my life I had met a woman who fascinated me - on so many levels; a woman who touched me not only physically but also my heart and soul. But I knew that things wouldn't work out between us, not back then. My work and passion for science consumed too many parts of my life and I knew that - even though I really would have tried - I knew I would have hurt you because I wouldn't have been able to give up either of it, work or science. _

_I went back to Vegas but left my heart in San Francisco. No day passed without me having thought about you. First I thought that I could stand being only friends with you. I thought when we would talk over the phone we could still have __those conversations that I loved so much and we would stay in touch so I would at least be a small part of your life even though I couldn't let you become a part of mine. But it did not work, I was falling deeper and deeper in love with you and I knew I would soon reach a point at which I wouldn't be able to not hurt you - or myself for that matter - anymore. Sometimes, when the need to hear your voice became too unbearable, I got weak and called. I know you wished that I would call more often and maybe I should have done so or instead I should have told you that I would never call again. But I couldn't do that either, I did not want to live a life without you._

_When I had the chance to see you again I took it. You were the first one I thought of when I needed someone to investigate Holly's death. My mind told me that I was making a fatal mistake but I followed my heart and just did what I needed to do. Looking back I think I should have done that more often._

_There were moments in which the need to pull you into my arms was almost unbearable, where it cost me all my strength to keep up the wall that I had built up around myself. I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me. When I saw how stressed out or upset you were about a case then it broke my heart, over and over again; but there was nothing I could do without letting myself get too close to you again. _

_After the lab explosion I was close to forget about __those damned fears that I had, but there was the surgery and other decisions I had to make and all that added up to the reasons that I had to keep this wall up. _

_When I finally noticed how much I hurt you it was almost too late. I don't know if I could make at least half of all the pain up to you yet, but I promise that one day I will. _

_In that one night after the DUI, I realized that we couldn't go on like this. Things needed to change. And eventually they did and I am so grateful that you had the patience to wait for me. I do not deserve you and I am very aware of this, I am endlessly thankful for every day that you spend with me and I cherish every moment that we share. _

_I mentioned earlier that there were two moments I would have to mention while answering the question of when I fell in love with you. The second moment was when you told me about your family history. Never before __had someone put so much trust into me, never before someone trusted me as much as you did in that moment. You revealed your most painful memory to me, after all that I had put you through. Despite all the pain that I must have caused in all these years you could still trust me. This made me realize how much I must still mean to you because, even though you had reached your weakest point, you were still strong enough to open up to me. You did not fear to show me how vulnerable you are. _

_I always feared to be known, opening up to anyone seemed impossible to me. Opening up to you, the only woman that had ever really meant something to me, seemed to be even more impossible. But the trust you put into me on that day showed me that I could also trust in you. In all __those years I had feared that you would loose your interest in me or push me away when you would know the real me, but in this one moment I realized that nothing, nothing would ever change the way you feel about me. All my fears were gone, I realized that you still really loved me despite all the pain I had put you through, despite all the things I did, despite of how often I have been an asshole towards you._

_I wanted to wait for the right moment; I did not want you to think that what had happened that day was the only reason for my sudden change of mind. I did not want you to think that I only loved you because of what you told me, I did not want you to think that it was just pity. _

_Then Adam almost killed you and I knew that waiting really wasn't an option, we had lost too much time already! And I will not deny that this was all my fault. But I can also understand your reaction to my sudden confession in that night. In that night I did not think straight anymore, all I could think about was that I almost lost you, you, the love of my life. And when I closed my eyes to calm __myself down I saw it all again, happening before my eyes and I could only watch, helpless as I was. God, Sara my heart stopped beating in that moment. I did not think when I drove to your apartment and neither did I think when I knocked on your door, praying that you would open it. And when I saw you standing before me alive but shaken, strong but vulnerable I totally lost all the rational thoughts I had. If I had been in your shoes then I wouldn't have believed me either. _

_But then, in that night after we had found Nick, I __thought being together was what we both needed. I will never forget that night, never. I don't know which night is more important to me, the one we spent together for the first time or that one. When we slept with each other for the first time it was wonderful, yes, even more than that, because for the first time I was in love with the woman I made love to, but in the night that we spent together after Nick's abduction all the tension that had been building up between us was finally released and all the dreams and fantasies I had in the past eleven years had been fulfilled. Both nights are special to me._

_You are special. Honey, I think I can say for sure that I will never love someone else as much as I love you. The last year was full of trouble for the both of us, but we managed to __get through it together. And for this I love you even more. I know that I am not an easy person to live with, let alone to love and I will probably spend all the time that I am not thinking of you with wondering how you can bring up the patience and strength to survive being with me. _

_I know that you have critical opinions about marriage and I know that I actually promised you to not push you into another discussion about it again- to my defense this is not a discussion. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No matter if we do this as husband and wife or just as boyfriend and girlfriend (I could not find a better word to describe it), as long as you are with me through all the good and bad times I do not mind if we're wearing rings on our fingers or not. _

_But (as you once said, there is always a 'but' when it comes to Gil Grissom) it would be an honor to me if you would accept to become my wife, Sara. Marry me and I promise you that it will work. No marriage in your family could be described as a happy one in your family since seven generations? Well, then this is the start of a new era. I am going to make you happy, I swear. _

_My love, I know proposing to you in a letter is not the traditional way, but since you are not a fan of traditions (fortunately) I thought I should use it for my own benefit. I know that you will need time alone to think about your answer, so I thought I should take the chance and ask you now when I am going to be out of town for the week anyway. I will not ask you for your answer, tell me when you are ready. Please do not feel as if I am trying to push you into this and don't worry, when your answer is 'no' I will not understand it as the ending of our relationship (only if meant as such which I sincerely hope not). _

_The ring is in the little box in front of you. Wear it when you decided your answer to be a 'yes'._

_And yes, there is a reason why I bought you a wild rose instead of a bunch of red roses. I have to confess that I counted the petals so I already know the answer, but I had to make sure that it would not lie to you. _

_This week without you will be torture, I am already missing you. I cannot wait to come home and hold you in my arms again. I will keep my cell on so you can always call me when you need to talk._

_(In old tradition) from Grissom_

With shaking hands she let the letter slip down on the kitchen counter and - even though she knew what she would answer - reached out for the flower. Her fingertips slipped over the silk-like petals and then ripped off one after the other._ …He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me…. He loves me._

The stem dropped down to the ground as she opened her hand and spread her fingers. Smirking she opened the small black velvety box and slipped the white golden ring over her ring finger. She only hoped that she wouldn't wake up and realize that all this had only been a dream.

She closed her eyes and could feel her heart beating frantically in her chest, this was too good to be true but yes, it definitely was true. She was not dreaming. She would marry Grissom; Dr. Gil Grissom: scientist, CSI, supervisor and future husband.

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THE END

_And sorry for all the fluff in this epilogue, but I wanted to end my GSR writing time the same way it had begun and carried on, LOTS of fluff. Because for angst there is still real life ;)_


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